My Life, My Love and My Lady
by Brooks's-Babey
Summary: Jalex! The story of their friendship, blossoming into their relationship, and the trials and tribulations along the way, from ages 11 and 13 to ages 17 and 19. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1: Fallen Angels

_I've done a **Janny**, am in the process of completing a **Jemma** story, so I'm gonna try a** Jalex** story. My favourite coupling, I must say! Just say for the sake of this story that Jay is 19 and Alex is 17 in the current day. Flashbacks are marked by a heading of the Date and ages of Jay and Alex at that point in time. Hope its not too confusing._

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_I made up all the new names, so if they're the same as any celebrity or whatever, I'm sorry. No copyright infringement intended. Blah, I'm rambling now... _

**Chapter One: Fallen Angels**

**July 2000**

**Alex: 11**

**Jay: 13**

Their trailers were a stones throw away from each other. Alex, her mom Emily and her current boyfriend Nathaniel lived in the middle row, fourth one in from the fence at the back. Jason and his mom Karen lived in the left side row, right in the corner at the back. Their trailer was set under a huge oak tree, its branches dipped down so low, the whole trailer was submerged in shade 24/7. At night it was a pretty creepy place to be.

Alex's trailer was more exposed. Alex liked it that way, cos that meant if anything kicked off, there were plenty of witnesses nearby to help. Her mom was weak. She'd got that way because of years of abuse from a long line of nasty, undesirable bullies disguised as lovers. Bobby, Terrel, Martyn, Ricky... now Nathaniel. Alex wondered when the masquerade that they were "doing fine" was going to fall away. But, the way things seemed to be going at the minute, it seemed she and her mom were destined for a life living under the thumb of a man. A bully.

There was only one place where Alex could seek refuge. Scratch that, only one person with which she could seek refuge. Jason Hogart was two years older than her, and it showed, but it was never an issue. He was at Degrassi Community School in grade eight, and Alex had just completed her last year in elementary school. To look at her, you'd never have expected it. She was tall, raven haired with a fierce temper. That fierce temper was actually a self defense method. But she didn't let that become known. But when there was no school – Jason skipped a lot, Alex just let herself go along with Jason's rebellion – Alex and Jason hung out at the ravine behind Jason's place. It was there own secret place that no-one else knew about. Well, people knew about it, obviously. It was a public place, but no-one hung around there. Not even the older kids, the stoner's and the partying fools. They were transfixed on the multiplex movie theater, or more specifically, the "employee only"car lot round back.

Jason was so fascinating. He was good looking too. Even Alex and her eleven year old self could see that.

**September 2000**

**Alex: 12**

**Jay: 13**

"Hey, there's only a year between us now, JJ." Alex commented one day. Her birthday had came and went, and now Alex was the ripe old age of twelve. Jason, in his general teenage awkwardness insisted on being known as JJ. He wondered why his mother had named him Jason Jackson Hogart for two reasons, one he didn't like to discuss _or _think about, but she had named him such, for whatever reason, so he would make the most of the funky initials.

"Ah, not for much longer, Nunez." JJ replied joke mockingly. "I'll be 14 in March. Bring it on!"

"What does JJ stand for?" Alex inquired, curiosity getting the better of her.

At even the slightest hint of a personal question, JJ clammed up, like he was being interrogated by the law. "Jason Jackson." He answered quietly.

Not quiet enough. Alex didn't need telling twice. "Oh right." She simply said. Nothing more was said, but the mention of the name Jackson sent shivers racing down Alex's bony spine. For eight and a half months between the ages of seven and eight, Alex's mom Emily dated a slime ball called Ricky Jackson, a delivery truck driver with a rather swift right hook. She shook the memory from her brain and turned back to JJ. He had his short, straight brown hair hidden away under a red New York Yankees baseball cap. It was the old school style one, possibly from the mid eighties. It looked crap quality now, but JJ never seemed to take it off. Alex had asked him, but he simply lied and said he didn't like the way his hair went.

Alex had started in grade seven at Degrassi Community School, but at school JJ hardly acted like he knew her. Alex watched him as he smoked cigarettes with his buddies where he thought no-one could see. But they could.

When she was in elementary school, Alex didn't see JJ during the day, just in the evenings and on weekends. But now she saw him all day everyday at school, she found herself wondering if she liked him as more than a friend. She was so young, but she knew how she felt, she knew what the feelings were. She silently developed a crush on JJ as she watched him from afar.

**December 2000**

**Alex: 12**

**Jay: 13**

After two months, JJ seemed to become withdrawn. He barely went to school. He'd show up for role-call, and stay until lunch, then go off and wouldn't come back. After school too, he acted different. It seemed he had no time for Alex. She spent her evening in, watching TV and spent her nights trying to block out the sound of her mom crying herself to sleep while Nathaniel partied the night away at the bar, only to return, stumbling and bumbling at 3am to cause another pointless ruckus.

Christmas was approaching; it was only eighteen days away. But throughout Cedar Grove Trailer Home Park, there was no festive cheer. The lights that had been haphazardly strewn throughout the twiggy tree sapling were crap. Only every other, other, other light actually glowed, and when they did, they were so dim and unappealing they went unnoticed unless you were actually thinking about them. Which was never.

The lack of Christmas Spirit was especially evident at the Hogart trailer. Recently, in the past few days, a third figure had joined them. He was an enigma to all the locals. Even Alex couldn't ask JJ who he was, because he'd become practically house bound.

However, the mystery was soon revealed. Christmas Eve, when all was meant to be silent, no creatures stirring, not even mice and all that, a huge eruption of screaming and hollering spoiled the serene, if a little chilly, evening.

Milliseconds after the screaming stopped, the beaten and bruised body of JJ's mom Karen came toppling out of the door and down the steps, coming to a sickening stop on the dusty, dry cracked soil of the ground.

She didn't die, but the mystery third clan member was arrested and imprisoned. He was later revealed to be JJ's long lost, alcoholic, severely depressed father Jackson Hogart.

After that, JJ dropped the second J, and became known simply as Jay. He ditched the old red hat and was back in business with a black flat peak Detroit Tigers one. He'd dropped all affiliation with his dad. Jackson Hogart was officially dead to him.


	2. First Kisses, Fake Smiles & 1 Black Eye

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi. I own the made up characters though. Ha!**

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**Chapter Two: First Kisses, Fake Smiles and One Black Eye**

**January 2001  
****Alex: 12  
****Jay: 13**

Some things take time. It took Jay a while to open up and get back out into the world after the incident with his mom and dad. But he did. In the new year, Jay returned to school along with everyone else. It took Alex a while to remember he was no longer JJ. Just Jay.

Karen was fine, Jay informed her, but she'd needed several stitches to her lip, acquired a black eye and was treated for minor, non life threatening internal bleeding. Jay was left to fend for himself for four days while she was in the hospital. Over that period, Alex and Jay soon returned to the friendship status that they occupied before the Christmas Eve fiasco. But that wasn't to say that Jay hadn't changed. Loosing the extra 'J' wasn't the only change in him. He'd done a hell of a lot of growing up in the past month or so, and Alex wasn't quite prepared for it.

Although he refused to talk about it, even to her, Alex and Jay had a special bond now, more so than the friendship they had before. They were both victims of abuse. Jay had got a black eye when his dad had flipped out on Christmas Eve, but now two weeks later, it was beginning to toughen up and fade. The hands of the huge wall clock crept closer and closer toward ten pm, and Alex knew in the back of her head her curfew was 9.30pm, but she had no intention of leaving just yet. Her mom hadn't been round to get her – and she knew where she was – so she was staying put. She was in complete awe of Jay. At the back of the trailer was his bedroom. Small, cramped, identical to her own. The walls were off white, bordering on gray, the carpet was brown. The only color that saved the environment was the navy blue curtains and his albeit faded Superman bed cover.

"Superman?" Alex scoffed, meaning no real harm. In the three years they'd known each other, Jay had never invited her inside his house, discounting the kitchen, but that was only because it was directly off the front door - and she was learning things about Jay's home life that would give her real insight into his life.

"I've had it since I was five. We can't afford new bed sheets, we got bills to pay that are much more important." Jay explained impatiently. Alex felt bad for mocking his covers. She should have known better.

There were no pictures up in their home. No real ornaments to speak of, unless you counted a few jars and kitchen utensils are ornaments. Furniture was sparse. The smell of cigarette smoke hung in the air. Alex was unsure who was responsible for that aroma, Jay or his mom.

"Sit down then." Jay ordered, gesturing toward the empty space on the bed. Alex tentatively sat down on the very edge of the sunken mattress and looked around, feeling funny. She knew Jay like the back of her hand, but she was suddenly so nervous she could barf. Nerves gripped her like an ice cold hand, and she wished she could go home. Never in her whole life had she been scared of Jay like she was now.

He rummaged in his pocket. She waited with baited breath to see what he'd produce. He turned toward the window and battled with it to get it open. The trailer shook as he forced the old, damp frame up. He leaned out the window. He turned back to her moments later with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

He'd been getting cigarettes out of his pocket! She smiled to herself in relief and told herself to lighten up, and _calm the fuck down!_

They stood in the window together. Jay was usually two or three inches taller than her, but he bent down and rested his elbows on the crumbling windowsill. Alex stood completely still. The cigarette smoke got caught up in the air and blew back toward them, defeating the object of smoking at the window. Jay had smoked it three quarters of the way down, and held out the last little bit for Alex. She hesitated, but took it anyway.

"Take a hit, then breathe in, then just blow it out." Jay instructed as newbie Alex had her first hit on a cigarette. She got the hang after two drags, and finished it off, discarding it to the ground once she was done.

They sat back on Jay's bed. The nicotine and tobacco had gone straight to her head and she was giggly and wobbly.

Jay flashed her a awkward smile. He couldn't think of anything more to say, so he told Alex it was time she got home.

She walked toward the door, and he followed close behind her. She went for the door handle and descended the steps more gracefully than Karen had at Christmas. She turned to say goodbye but found that Jay was following her out.

"I'm not gonna let you walk home alone, am I?" Jay explained as if it was logic. Perhaps it was. Alex didn't know, she'd never done anything like this before. When they use to hang out together, Alex always had to be home before it was anything like dark.

As they walked Jay remained two steps behind her the whole time. The walk to her place had never seemed to pass so quickly. Because she didn't want it to end. They came to an abrupt halt at her door. She couldn't hear any noise coming from inside but she could see her mom sat at the kitchen table with a bottle of vodka in front of her with her head nestled in her arms, resting on the table surface. "Is that your mom in there?" Jay quizzed, sounding genuinely concerned. He'd met Emily loads of times, and every time he met her, she seemed distant, troubled and on edge, but glossed over it, somewhat shoddily, with a fake smile and a fake spring in her step.

"Uh, yeah..." Alex laughed, because she knew no other way to deal with it. "She's long gone. Out for the count. Sound asleep." She couldn't stop talking. She scolded herself mentally and prayed that Jay didn't think her mom was a head-case.

"Will you be OK?" He pressed. "Is she, like safe to..." Jay didn't know how to finish that sentence.

"It's fine. I'll see ya at school then." Alex said breezily. She went to go inside, but Jay pulled her back and did something she wasn't expecting. He kissed her.

One simple kiss. Quick, painless and not nearly as daunting as Alex had imagined. He didn't say much after he left, just uttered a basic goodbye and sauntered back to his house.

Alex licked her lips and tasted his taste on her lips. She was giddy with adrenaline and happiness. It made things seem better than they were. Her mom being passed out at the kitchen table was less intense now. She knew Jay liked her now. In her own little fantasy, he would've made sure she got into the house OK, though. But beggars cannot afford to be choosers, Alex knew that all too well.

But there was something Alex didn't know. After Jay kissed her, and apparently made a swift, unexplained exit, he only got as far as the next trailer. He ducked behind it and watched in secret as Alex let herself into her house. She was home safe, his job was done. He could now go home, now he knew she was safe.

Jay Hogart did have a sensitive side. He just couldn't let it be known, he had a reputation as the bad boy to maintain, after all.

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**Wahoo, there's chapter two! Hope you liked it! Hows about the Jalex first kiss! Aww!**

**Thanks you to my reviewers for chapter one!**

**Please R&R, reviews mean the world to me! Stay tuned for part 3... Coming Soon!**


	3. Trailer Park Royalty

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Degrassi-esque. I don't own any of the characters, except for Courtney, Tiffany, Daniel, Frankie and Adam.**

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**Thank you a billion times for the positive reviews, they mean so much to me, seriously! Hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**Chapter Three: Trailer Park Royalty **

**January 2001 – Later That Night**

**Alex: 12**

**Jay: 13**

The euphoria of kissing Jay was so much greater than Alex had ever though possible. As she crept through the kitchen toward the lounge, Alex stubbed her toe on the end table. She cursed out loud, then remembered her mom was just behind her at the table. She could barely see, but the artificial orange light from outside that filtered through the window gave enough luminance to see her mom wasn't disturbed. Hell, she was barely conscious.

Alex wondered to herself if Nathaniel was home. She wouldn't risk sneaking over to his bedroom to check though. Her next thought was whether she should wake her mom up, and chance having her keep her up all night with her drunken ramblings. As she approached her cautiously, she saw the bottle of Vodka was empty, half of it splashed all over the table top. It probably wasn't the first bottle, Alex thought to herself. She looked under the table, and saw two more large bottles of Vodka and eight empty cans of lager. Alex had heard of the phrase "I could drink you under the table", but this was just going too far.

She uneasily moved a lock of her mom's dirty blonde hair. Her eyes were tightly glued shut. "Mom?" Alex uttered, her tiny voice filling the small space like water from a burst pipe. She waited for what seemed like hours for a response, but to no avail. She tried again, her voice a little louder this time. "Mom!"

Emily lifted her head off the wooden surface for mere fractions of a millisecond, and grunted incoherently, but nothing more came of it. She plopped her head back down on the table and was off again. Alex had hit a dead end. There was nothing more she could do to help her mom, if she wouldn't help herself.

Lying in bed that night, Alex couldn't sleep. Nathaniel came in at 2.30am. He didn't disturb her per sé, but she could hear him muttering to himself as he padded around the rooms of the trailer, belching loudly, arguing with himself about things quite alien to Alex.

She spun around onto her belly and pulled herself up using the bed headboard. She craned her neck right out of the window, leaning so far out she almost toppled out. She could _just _see Jay's place. The lights were on outside and Karen was sat having a smoke, talking to someone.

The speech was inaudible, and Alex couldn't see who she was talking to, she could just see her lips moving. Occasionally, she throw her head back and laugh. Only rarely though.

She seemed painfully unhappy. Alex knew Jay's dad was in prison, and he would never be able to hurt her, or Jay ever again, but Alex felt that wasn't where the story ended. There was more to Hogart family life than met the eye. And she was about to find out.

**April 2001**

**Alex: 12**

**Jay: 14**

Fast forward three months. Things were moving faster than a jet plane. For Jay. It had been a while since the kiss, and nothing more had come of it. Jay had recently celebrated his fourteenth birthday. Up until now, Alex had never noticed just how much more grown he was than her. Things had changed. Instead of hanging around just together, like they had done, they now hung around with Jay's friends from school. There were about six of them in total, four guys and two girls. The girls were OK, but Alex couldn't find the words to speak to the guys.

They all smoked. Even the girls. They all spend the evenings together at the ravine.

It wasn't their own special place anymore. Everyone knew about it, and soon everyone was coming here to hang out. They'd deserted the multiplex theater parking lot – much to the management's relief – and now they all came here; smoking weed, drinking, making out everywhere for the whole world to see.

Jay's new friends were all jerks. Loud, crude, thoughtless. The first time Jay had bought Alex along with him, they'd all made jokes to him about her. And what was worse, Jay didn't defend her or try to stop them in anyway. He even laughed at some of their comments.

Alex went home and cried that night. After the humiliating experience at the ravine that time, she decided she needed a major image overhaul if she was gonna make it in the cut-throat world of high school.

With the balmy, warmer conditions of Canadian springtime, Alex started her transformation by donning a white wife-beater and jeans. She wore large hoop earrings that Jay stole from the local drugstore for her. She had nothing to fill her bra, but she wore one anyway. From some trashy teen soap on cable, Alex had learned that she could stuff her bra with toilet paper to make it appear she had boobs. So she did.

Tiffany and Courtney were the two girls that hung around with Jay's clan. Upon hearing their names for the first time, Alex immediately assumed they'd be Queen Bee, Mean Girl teenyboppers. Courtney was. Alex was unsure as to why she hung around with trailer trash like Jay and co. They were Trailer Park Royalty. That insult was thrown around all too frequently by the rich kids. They didn't see anything wrong with it, like it was meant as some kinda sick compliment or something. But at least they were royalty somewhere, not dumb ass wannabes like them.

Tiffany spoke to Alex whenever she was around, which was a start. She seemed like a pretty down to earth girl, but she was so much older than Alex it was like being minded by her older sister.

Jay was different around the girls. Flirty, charming, funny. The fact that he was almost two and a half years older than Alex stuck out like a sore thumb.

The guys: Adam, Daniel, Frankie and Sean, were all big testosterone-y, macho guys. Alex didn't know them, even through school, except for one. Sean Cameron. He was in grade eight, in the middle, older than Alex but younger than Jay.

None of the guys spoke to her. So she had to rely on Tiffany for company, cos once Jay got around the honeys he was well and truly gone.

They were all gathered around the ravine. Courtney and Tiffany sat cross-legged on top of the picnic bench, Jay stood, along with two of the guys, and the other two sat on the bench facing outward. "Yo, hog!" Daniel exclaimed loudly, breaking the silence of the evening. "Quit keepin' that all to yourself!" He swung his arm out and yanked the joint from between Frankie's fingers.

Alex knew what they were doing, and until now she'd allowed herself to remain sheltered and oblivious, but now she was nervous. She wanted it to go back to being just her and Jay. The ravine was their place. They'd grown up together there, spent hundreds of hours hanging out. Now here they were, smoking weed and drinking.

"_I shouldn't be doing this." _Alex thought to herself. "_This is just what my mom and dad were like. Just what Nathaniel and my mom are like. I shouldn't be here._"

Alex tried to pluck up the courage to speak to Jay. "Jay?" She spoke, but no sound came out. Her voice was trapped somewhere between her tongue and the roof of her mouth.

She looked up at him and he was looking directly at Tiffany. He had a goofy smile on his face and a beer can glued firmly in his left hand. He dragged ferociously on a cigarette. The smoke billowed around in every direction. Alex tugged at his obscenely baggy hockey jersey, unable to find words to verbalize her request to leave. Jay's head lowered briefly and his blue eyes momentarily flashed her way, but as soon as they'd met they darted away again to re-gain the attention of Tiffany. Alex tried again, but Jay just side stepped and batted her hand away discretely.

Alex felt a lump forming in her throat and she couldn't control her bottom lip from quivering.

She turned and stomped out of the ravine, feeling her cheeks getting deeper and deeper crimson. She'd just made a complete ass of herself. Because she couldn't have Jay to herself. She'd learned throughout the twelve "hell on earth" years of her life that she should never expect anything. Nothing was as it seemed. She should never assume that someone is going to be there for her, cos nine times out of ten, they just ain't.

"Woah! What happened to the short ass?" Courtney's shrill, dumb, screechy voice rattled around in Alex's eardrum for a good five minutes after she escaped the ravine.

"Why are you such a dork?" She screamed to herself. She punched the wall angrily and her hand went straight through the flimsy fascia of one of her neighbors trailers.

She cursed herself and screwed up her face upon realizing the pain.

Would she ever figure out how to be a normal human being? One thing was for sure though. She needed to move on from Jason Hogart. Tiffany and Courtney was right. She was way too young.

**There's Chapter 3. Kinda a build up to the action packed next chapter, which is coming soon. **

**Please R&R, I love getting your reviews they all mean the world to me!**


	4. Heartbreak and Heartache

**Thank you for all the reviews, you don't know how much it means to me to know that people like my stories.  
****DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi, just the made up character of Karen Hogart.**

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**Chapter Four: Heartbreak and Heartache**

**May 2001  
****Alex: 12  
****Jay: 14**

Alex didn't see Jay for a whole week after the spazzy incident at the ravine. She didn't see him at school, maybe he wasn't going, maybe it was because they'd stopped running in the same circles. She didn't know if he was avoiding her, or if she was subliminally avoiding him, but either way, it was a whole eight days later before they made any sort of contact.

Alex and Jay ran into each other in the trailer park. It was Friday evening, dusk. There were no other people around. It was like a ghost town.

"I'm sorry for being so dumb the other day. At the ravine." Alex began confidently.

"Whatever. It's nothin'." Jay mumbled almost illegibly in his indistinguishable low tone. He wasn't a great one for talking to or apologizing to, for that matter.

"It was... it wasn't me. If you know what I mean." Alex was beating around the bush now, and any confidence she had earlier had melted away.

"Yeah, sure." Jay said breezily. "Wait, what?" He snapped back to reality when he realized he didn't have clue what Alex was talking about.

"Well, I... you know." Alex said vaguely. She really didn't want to tell Jay this. She wished he'd stop being such a tool and figure out what she was trying to say.

Jay widened his eyes and shook his head, still horrifically oblivious to what Alex was trying to explain to him.

"Jay, I got my period." Alex said, looking over his shoulder at the leafy backdrop. There was no way she could've said that sentence whilst looking him in the eye.

"Oh! Oh, OK!" Jay clapped a hand to his forehead awkwardly and darted his eyes to the scenery behind Alex's head. He was mentally cringing inside. Any mention of _anything _like that made him stutter and falter like a fool, and he knew it.

Alex laughed at Jay's panic stricken facial expression. It was like she'd asked him to go buy her tampons, or something. "Relax, Jay. It's not a major issue. In fact, it's not an issue at all."

"OK. Good. I'm glad." Jay could feel his face burning up. His heart was picking up pace and he couldn't control it. He was rambling, and he was so aware of it.

"Wanna do something? I promise I won't act a freak. In front of your friends." She spat out her sentenced through her teeth. She was going to have to try hard.

"Sure. Why not? Come round tomorrow night, 7.30, OK?" Jay offered.

"Cool. I'll see ya." Alex ditched before she could say or do anything else embarrassing.

"_Ha! So much for avoiding Jay and getting new friends." _Alex thought to herself on the walk home. It was a muggy, humid Friday night and most of the trailers were open with the occupants sat outside enjoying ice cold refreshing alcoholic beverages.

The shiny cans caught Alex's eye as she passed. Her trailer was the only one in the middle row that wasn't lit up. Her mom and Nathaniel were out. Emily didn't think twice about leaving twelve year old Alex home alone. Sometimes Alex wondered why her mom was ever allowed to be a parent. It was a bad thing to wonder of you own mother, but it was even worse to think that it was true, and other people thought it too.

**Saturday Night.**

Alex arrived five minutes early. No-one was about. Just Jay. And her. Half an hour later, no-one else. Another half hour, no-one else. "Uh, Jay? Is anyone else coming?" Alex inquired, looking around the empty room, expecting people to suddenly spring from behind the furniture like at a surprise party. "Uh, no." Jay admitted. "I didn't tell them about this... get together." He said sheepishly.

"So, what does that mean?" Alex asked warily.

"I didn't invite them. Cos I knew last time you freaked out. And I'm sorry, OK?" _Was Jay showing a soft side here? Oh my God! _"I didn't think. I never think." Jay insulted himself, for some reason.

"It's OK." Alex was worried now that Jay's apology made her sound naïve, needy and lame.

"Can I?" Alex leaned forward and picked up the smoking joint. She twirled it around in her fingers, waiting for Jay's approval. She had to prove to Jay she was grown up and this was just step one.

"Sure. Knock yourself out." Jay said, not meaning it quite literally. He raised his eyebrows and smirked the famous Hogart smirk as Alex took her first ever hit on a joint.

"The first of many." Alex said as clouds of smoke floated out of her mouth. "_For a first-timer she ain't that bad." _Jay reviewed the situation.

"Yeah, Alex that's the finest green this side of Toronto, OK? Don't go too mad. I've gotta get you home to your mom in one piece." Jay snatched the joint from her lips as she took a fourth toke, and placed it back in the ashtray.

"Bullshit." Alex scoffed. "Like she's even gonna be conscious when I get home!" She said in bitter reference to her alcoholic mom. She snaked out her arm to grab the joint again, but Jay slapped her hand away.

"Alex, seriously man. Take it easy. I know your out to prove something, but this ain't the way to go about it! You're not even thirteen yet! There's time for all this!"

Alex laughed right out in Jay's face. "Wow." She said, a wicked glint appearing in her eye.

"What?" Jay asked shortly.

"I never thought you'd be the one to point me in the right direction." Alex joked, the grin still fixed to her face.

"This isn't right for you, Alex! Your just a little kid!" Jay argued, despairing that Alex couldn't see the truth.

"No!" Alex hollered defiantly. "I'm not a kid!"

"You're twelve!" Jay said volting off the couch and pacing uncertainly.

"I'll be thirteen in four months!" Alex pointed out, desperate to keep Jay. "There's not even that much between us."

Jay span around and swiped his hat off his head in anger. "Yes there is, Alex! I can't be with you, if that's what your getting at! You're not even a teenager, it's too fucking sick!"

"God, don't flatter yourself, JJ!" Alex couldn't help but use his old name. "I don't fucking have a crush on you, asshole!" Alex leaped up off the couch as it was on fire and ran to the door, flying past Jay like a whirlwind.

Jay watched her go, but he didn't go after her. She wasn't worth it. He threw his hat across the room. He didn't know why, he just did. It hit the edge of the end table and knocked a glass off the side.

Shards of glistening glass scattered everywhere, embroidering the rug like diamonds.

He didn't bother cleaning it up. He just moved the end table over it. The table was now in the middle of the walk way toward the bathroom. But Jay didn't care.

He didn't seem to care about anything,

Those were the words his mom used two days later when she found the glass under the table. Karen used the shit with Jay's dad as the reason for Jay's change in attitude. But that wasn't the case. Alex was weighing heavy on his mind. They'd always been friends, but now things were different. "_She's only freakin' twelve!" _Jay thought to himself. _"If she was two years older, maybe..." _Jay cursed himself for thinking it. It didn't matter how old she was. It was too weird, they'd known each other since they were in diapers. It would be like dating his sister. If he had a sister.

**Alex's Place**

Alex cried into her pillow that night. She never cried. She was usually such a strong person, even through all the shit that her mom put her through, she never shed any tears.

But she still found herself crying over a guy. It wasn't even her guy. It was just a guy. But that didn't alter that fact that she had feelings for him. Feelings that weren't returned.

**September 2001  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 14**

Tolerated. They'd tolerated each other since the ruckus that dreadful Saturday night bought. Alex was now officially a teenager, and she had to admit that it felt no different than when she was twelve. For the past four months, Jay had been bordering on unbearable. He'd stopped coming over, he didn't really communicate with her in school, if he ever saw her. If they happened to be in the same vicinity at the same time, Jay would make eye contact for a brief moment, then drop his gaze again.

Although he didn't speak to her, that didn't mean he didn't want to. If she was trying to get his attention, make him realize what a mistake he was making by letting her go, then it was certainly working. He noticed the transformation she'd undergone. She'd grown her hair, he reckoned. Maybe that how long it really was out of that scraggly bun she'd rocked for three years. A little bit of make up soon became lots of make up; big black eyes and bronzed cheeks, glossy lips and enough perfume to sink the Titanic again.

Grade eight was a whole new start for Alex. No more being the little naïve kid that no-one noticed. She was ready to take the world by storm with her new found attitude and confidence.

Everything was going great for Alex, but Jay's life was dwindling. He felt like things needed spicing up. But what happened in mid October, just three weeks in the future, was definitely not his idea of "spicing up".

**October 2001  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 14**

Something awful happened. It was Tuesday evening, no later than 8pm and the sun was just dipping over the horizon. Totally picturesque, but Jay sensed something wasn't quite right. He'd never forget that day: Tuesday October 9th 2001...

Jay's mom died.

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**Oooh! There's chapter four a little later than anticipated but I was adding to it, editing it and proof reading it late into the night, then fell asleep, and had to upload it at the first opportunity, which would be now!**

**Hope you liked this chapter. Alex is finally getting her groove on but Jay's life has come crashing down around him. I may steal that line for the next chapter, hehe! **

**Thanks for all the great reviews, they mean so much to me! Keep reading and reviewing, and keep your eyes peeled for chapter five coming soon to a computer screen near you!**


	5. Oregon

**Firstly, I wanna a huge thank you to ALL my fantastic reviewers, especially degrassijayandalex!**

**Hope you like where this is going, and you will stick with it to the end!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Degrassi! Which is sad... but unfortunately true.**

**October 2001**

**Alex: 13**

**Jay: 14**

News of Karen Hogart's death spread like wildfire around the trailer park. For a week afterward, coroners, lawyers, welfare workers and funeral directors were spotted coming and going to the house in the corner. Jay's aunt Melissa and her Yankee husband Cory were temporarily residing in the end trailer. With Karen gone, there was no-one to take care of legal matters.

Jay Hogart wasn't seen for three days after the news broke. The only person whom he revealed himself to was Alex. A little after the stroke of midnight, he came lightly knocking on her door, bringing with him the news of his mom's passing. She'd gotten into a car accident. Pronounced dead at the scene. It had taken less than a second to end her life.

Jay didn't cry. But he didn't do much else either. He refused to eat anything he was offered. He spent the nights sitting on the steps chain smoking. He'd come back in reeking of smoke, but it didn't faze him. He slept on the couch at Alex's. He didn't go to school. Neither did Alex. They stayed home together during the day, saying nothing, doing nothing. They just sat around soaking up each others company. The grief of loosing his mom had encased him. The only companion he had was his thoughts. He had worries as well. His mom was dead and his dad was in prison. He had nowhere to stay. No money or good enough grades to get a place with student welfare. He was homeless.

"Stay here. With us." Alex suggested.

Jay scoffed at her idea. She was naïve. There was no way he could stay with Alex and her mom and Nathaniel. "I can't." He simply said. He was thankful that Alex didn't request an elaboration.

Karen's funeral was the following Monday. Jay was forced to return home on the Sunday night. Inside, it was cold and eerie. His aunt Mel and uncle Cory had bought their lives with them, and their own possessions had stormed through the house, replacing the charm and memories that Karen had left behind. Jay walked through the rooms robotically. No lights, no heating, no life.

He didn't sleep that night. The next morning, he looked terrible.

Emily Nunez never really knew Karen Hogart. She was rarely sober or conscious enough to pay any attention to with whom or where Alex was socializing. She didn't tell her mom about the funeral. She told her she was going to school. That was a lie.

She went straight to Jay's trailer. As she stood at the door waiting to be granted access, she looked down to the disused flower pot on the first step. Cigarette ends with lipstick stains inked around the end cluttered together in the bottom of the pot, and Alex felt a shiver go shooting down her spine.

Jay answered the door. He wore a black tee-shirt with a huge AC/DC: Back In Black logo emblazoned on, and jeans.

"Come in." He said gruffly. He stepped aside to let her in. She stepped through the threshold and into the uninviting abode. Jay may have been decked out in sloppy casual wear, but he had a suit draped over the back of the couch. His aunt and uncle were sat on the other couch, next to each other looking frightfully rigid and scared. Melissa looked a lot like her recently deceased sister, so much so it was quite off-putting.

"This is Alex." Jay introduced her. He waved his hand wearily toward his relatives. "Melissa and Cory."

"Hi." Alex said politely. She just smiled briefly as Melissa and Cory smiled back at her, not making any sound.

"Let's go to my room." Jay ordered, grabbing the material of Alex' tee-shirt and pulling her toward the door, eager to get her out of the atmospheric living room situation.

In Jay's room, it was way less tense. Jay didn't seem too upset by the theme of the day. Once they got away from the grieving relatives and the awkward atmosphere, it was a pretty normal morning...

"Thanks for coming round." Jay said sincerely. He perched on the side of the bed. Alex thought he looked nervous. Jay felt nervous.

He sat fiddling with a loose thread in his socks, and Alex sat opposite him looking around the room, wishing the ground would open and swallow her up.

She was so used to the silences that went with being at Jay's house, so when there was a knock at the door, Alex almost jumped out of her skin.

"Jay? Alex? Can I come in?" Melissa's sugary sweet, high pitched voice ran out from the other side of the door.

"Yeah!" Jay shouted out.

"Hi, guys. Jay, here's your suit." She held a black and gray pinstripe suit, white shirt and black tie.

"OK, thanks." Jay took his suit and threw it on the bed. Melissa smiled sadly and left the room, quietly closing the door behind her.

Jay changed into his suit in front of her. Alex felt flustered, and could feel her cheeks reddening as he took off his tee-shirt to reveal a much more toned and slender body frame than the podgy belly he'd had when they used to play in the pool together. He sprayed himself all over and put on his white shirt and slipped the jacket on, feeling ridiculous.

Alex felt even more ridiculous though when Jay dropped his jeans and wandered around in his boxers for a good five minutes before putting on his trousers.

Alex's eyes darted around, looking frantically at the scenery around her. She didn't know where to look! Man, she really wasn't ready for all this yet, Jay was right.

Jay staggered as he stepped into his trousers, and spun around to see Alex sat on his bed with flushed cheeks and a panicked look on her face. "Don't know where to look, do ya?" He said chuckling. Alex felt her cheeks go even redder.

"No, no!" Alex said, her cheeks ablaze. "I'm OK."

Jay just smiled and zipped up his flies, feeling one up on Alex.

Twenty eight minutes later, they were getting into Uncle Cory's Mitsubishi, on their way to the cemetery. There was a death-defying silence in the car for the entire duration of the twenty minute drive. Jay refused to look at Alex. He stared out of the window like the road rushing past was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen.

Cory made nervous small talk with Alex, and she spoke back just so she wouldn't have to endure the awkward silence anymore.

Alex didn't really remember much about the funeral. She blocked it all out. Seeing Jay cry for the first time ever was uncomfortable. He was usually so strong and tough. When the funeral was over, Jay invited Alex round the back of the church.

He lit up a cigarette and Alex basked in the irony of what they were doing. He took two drags and passed it to her. She inhaled the smoke and looked at Jay's bleary eyes. "Don't tell _anyone _at Degrassi about this." He warned, as if reading her mind.

"Oh, I won't." Alex smirked, and he smiled back weakly. Alex liked it when they joked around together. It made her feel she was getting somewhere, making progress.

"Finish that." He said, passing the cigarette to her.

The twosome were consumed in more awkward silence, until Jay made a very unexpected move.

"Alex?" His husky voice shattered the silence. Alex looked up and Jay turned toward her, and his lips crashed into hers, taking her by complete surprise. He didn't pull away though, like he usually did. The kiss became deeper and she felt his tongue inside her mouth. He clamped his hand to the back of her head and laced the other around her thin waist. This was the first time she'd made out with a boy, and she was terrified that she was doing it wrong. But he didn't point out her imperfections, so she guessed it was going OK.

When he pulled away, he had a guilty look on his face. "Alex, I'm moving to Oregon."

**Hope you liked it, Please R&R!**


	6. Bruises, Betrayal and Watching You Go

**Thank you to ShatteredTruth, Stranger Danger, Brandy2008, MaDShiPPA and of course degrassijayandalex for the awesome reviews! Please stay tuned for chapter seven, coming soon!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Degrassi!**

* * *

**Chapter Six: Bruises, Betrayal and Watching You Go  
**

**October 2001  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 14**

Alex's world came hurtling to a halt as Jay delivered her this news. "Where?" She asked, her voice a devastated whisper.

"Portland, Oregon." Jay said monotonously.

"America?" Alex gasped in stunned disbelief.

Alex quickly scanned back to her geography lessons; she couldn't picture where the hell Oregon was in the United States. Jay learned from her dumbfounded look and tossed her to map of the US and Canada. Melissa had highlighted Oregon on the page for him.

Alex's face fell as she saw how far West Oregon was on the map of the US, but it fell even further when she saw the distance between TO, Canada and OR, America. "But it's miles away." She said breathlessly.

"I know. But I can't stay here on my own, can I?" Jay threw a rhetorical question into the offering.

"I told you! You can stay at my house!" Alex protested tearfully.

"Alex!" Jay raised his voice slightly. "You and I both know thats a stupid plan."

Alex knew deep down he was right, but she didn't want to loose him. She'd just started to try really hard for his attention, now he was leaving the country for six months. Alex scolded herself for being so thoughtless and self-absorbed. His mom had just died, he had no choice but to do what had to be done. "I don't want you to go." She admitted truthfully.

It took Jay a while to respond. Because he was unsure on how to. He thought long and heard about how he was going to reply, but luckily he was saved by the bell at the last minute. Melissa was tapping lightly on the door. She emerged from the other side with Jay's suit in her arms.

"Half an hour til we have to leave, Jay." She informed them. Her voice was soft and patient. Alex guessed she could only have been in her mid-20's.

"OK, I'll be down in a bit." Jay said, hoping she'd leave.

"OK, buddy." She said affectionately.

"So, only half an hour." Alex reviewed poignantly. "And how far is Oregon again?"

"It's like a six and a half hour flight. I told you that already." Jay said impatiently. "And before you ask, the plane isn't gonna crash."

"I wasn't gonna say that." Alex pointed out arrogantly. But now Jay had said it, the idea was stuck in her head. She prayed to God that Jay hadn't just tempted fate with that phrase.

Alex stood at the gateway and watched as Uncle Cory's silver Mitsubishi tanked down to the lights, then turned the corner, out of sight.

* * *

Jay's absence devastated Alex. After three measly days a new family moved into the Hogart's trailer in the far corner. All the memories of the family had been erased. Alex took a slow walk past one evening. Through the windows, she could see a collection of cookbooks, a single red flower in a vase and a commemorative plate with Montreal emblazoned on it adorned the windowsills. The flower pot full of cigarette butts was gone. When Jay and his mom occupied the place, there was no such clutter or general homeliness to the place at all.

Alex slowly breezed past and she saw a young blonde woman sat at the table feeding a tiny baby. Alex couldn't tell if this offspring was a boy or a girl or both...

The flight to Oregon sure was long. Jay couldn't sit in one space for too long before getting claustrophobic, panicky and agitated. He'd never needed a cigarette more in his life than he did now.

Cory chatted away enthusiastically to him about hockey, and Tim Horton donuts, and snow, and maple syrup...

_Is there nothing more stereotypically Canadian for him to ramble about? _Jay wondered to himself, incessantly bored, as Cory carried rabbiting on anxiously. Cory and Melissa had only been married a year and a half, no kids, and Cory had only met Jay once, discluding coming to TO for the funeral. Jay hadn't shown for the wedding, neither had Karen. They married in California, and the Hogart clan really didn't have the money for flights, so they missed it. Melissa had flown her Canadian roots, leaving her older sister and her underachieving son back in a trailer park in Toronto, open to the perils of abuse.

"I always look forward to getting Tim Horton's when I come over to Canada." Cory said enthusiastically. Jay wondered if Cory thought he was still eleven years old, the age he was when he last saw him.

"Yeah, Tim Bits rule!" Jay said, his voice dripping in sarcasm.

Melissa shot him a pleading look. Jay took note, sighed, and continued his conversation with little more interest than before.

- - - - -

Alex sat at home, listening to her mom's drunken slurs. She was screaming at her for skipping school, Alex was yet to explain to her exactly where she was.

"Where the fuck did you think you were gonna go? There's nowhere for you to go!" Emily hollered drunkenly.

"I-" Alex began, but her mom cut her off.

"You were walking the streets! Anything coulda happened to you, you stupid fucking girl!"

"I was at Karen's funeral!" Alex screamed, silencing her mom.

"Karen Hogart?" Emily finally uttered. "I didn't know it was her funeral."

"I told you about it on Saturday!" Alex shouted. It was the truth. She had mentioned it in conversation. Of course, her mom had consumed a truck load of Vodka since then. Her memory had been wiped clean like a slate. "Wouldn't expect you to remember." Alex added quietly.

"What the fuck did you just say, girl?" Emily bellowed, rocking the whole house.

"Nothing." Alex said sheepishly, cowering in her seat on the sofa.

"You're goin' the right way for a slap, Alexandra!"

"Emily, what the hell?" An equally drunken voice crept into the exchange. Nathaniel had just stumbled in to the trailer. Alex could smell the alcohol on him from a mile off, and she wasn't even facing him.

"Alex is mouthing off – again." Emily explained maliciously to Nathaniel. Alex couldn't believe her mom's betrayal. She'd never mouthed off to her mom, more than this one occasion, and on top of that Nathaniel was drunk. A drunk man who wouldn't think twice about physically abusing his own "step-daughter."

"Oh really?" Nathaniel shouted sloppily. He staggered toward her, the mud off his Doc Marten's trailing footprints behind him as he got closer. Alex's heart was in her mouth. A mouthful of abuse was coming her way. A fist was coming her way...

- - - -

Melissa and Cory's place was a gazillion times different to the trailer he resided in back in TO. The walls were actually color, not off-white plasterboard. Photo's, ornaments, plush cushions, flowers, magazines, utensils, candles. The place looked like a home, not a house. Jay walked in through the door and immediately felt out of place. This was a place for sophisticated Hogart family members like his Aunt Mel. Not him, trailer trash.

"There's the guest room, and the spare room. I figured I'd let you choose." Melissa motioned toward the stairs, where he saw four heavy oak doors leading to the next chapter of the house. He jogged up the peach color carpeted stairs, they felt soft underfoot, and stood in the pentagonal hallway, looking at the doors. They all had little signs on them, a small white tile with the room name and a little picture. They looked to Jay to be handmade. He remembered his mom mentioned something about Melissa being into Interior Design. That would explain the house looking like something off the cover of **Good Housekeeping **magazine.

He grabbed at the handle of the "Guest Room" and poked his head round the corner. A nice size, about the size of the living area _and _kitchen back at his trailer. The walls were neutral yellow, and there was a bad, TV and wardrobe. He didn't even bother checking out the other room, he moved his stuff in and called this his space.

Inside his duffel bag, he didn't have much clothes. Just a few pairs of jeans, a bunch of t-shirts, boxers, socks and a bath towel. He had a carton of 200 Marlboro Reds to keep him going – he wasn't sure if his new keepers new he smoked – and eight secret cans of Stella Artois lager.

He reached right to the bottom of his bag, along with his aftershave and general tidbits, to retrieve the thing most important to him. He got it out and dusted it off nervously, there was no actual dust on the thing. He opened it out and placed it on the ledge.

Before he went back down to tell Melissa he'd finished unpacking, he turned around to sneak a quick look at the photo of his mom he'd placed on the sill. "Love you, mom." He said quietly to himself as he turned and headed back down the stairs.

- - - - -

"Get to your room right now!" Nathaniel swept Alex off the couch and pushed her toward her room, tugging her hair and kicking the backs of her legs as she staggered along under his iron grip.

He grabbed the cloth of her wife beater and pushed her aside, still maintaining grip, as he opened her door. "Get in there!" He dragged her back and threw her into her bedroom. She fell to the floor as she was discarded. Alex wondered why her mom didn't object to this near enough stranger treating her daughter in such a bad way, but Emily didn't seem bothered by what was going on. He booted her ruthlessly in the shins, as if drilling the message into her, then stalked away, slamming the door sickeningly behind him. The whole room shook again as the vibrations regurgitated around the weak structure.

For the rest of the night Alex sat in her room. In the dark, in silence. Listening to her mom and Nathaniel getting more and more drunk together. The sound of smashing bottles and hooting peels of laughter were Alex's company for the night. She didn't cry. Throughout it all. She thought of Jay, though. She wondered where he was right now, and what he was doing. She wondered if he'd ever get in touch. Probably having too much fun in Oregon, dancing the night away with some skank...

- - - - -

Jay thought of Alex that night. He wondered where she was right now, and what she was doing. He wondered when he'd next get to see her. She was probably having too much fun in Toronto, dancing the night away with some creep...

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**Hope you liked it. **

**Please R&R, they mean so much to me!**


	7. Missing You

**Thanks y'all for the reviews! You guys are awesome!  
****DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Degrassi!**

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Missing You**

**November 2001  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 14**

The end of the year was approaching again. It had been a whirlwind of a year, and it wasn't even out yet. There was still a month and a half to go, Alex was sure she hadn't seen the last of the drama.

Jay had been gone for less two weeks but Alex hadn't heard a word from him in that time. She didn't know what it was like in Oregon, but Toronto was damn cold. The winter blues had kicked in early and the days were short. But cold, wet and stormy. The weather reflected Alex's current situation so well, it was kinda ironic.

Turned out, she was right. Just the next day, she was awoken by a slanging match unfolding in the next room. She bolted out of bed and stood at her door, opened it a crack, and watched what was going on. She'd learned not to go racing out there when Nathaniel was going off on one.

Nathaniel was beating on her mom. His fist formed a tight clasp as it went slamming sickeningly into her mom's face. Blood was gushing from a cut on her temple, and she cried out in despair as she saw Alex witness it all. "Please, stop!" Emily pleaded. Ruthless Nathaniel ignored her pleas and sent her flying across the room with one foul swoop, crashing into the dinner table. She flipped over the surface and came to a stomach-turning stop as her black and blue body met the shabby carpet. The table had overturned and the objects atop it came hurtling toward the ground with it. Alex wanted to run out and help her mom, but she knew Nathaniel was dangerous. His mood was venomous and he wouldn't think twice about doing exactly the same to Alex what he had just done to her mom.

Emily lifted her head slowly off the ground and propped herself up.

Satisfied with the damage he'd done, Nathaniel made plans to leave. "I'm outta here." He spoke up. He straightened his shirt and staggered out of the trailer. Alex heard the engine of his old, rusty Cadillac start up and he drove out of the trailer park leaving a cloud of dust lingering in the air in the wake of the cars tire tracks.

He was always driving while drunk, Emily could never get across to him the message about how dangerous it was. It wasn't surprising he didn't get that. If he didn't understand the severity or drunkenly beating the shit out of his girlfriend and her daughter, then it was unlikely he'd understand putting both his own and innocent strangers lives at risk to get behind the wheel steamed.

Alex waited with baited breath for Nathaniel's return, but when it didn't happen, she bravely stepped out of her room and headed toward her broken mother.

She picked her up off the floor and cleaned up her wound. She got a reel of cotton wool and soaked it in the clear, foul smelling beverage, the only useful function of Vodka in her opinion.

"Ow!" Emily winced as the alcohol met the deep, bloody gash. Alex didn't apologize, she just carried on with the task in hand. She eventually wiped away the blood, it seemed to be a never-ending stream of sticky red liquid. She got a fresh wad of cotton wool and soaked it again in the booze. She rung it out and bandaged it to her mom's temple.

"There you go." She said simply as she finished.

"Thank you, baby." Emily smiled weakly and lightly touched the cheek of her daughter bruise free face. She was thankful that Nathaniel hadn't hit out at her this time. But Emily didn't know that Alex had two big bruises, one on her leg and the other across her ribcage, from where Nathaniel lashed out at her and threw her in her bedroom, just a week and a half ago.

"I'm goin' back to bed." Alex rose from the breakfast bar they were sat at and headed toward her bedroom robotically.

"I'm sorry, baby!" Emily called out desperately. She saw the hurt in Alex's usually sparkling eyes. She was so young and so beautiful and so innocent, she didn't deserve to be subjected to shit like this day in day out. Alex didn't stop to listen to her mom's whining.

What was her mom sorry for? Hooking up with Nathaniel in the first place? Letting Nathaniel have abuse them both as if he was king. Letting said abuser into their house for two and a half years of hell on earth? Betraying her? She had so much to answer for.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jay's life in Oregon was a million miles from his life in Toronto. Living in Melissa and Cory's posh, picture-perfect home in the suburbs was uncomfortably difficult for Jay. He was still getting used to the rules: taking his shoes off indoors, no loud music after 7.30pm, no cigarette smoking ANYWHERE near the house, and definitely NO alcohol.

He spent his days away from home. He had until the end of the week, four days, until he was to start his home tutoring from Melissa.

Jay was ecstatic when he was told he wouldn't have to attend school, but his face soon fell as he was informed of the homeschooling. He didn't know Melissa was a trainee teacher. That was what you got for ignoring your family for twelve years, because you thought your life sucked.

He spent most of his time smoking cigarettes in the center of the town. There was nothing to do in Portland, nothing that he was interested in anyway. He looked above him to the sky. In TO, he was used to the mega skyscrapers adorning the skyline, making the people look and feel like ants.

He stubbed out his fifth cigarette and decided maybe it was time he did something else. He rose wearily from the huge fountain he was sat on, and walked around a bit. He had kinda got a hold of the geography of the area. He knew that if carried on past the small parade of shops, and round the corner, there was a school. The school got out at 3pm, and judging by the time on the bell tower, he had four more minutes before the students came filtering out.

He sat a few feet away from the front of the school, on a bench, soaking up the sunshine. For winter, it was quite sunny, but not very warm by any stretch of the imagination. Except here, it was quite pleasant. Weather wise. He heard the bell peel out throughout the halls and all of a sudden there were 1000 kids busting out of the double doors.

Jocks, nerds, preps, emo kids, rich kids, foreign exchange students... it was just like Degrassi. As he watched them all he wondered who were the popular ones, and if it were the same as Degrassi in that sense. He saw a look-a-like for every person from Degrassi that he'd left behind, that really meant something in his life. A couple walking down the steps in unison reminded him of Sean and Amy. He wore a wife beater and his hair slicked back, looked a few grades older than his counterpart. The girl he was tangled around was shorter than him with her honey colored hair in a messy bun and a smug, proud look on her face. Jay could tell she wasn't very well liked at this school. Trailing behind them, a tall, slim attractive girl, probably in the grade between the girl and the guy. She had glossy brown/black hair that shone a million colors as the sun caught it. Jay had to look twice. If he didn't know better he would have insisted it was Alex. He blinked and looked again, but the girl had disappeared into the heavy crowds of school kids, and he could just see her head bobbing around, before she was gone from sight.

* * *

Alex wasn't used to the eerie silence that her home had been plunged into. No Nathaniel to disturb the peace. She'd told her mom she was going back to bed, but she was wide awake and there was no way she was going back to sleep now. She got dressed into a hot pink wifebeater and ripped stonewashed jeans. It may have been arctic outside, but in the house, her mom had cranked up the heating and Alex was sweltering.

She couldn't call Jay; no phone number for him.

She couldn't text Jay; he didn't have a cell.

She couldn't IM Jay; she had no computer.

She was at a loose end. She sat on her bed watching TV, The Powerpuff Girls. There was no way she wanted to watch this crap, but she didn't bother changing the channel. She just couldn't be bothered. Everything seemed to be like that at the moment. She just couldn't be bothered.

She could hear her mom running the tap in the kitchen for what seemed an eternity. A little while later, she heard the vacuum roar.

Alex shot off her bed and entered the living room. Stacks of washing up were draining next to the sink, her mom had vacuumed the whole kitchen and living room area and the windows were open,

"Mom?" Alex called over the blare of the vacuum. Her mom, who was facing away from her, didn't hear her over the noise. "Mom!" Alex shouted loudly.

Emily immediately shut off the vacuum and spun around. "I'm cleaning. Fresh start." She said without hesitation.

"Oh, OK..." Alex said slowly. "I'm going out for a while." She tiptoed over the clean carpet, put on her Adidas sneakers, grabbed her hoodie and slipped out of the house.

- - - - -

She sat at the ravine alone, smoking a cigarette. The bad weather kept anyone else from being there too. Just as Alex sat down atop one of the picnic benches, it began to spit with rain. The burned out remains of a bonfire creaked ominously. Tree branches rustled and the wind was picking up. She was constantly looking over her shoulder for Nathaniel. She was constantly looking around the ravine for Jay. But he wasn't there. She dropped her eyes to the chipped and tagged wooden tabletop.

Amongst the cigarette burns and carvings was Jay's tag: J.HogartTO. He'd hacked at the surface with a small blade and fashioned the letters out of short, snappy diagonal lines. Alex ran her fingers over the etching sadly and her mind came right back round to thinking about Jay and where he was and what he was doing.

* * *

As night time fell across Portland, Oregon, Jay Hogart felt a feeling coming over him that he'd never ever experienced before. Shortness of breath, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, he felt an excruciating pain go shooting through his head. He'd spent the past hour with his memories flitting between his mom and Alex. He missed his mom desperately. He knew that when he got back to Toronto, she wouldn't be there. He'd have no-one. The logical thing to do would to stay in Portland. But he couldn't do that. His life was in TO, he couldn't just up and leave like that, it wasn't that easy. He did miss Alex. There was nothing he could do about it, but he wished he could go back in a time machine and take back all the bad stuff that had happened to her. He wished he could keep her safe. He wished he could keep his mom safe and tell her not to go out in the car to the convenience store that day. Pop-Tarts were not a necessity. He didn't need them. Alex was thousands of miles away now, and Jay knew had a horrible feeling she wasn't safe. What if something happened to her and he wasn't there to be her savior?

* * *

**There's chapter seven! Hope you guys liked it! Please review this, please! It'd mean so much to me!**


	8. Happy New Year

**Thank you for the reviews! This chapters a long one but its a good one! (hopefully)**

**This chapter marks the first mention of Alex's new friend, Ellie Nash! (I always thought they should have been the best of friends on the show.)**

**This is a Allie chapter (Alex and Ellie – friendship, merging into the lovely Jalex (lurve!) at the end! Yay!)**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Happy New Year**

**December 2001 into January 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 14**

Alex had always figured Christmas was the most important event to fall in December.

She was wrong. December 31st through January 1st, otherwise known as New Years.

Christmas had come and gone like the disappointing flash in the pan it always was. But Alex was unaware of the revelations New Years would bring. There was to be a huge get together at the trailer park for New Years. The place was decked out with the same mediocre, crappy decorations from Christmas. A huge tent had been placed right in the middle, where the picnic tables usually were. Inside was DJ decks, tables for sitting at and a currently empty trestle table for the food. Alex wasn't looking forward to it at all.

She spent the morning and afternoon of New Years Eve hanging out with Ellie. Ellie was in her grade at school, and she was a bit of an oddball. Her red hair was punkish and crazy. Crimped, half up half down, chunks spiked, you get the picture. She dressed weird. Off the shoulder shirts, fishnet tights, bulky black shoes. Her bold make up followed the same pattern. But she and Alex got on like a house on fire. No-one ever expected that.

Alex and Ellie had been friends for a good few months, but only recently had they became close. Alex needed someone as a replacement for Jay's company. At first, that's what Ellie had been, and only that, but now she was becoming a true friend. They were both messed up in the head, and the more they shared the more they found out they'd been through so much of the same shit. Ellie's mom was an alcoholic. Her dad was away ten months of the year fighting for the country in Afghanistan. Her mom's drunken negligence was almost a mirror of Emily's child upbringing skills. Ellie had never told anyone any of this stuff before, they were her deepest darkest secrets. But somehow she felt Alex deserved to know she understood how Emily and whatever boyfriend she had that week treated Alex like crap. Emily had no idea on how to raise kids. Alex was a mistake, and by the time Emily discovered she was pregnant, it was too late to abort. It was quite an amazing feat that Alex hadn't been born with some nasty disease or illness, the drinking Emily did during her pregnancy.

Despite Ellie spilling her guts to Alex about her disastrous home life, there was one thing that Ellie was not willing to share with her new friend just yet. Something that no-one but she knew about. As a method of coping with the stress, Ellie cut her wrists. She had been doing so for nearly six months and she had no intention of stopping. It was such a release for her; the pain, the adrenaline, the rush. As the blade pierced her skin and blood sprung up in its course, she felt a little bit better. At school, she wore long wrist cuffs that covered her scars. She flicked an elastic band round her wrist. She kept it hidden, did it in secret. It would be enough to give the game away.

- - - -

Alex and Ellie spent the beginning part of the morning sat at the ravine sharing a cigarette. Jay had left her with a 20 deck and she had two left, discluding the current one. She had to be careful and resourceful now.

"Oh, say Ellie, do you wanna stay for this New Years thing tonight?" Alex asked, exhaling smoke and savoring the taste in her lungs and throat.

Ellie took a moment before replying. She thought forward to what her mom would be doing as the clock struck midnight in a little over thirteen hours from now. _Passed out drunk on the couch._

"Sure, sounds good."

Portland International Airport was a scary place to be alone in. Luckily, the wait between being dropped off and getting on the plane wasn't too bad. In Ontario, the trains from Mississauga to Toronto ran every half an hour.

* * *

Mid-afternoon, Alex and Ellie started getting ready for the shindig that was soon approaching. Ellie scragged her fiery red hair into bunches on the top of her head. That seemed simple, and Alex wondered what they were gonna do for three hours, until Ellie turned around brandishing the hair crimper's. Slowly but surely, she began to iron kinks into her hair, strand by strand. Alex let out a small laugh, and decided to focus on her make up more than her hair. She'd mastered eyeliner and mascara really well for a thirteen year old. The faint echo of Nathaniel telling her make up made her look like a skank kicked around in her head and she coated her lashes thickly, but she let it pass her by. He was gone and thankfully hadn't been back. She didn't have to answer to him; if she wanted to wear lots of make up and smoke cigarettes then she would.

She smoothed over her olive skin with foundation, applied lashings of black mascara and coated her full lips with clear gloss. She smacked her lips together in the mirror and made a kissing motion.

Ellie looked at her sideways and laughed at her. Ellie didn't get it. She was dating this guy Marco in her grade, Alex didn't think much of the little squirt. Seriously, Alex was just thirteen years old and she was already taller than him. He was in eighth grade just like her, as well!

Ellie's make up was as different to Alex as her clothes were. She had bright red lipstick on, black eyeliner, black eyeshadow _and_ black mascara.

"Jesus, El, could ya fit any more black around your eyes?" Alex asked in disbelief as Ellie put yet another coat of black eyeliner around her eyes.

Alex and Ellie stepped out half an hour later all ready to party. Alex wore a pink and orange stripe tank top and black khaki's with her usual Adidas running shoes. Ellie was a long streak of black and red. Clumpy, heavy black shoes, red fishnets, a red tartan skirt, black and red top and a spiked choker collar round her neck. Her hands were covered in rings and colored plastic bracelets laced their way up her long, skinny arms.

"Ready to rock this joint?" Alex smiled devilishly as they made their way through the crowds of people.

* * *

It was getting dark, the temperature had dropped and when he breathed out, condensation billowed in the form of cloudy air. He was past the phase on the train where he was hoping he was headed in the right direction. He knew where he was going now. He had at least two more miles to walk before he reached Toronto, then getting to the trailer park took about ten minutes. He just hoped to God that Alex was in. Coming all this way for her not to be there would be a real kick in the balls.

A man approaching him wearing a leather coat with long straggly greasy hair and his pockets stuffed deep in his pockets was approaching. He subconsciously cautioned up as he got closer. He put his head down and picked up the pace. The man passed him by, wafting the familiar fumes of whiskey. That smell took him back to his dad coming in every night from the bar, stinking of whiskey and cigar smoke, to beat his mom senseless, and kick him until he had no energy left to fight back.

* * *

Alex and Ellie arrived at the party and immediately had a Smirnoff Ice thrust in their hands. Alex sipped cautiously. She'd never had a very positive attitude toward alcohol, and she probably never would. Although they were the same, Ellie swigged from her bottle as if her life depended on it. It blew Alex's mind how different people had different ways of dealing with the same issues.

"Well, this music is whack!" Ellie mused, shouting to Alex over the heavy techno beat that was ripping out of the speakers.

"Whatever, El!" Alex screamed back. "You can crawl back into your hole next year!" Alex was malicious, but she did it in a friendly way. If that made any sense.

* * *

Upon his nine-thirty arrival in Mississauga, he then had to wait 45 minutes for the train. The cold air blew through the station as he sat alone under the arrival/departure boards. After twenty two minutes of sheer boredom, he lit up a cigarette. This was his only one. He savored every last drag.

* * *

Alex and Ellie sat together alone. The majority of people here were older teenagers, like eighteen or nineteen, or adults. The only kids slightly near to them in age was a kid two years younger than Alex and Ellie, called Lucas Valieri and his sister Anastasia. They were both Lakehurst kids, so Alex automatically distanced herself from them as a result of this.

Ellie drummed her fingers on the table surface. Seven empty Smirnoff Ice bottles were scattered on the table. If they were neat Vodka not Smirnoff laced with sugar and flavors, Alex would've sworn her mom was in the vicinity.

"I'm officially bored! Can we go?" Ellie whined.

"No!" Alex looked behind her to the time being projected onto the wall of the tent. "It's not even ten! We've gotta stay til midnight! We crashed this party, we can't be the party poopers than leave before midnight!"

"Ugh, fine!" Ellie took another glug of her drink and looked around, Alex noticed her eyes drooping and looking heavy.

* * *

Midnight was soon approaching. Thirty three minutes and it would be 2002. Alex took this last half hour to reflect on what 2001 had bought her. _Nothing but bad memories_, she thought to herself. _Death, destruction and Jay being taken away from her. _Apart from the amazing kiss they'd shared just before he'd upped and left for Portland, nothing stood out in her memory as being a moment worth remembering.

"I need the toilet!" Ellie shook Alex's arm, snapping her out of her daydream.

- - - - -

Alex walked Ellie – literally walked her, five Smirnoff Ices had taken it out of her – to her house so Ellie could use the bathroom. Alex stood outside and waited. She scanned the area. The tall trees dipped their fronds down so low, they wavered in the cool evening breeze, and the movement kinda

freaked Alex out. She looked over toward the gates and thought she was a figure stood there. She blinked again and the figure seemingly had disappeared.

- - - - -

"Let's go back to the party!" Ellie ordered enthusiastically as she came bounding out of the bathroom toward the door. Alex had never seen her look so enthused about _anything. _

He stood at the gates of the trailer park and heard the heavy bass beats pumping out into the night sky. He never expected that the trailer park people would actually make the effort to celebrate in style for once. But this year New Years was being welcomed with open arms. By most.

It was gut wrenchingly difficult for Jay to be back here. He hadn't been around these parts since his mom died, and it was like her ghost was haunting him as he saw every corner and every lane that his mom had once occupied. It was just like before, except now he was on his own. A ward of the state. No mom, no dad. The only family were in America.

His feet felt heavy, like he had lead weights attached to his sneakers. The small rucksack he had his bits and pieces in was growing heavy on his back. He wanted to go in, but he'd suddenly come across very nervous. And that was a new experience. Jay Hogart never got nervous. He'd lived through years of abuse, but he never got scared. But now, faced with the daunting task of returning to the place where he'd lost it all, he'd become rooted to the ground.

He grabbed the gate and jumped over. He couldn't get in anymore, his keys had been handed over when he moved to Oregon. He was in. Step one was over. Now to actually walk toward the merrymaking.

Back from their bathroom break, they had just nine minutes until the countdown.

"Oh, it's almost time!" Ellie slurred drunkenly. Alex was kinda embarrassed to be seen with the lightweight drunk.

"Yeah, it sure is!" Alex enthused falsely. She wasn't looking forward to this at all.

- - - - - -

He'd made it to the party just in time for the countdown. By the time he'd plucked up enough courage to let himself in, he heard the countdown to New Years begin.

10... 9... 8... 7...

Jay grabbed the tarpaulin material across and let himself into the event. By the time he'd done this, the countdown was already at 4.

3... 2...

He scanned the surroundings, recognizing almost all the faces from his past. It had only been a matter of weeks since he left, but he felt like an intruder already. He started to panic. There was no-one here he knew, not a soul he could go to.

- - - - -

"What the hell?!" Alex said to herself, quiet enough that Ellie didn't hear her over the booming countdown. "It can't be him!"

She jumped off her seat and stood up on the chair to get a better view over all the tall heads. She looked toward the doorway. Dark clothing, backward cap, stunning eyes... broad grin. It was definitely him!

She dived off the chair and battled her way through the throngs of people to get to the door. "Jay?"

His grin broadened and he took her into his arms and held her tight.

1... Happy New Year!!

As the clock reached 00.00 hours and it became January 1st 2002, Alex was tangled up in a warm embrace with Jay. She was unsure what Ellie was doing. She didn't care. It was a bad thing to admit, but she was beyond caring. He held her so tightly, she felt she could remain in his arms for forever and a day and still not have enough of him. He placed a kiss upon her lips and Alex felt herself melting away inside. This kiss blew all the others ones out of the park.

As he pulled away, the clock had become 00.01.18, a whole one minute and eighteen seconds for the most amazing kiss so far of her life. Granted it was only the third one ever, but regardless... she didn't care.

He hugged her again and this time he literally swept her off her feet. He spun her around and carried her outside. "We can talk here. Plus, the lights are kinda nice."

"I can't believe you're back." Alex said quietly. She was sure this was a dream or a mirage or some similar suckfest.

"I came back to see you."

* * *

**Wow! That was super long! Took me three days to complete! Please review, and enjoy!**


	9. Fully Anti Climatic

**Update! Here is Chapter 8. This was quite difficult to write. Hope you enjoy it anyways.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

* * *

Alex was so consumed by Jay's return that she failed to notice another person approaching them. As the intruders identity became apparent, Alex stiffened up cautiously. Their build was too tall and stock to be her mom or Ellie, her first and second guesses. Soon, Alex caught a twist of whiskey in the air and she knew exactly who it was.

"Hello Alexandra."

"Nathaniel..." Alex gasped in horrified disbelief.

Jay spun around and came face to face with the tormentor. Nathaniel's voice dripped with evil, bitter malice. "Bet you didn't think I'd show my face round these parts again." He continued sarcastically. "Happy New Year!" He smiled creepily.

"What do you want, Nate?" Alex's brave, hostile veneer was scratched by her shaky voice. She felt Jay's hand link up with her own and his thoughtfulness suddenly made her more nervous. Jay was macho and egotistical enough to swing for Nathaniel. He squeezed her hand tightly. "Jay, don't do anything." She hissed desperately.

"Hogart!" Nathaniel exclaimed sarcastically. "Sorry, man I didn't recognize you without your mom."

Jay let go of Alex's hand and stepped angrily toward Nathaniel, but Alex grabbed onto his shirt and held him back. "Jay! Stop it!"

"Alex, we're talking. Keep your mouth out of it."

Jay looked at Nathaniel with hate in his blue eyes. "Alex, he's got no fucking right to talk to you like that!"

"Jay! Please leave it!" Alex had tears burning in the back of her eyes. She was adamant she wouldn't let them fall. She just needed Jay to listen to her and not try anything stupid with Nathaniel.

"Alex, listen to the man. Unless you a black eye to match the one I have your mom."

"Oh, hey hey, that's enough of that, prick!" Jay shook himself easily from Alex's feeble grip and stepped toward Nathaniel bravely. He was mere centimeters shorter than his opponent, but Nathaniel had years of abuse practice behind him. However, Jay had youth, a clear head and boxing practice on his side.

"What are you, twelve?" Nathaniel shoved Jay back, but he bounced straight back.

"Nope!" Jay kneed Nathaniel in the crotch and he bent over double. Jay stepped backward and took that opportunity to kick him over. Nathaniel fell backward and Jay lunged at him. He battled him to the ground and threw a right hook slamming sickeningly into the side of his face. Nathaniel managed to get a grip on Jay's arms and threw him off him with minimal effort.

This didn't deter Mr Hogart though. He scrambled off the ground eagerly and stepped furiously on Nathaniel's beer belly with his muddy work boots he was wearing on his feet. Nathaniel let out a gut wrenching cry and doubled over again, his head jerking off the dusty ground in pain.

"You fucking bastard, you come anywhere near this girl or her mom again and you'll be fucking sorry." Jay threatened. He swiped a pot plant off a windowsill and pelted it at Nathaniel's weak body. He let out another gurgled cry as soil flew out of the pot and all over his body.

"Jay!" Alex squealed grabbing the material of his shirt angrily. "What the hell?"

"It had to be done, Lexi!" Jay shouted grabbing her arms to get her to focus.

"Get off me! Don't fucking touch me!" Alex shook herself out of his grip and stormed off.

"Alex! Lex, stop!" Jay called after her but she didn't slow down at all.

* * *

Ellie was euphoric. She had no idea who she was making out with, but whoever it was, it was awesome. She didn't even notice that Alex had suddenly ditched without a reason.

* * *

"Alex?" Jay's voice catapulted into the pitch black silence. "Lexi, I'm really sorry." He was stood behind her, and his voice was shooting right into her eardrum.

"Jay, I asked you not to touch him, and you still did." Alex stated calmly, not letting her emotions spill over yet.

"I know. But I wasn't gonna have him talk to you that way."

"But I asked you not to start anything. You just went ahead and did it anyway. What are you trying to prove, JJ?" Alex returned to using his old nickname, reasons for that she didn't know herself.

Jay had found Alex sat at the play park on the swing. She swung very slowly back and forth and the metal swing ropes creaked scarily in the dark.

"I wasn't trying to prove anything. That jerk deserves to be in prison for the shit he puts you and your mom through."

"But beating that shit outta him isn't gonna solve anything. He's gonna come after you with a weapon next, he doesn't have a conscience!"

"Alex, he won't." Jay wasn't sure though. "Alex, I need you to show me something."

"What?!" Alex spat angrily. She was in no mood for Jay's bullshit.

"Bruises. I know you've got 'em."

"No I haven't." Alex lied. "It's my mom he beats. Not me."

"Yeah, like I'd believe that!" Jay scoffed. He slowly reached out and touched her shoulder. She jumped as his hand came to a rest on her shoulder. "Please show me your bruises, Alex. I need to know what's happening to you."

Alex slowly rose from the swing and walked around the moving seat to stand face to face with Jay.

She bowed her head so all he could see was the top of her hair. "Jay, there's no bruises." She could feel his hand slowly slipping her jacket off her shoulders. He'd soon exposed the skin, and she could tell from his facial expression that he could see what Alex thought he could see.

On the top of her left arm, she had a huge bruise that was still fresh from Nathaniel's last spree. He gently tilted her head back and saw that she had tears streaming down her devastated face. His heart shattered to see her cry.

"Alex, please don't let him keep doing this." Jay kissed her once and carried on talking. "Are there any more?"

Alex was hesitant to reveal the two on her leg and stomach, but she found herself lifting her shirt up to show him. The dim light made the bruise upon her flat, tanned stomach appear bigger and blacker than it was. The shadows were deceiving. Jay was left reeling by the sight, and was more than taken aback when she lifted her shirt down and began to reveal another. He thought there was just the one.

"Oh my God, you cannot let that bastard do this to you. I'm gonna kill him!"

"No, no! Jay, no! I don't want you to get involved. We can handle it!"

"Obviously not!" Jay laughed despairingly. "Alex that fucking head-case beats the shit into you _and _your mom and you think its OK!"

"I don't think it's OK! I just know what you'll do to him and I don't want you to go doing anything stupid! I need you hear not in juvie!" Alex confessed, not intending for her tongue to let that much slip. She fell into his arms and he held onto her tightly. She broke down in his arms and could not stop the tears from falling. "You can't leave me again!"

"I'm not gonna leave!" Jay held her tight, sheltering her from the cool midnight breeze. He could feel her tiny body trembling in his arms and a huge lump formed in his throat. It made him sick that this creep was getting away with doing this to ladies. He may have been a thug, an undesirable, but there was one things he would never tolerate, and that was violence to women, no matter what the circumstance.

Things had changed so much since they were young. She wasn't a little girl anymore. They both realized that. There was no time to fuck around and waste their lives, things were moving so, so fast. And Jay did NOT like the direction they were headed.

* * *

**Hope you liked it! I know this chapter was kinda depressing, and I could've done a MUCH better job, but I hope it was OK. Please be kind and R&R! I wanna know genuinely what you guys think! Thank you!! x x x x**


	10. Things Can Only Get Better

**DISCLAIMER****: I own nothing Degrassi!**

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews so far! Keep em coming, I love getting them and will reply to ALL (in a PM) – guaranteed!**

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Things Can Only Get Better**

**January 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 14**

Jay hadn't really thought through his return to Toronto. It was approaching 2 am, Alex had left him almost half an hour ago and he had nowhere to now go.

He trudged aimlessly up and down the rows, looking in the windows of the trailers. Lots of people were still out enjoying the new years party. He got right to the corner where his house used to be, and he saw his old place. It looked in much better shape than when he and his mom occupied it. That place really was a shit hole. But he couldn't go back to it, and that was killing him inside. He couldn't come back to Toronto to his old life, cos it was all gone. He'd never wanted for anything in his life, he was happy with the lot he was given, but now for the first time all he wanted was his mom back and his old life, living here in TO. All he could think about was his dad in prison. He was the only relative he had here in Toronto, and he was in fucking jail for beating his mom.

He and Alex were getting more and more similar, the age difference didn't even seem anything anymore. They needed each other, Jay had to stay strong for her and Alex needed to stay strong to defend herself against Nathaniel. It made Jay sick that this man was still roaming the streets making their lives hell.

Jay felt it to be his duty to protect Alex, but the reminder that he had to go back to Oregon kept cropping up in his memory. He had so many thoughts about the whole situation the only way he could get it all down was to write it...

His handwriting was poor at the best of times, but now, in the dim light, his hand was put out from fighting Nathaniel, and he was more than a little shook up with the whole Alex drama, his writing resembled that of an illiterate, dyslexic four year old:

_I wanna be here to make sure you are OK, but I can't be in two places at once. Thinking about all this makes my heart bleed. I've never written something like this before, so I'm sorry if its crap. I bet it sounds really fake coming from me, cuz I never act like this in real life, but I really do mean it. No one has ever made me chat shit like this before, so you've gotta be doing something right. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I gotta go back, but one things for sure, I'm not gonna leave you on your own again._

_I don't know if I'll ever show you this. Its quite embarrassingly mushy and lame. Don't you ever let anyone see this, OK?_

_I'll help get Nathaniel off your case. I'll do whatever it takes._

His hand was still aching from doing so much writing as he folded up the paper until it was a tiny fraction of its former self and put it deep in his black hoodie pocket. He was about to make his way over to the 24 hour convenience store across the street, but was distracted by the familiar sight of his good friend Sean Cameron... making out with Ellie!

_Hold up! That weirdo goth girl Ellie is with Sean? Bad ass Sean Cameron? How the fuck does that figure?_

"Sean?" Jay asked in disbelief. Sean instantly ditched Ellie and came bounding over to give Jay one of the weird macho guy hugs.

"Whats up man? When did ya get back to Toronto?"

"Just now." Jay said shortly. He was so not in the mood for small talk. "Uh, Ellie?" Jay turned his attention to Sean's lady friend. "Can I have a word?"

"With her? You know her?" Sean spoke without thinking. Jay was sure he hadn't meant for it to come out sounding so rude, but alcohol + a freaky kissing partner meant the occasional bout of accidental word vomit.

"Yeah. Just five minutes, then you can have her back." Jay continued.

Ellie looked to Sean for permission to go talk to Jay, which made him sick. "What's up?"

"I need you to tell me some stuff about Alex." Jay whispered quickly. "When was Nathaniel last here?"

"I dunno, like a month ago? Or maybe more, I don't know." Ellie slurred her words and Jay could see her gently swaying as she stood in front of him. She was no help.

"Ellie, think about it, seriously! When was it?" Jay lowered his tone and he spoke sinisterly.

"November. I think. It was like a week after you left or something."

Jay didn't like hearing that he'd 'left'. It made him feel more guilty than he did before. "Why did he leave?"

"Alex never said." Ellie shrugged, not understanding why it was a big deal.

Jay looked exasperated. If Ellie was a guy he'd probably have decked her out of sheer restlessness by now. He didn't raise his hand to her though, no matter how stressed he was. He didn't curse or shout at her either, he just turned and stalked off, kicking up dust from the chalky ground as he walked.

He needed to find out exactly what Nathaniel's game plan was. He needed to hunt this guy down and make sure that the time he hit Alex around the ribs was the last time he'd ever lay a hand on Alex, or Emily or any woman.

* * *

Alex was relieved to know Jay was back. She needed a guardian angel looking out for her, and he was finally back to keep her safe. She'd never admit to anyone that Nathaniel scared her, but with Jay it was like he saw straight through her façade. They say that they eyes are the window to the soul. When Jay looked in her eyes, Alex felt a million tonne weight of problems and anxiety washing away. He was always going to be there for her, she knew that now. There had been a rough couple of weeks when he first left when she thought she'd be on her own forever and he'd never come back.

Maybe it was a New Years Resolution, maybe it was a sudden attack of conscience, Alex wasn't sure, but her mom came in at 3am to tuck Alex in and kiss her goodnight.

"Night, sweetie." Emily leaned in and placed a motherly kiss on her forehead. Alex wasn't use to such displays of affection from her mom. "Sweet dreams."

"Night mom." Alex called out into the empty darkness. As her mom closed up the bedroom door, Alex found herself alone again. She couldn't believe the night was over all ready. It may have come to a premature close, but she had the perfect memories that would last a life time.

Perfect, that is, until they turned sour. Nathaniel's appearance tarnished the happy memory she had of the party. Jay had stuck up for her, step one of making sure he would always be there for her, but deep down she wished he wouldn't. Moreover, she wished that he _didn't have to._

It was after 5.30am before Alex actually got to sleep. Lucky there was no school the next day. Her mind had been so busy analyzing and processing the events of the past few months, sleep had taken a place on the back burner.

* * *

Jay was still wandering around town aimlessly at 6am. It was cold, bitterly cold. He'd spent just three and a half hours of the night asleep.

He went down to the ravine, maneuvered one of the picnic benches to against the wall, covered it in a tarpaulin, trapping the ends in the space between the wall and the bench wood so it wouldn't fly away. He ducked underneath and slept in the shelter of his makeshift 'tent'. Even though it was in the sheltered bit of the ravine, and it was covered by tarpaulin, it was still bitterly cold. The chilly Canadian winter weather made sure of that.

At 5.45am, when he could stand it no longer, he emerged from his 'tent' looking decidedly worse for wear, feeling cranky and wishing he had somewhere warm to be.

He paced the sidewalk in aggravation. He dug deep in his pocket and counted the money he had: two crumpled twenty dollar bills, a handful of quarters and a button.

"This'll get me far." Jay muttered to himself as he tossed the button back in his jeans pocket for safe keeping. He re-evaluated the sixty-odd dollars he was clutching in his left hand. He had enough to go to the 24 hour convenience store and get himself a Coke. It had been about eight hours since he'd drank or eaten, and his head was beginning to spin. After that he also realized it had been the same amount of time since he'd smoked a cigarette. This was the perfect way for him to give up. Shame he was in no mood to do such a thing.

* * *

Ellie Nash fell asleep before her head hit the pillow. She had absolutely no idea who this Sean kid was, except he was a friend of Jay's. Hell, she barely knew Jay, only through Alex, but she'd finished the night draped over him naughtily in the corner, exchanging saliva.

In the morning, she wouldn't remember a thing.

Alex who'd finally just got some shut eye, had a dreamless nights sleep. She was sure that in the morning, things would seem better. Drenched in sunshine and daylight, things were always better. Right...?

* * *

**There's chapter ten! Hope you liked!**

**PS – I described American money in the bit with Jay, cos I wasn't sure what Canadian dollars were like – eg: do they still have dimes, quarters, nickels, etc... Hope it wasn't too culturally incorrect! :)**

**Please R&R! Enjoy!**


	11. I Don't Like Myself Right Now

**DISCLAIMER: I own no-one but the character of Sunny. (awesome name IMHO!)**

**AUTHORS NOTE: I am taking a vacation for two weeks, so no more updates for now. But I promise when I get home, I will have 2 updates waiting for you! I swear!**

**So please, review this chapter! I'd love to have a bunch of reviews waiting for me when I get back! Enjoy this chapter! Hope it's up to everyone's liking! :D**

* * *

**Chapter Ten: I Don't Like Myself Right Now**

**FLASHBACK**

"_So, Jay..." Sunny said unsurely. "I was wondering, if you're not doing anything, uh, maybe, if you want, do you wanna come with me to the New Year party at the Rec Center. I know it isn't much but..." She trailed off, her voice well an truly lost._

_Jay felt a bit lost. He stared at this beautiful stood before him. She looked like she was going to hurl. He wished she wasn't so nervous around him. She was beautiful. He'd said it before, and it would never get old. Auburn hair that gently waved and bounced, round greeney-blue eyes and a heart-stopping smile. Sunny was the first and only person he'd met so far in Oregon that he would regard a friend. Sunny's friends became his acquaintances but Sunny was just one great girl. Plus, she ha a freakin' awesome name too. That was cool. But he still felt loss. Reason being, he would be more than happy to go to this party with Sunny, but he had already got his plane ticket back to Toronto. He was in a quandary._

"_Uh... this New Year?" He asked stupidly._

_Sunny's face fell. "Yeah." She said, her voice a defeated whisper. Flush instantly crept up in her cheeks. She felt furious at herself for asking Jay, of course he didn't want to go with her to some shitty party at the Rec Center. She'd known him – vaguely – for a few weeks. She must have misinterpreted the talking, joking and general flirting._

"_I- I'd love to..." Jay began unsurely._

"_But you're not gonna." Sunny finished for him expectantly._

"_No, Sunny it's not that!" Jay interjected with an uneasy smile on his face. "I want to but I'm going back to Toronto tomorrow."_

"_Oh..." Sunny's eyes clouded over and she looked away, letting her hair fall in front of her face._

_There was a horrendous silence between the two of them. Sunny felt like the walls were closing in on her. "How long for?" She choked out, feeling ashamed that she was crying in front of Jay._

"_Uh... I might have to stay."Jay admitted, knowing it would break Sunny._

_Right on cue, Sunny lifted her head to reveal her tear-stained face. Jay hated to break girls hearts, but somehow he'd managed to break two girls hearts in the space of a few weeks. Sunny looked defeated. "Why?"_

"_It's a long story." Jay said, hoping she'd drop it, but the look fixed on her face told him otherwise. "Basically, I've got a friend there, she really needs me."_

"_A girlfriend?" Sunny inquired, her voice raising a few octaves._

"_Sorta." Jay admitted sheepishly._

_Jay was expecting a slap, or at least a challenge, but Sunny just laughed, which threw him straight off track._

"_Why are you laughing?" Jay asked nervously. The tables were turning..._

"_You made me look a complete dickhead, Jay!" Sunny chuckled at her own embarrassment. "I was worried sick about asking you to this party. Why did you never mention before you were going back to Canada?"_

"_I... uh.. I... you never asked." Jay stuttered, then said the first thing that came to mind._

"_What?" Sunny exclaimed, a fresh batch of tears forming in her emerald eyes. "I never asked? I shouldn't have to ask!"_

_She was older than Alex and Jay noticed it. Talking to Sunny was much more complex and grown up than talking with Alex. There was only nine months in it, but those nine months made all the difference._

"_Look, Sunny I'm sorry, OK? But she needs me. Her dad's beating her and her mom up, and I have to get back to make sure she is OK."_

"_So you're just gonna ditch me after leading me on all this way?" Sunny folded her arms across her chest and looked away from him again._

"_It's not like that!" Jay protested standing up._

"_It's exactly like that!" Sunny stood up too, although her petite size was no match on Jay's stature._

"_I've gotta go." Jay said, turning sharply and heading away from Sunny._

"_Wait!" Sunny called out. She lunged forward and grabbed hold of his arm. "Wait, you can't go yet."_

"_Yes I can. I need to go home so I can go... home." Jay said feeling a riddle coming on._

_Sunny just looked at him. Their eyes met and Jay was transfixed for just a few moments. The world seemed to stop for a moment, and he wished things were simpler. But they just weren't. He leaned forward and gave Sunny a quick peck on the lips. "Bye." He snapped out of his trance and turned and walked away. Sunny was like an angel who'd had her halo knocked off. He snuck one last glance at her, then he walked on confidently an he didn't look back. He was going to Toronto. To the fallen angel he'd left behind. _

* * *

The watery sun finally began to poke out from beneath the horizon at about 7.15. It was a relief to finally feel the warm air.

_Don't get too carried away. _Jay thought to himself. This was January. Weather wasn't gonna get too sunny just yet.

He wondered when would be an appropriate time to knock on Alex's door. He checked his reflection in a car window. Yep, typical hobo look: crumpled clothes, bloodshot eyes and unkempt hair. Sure, he was gonna make a great impression today.

He ruffled his hand through his hair, then decided to get his baseball cap out of his bag and put that on to cover his bad hair. _You vain bitch! _He thought to himself as he checked around to see no-one had witnessed his little beauty regime.

Alex found herself awake again just two and a half hours after she fell asleep. It was hopeless. Dark nightmares of Nathaniel and Jay were corrupting her dreams. It had got worse in the past few weeks. Jay being all the way in Oregon and knowing Nathaniel could be just around the corner at any minute scared the shit out of Alex. She'd never been scared of Nathaniel. Anxious yes. But scared? No. Not until now. It made her feel angry at herself that she was scared of what Nathaniel could do to them. Her mom had spent the whole of Alex's childhood teaching her never to be scared of men or let men dictate to her at all. Now she was going back on all of that cos she was scared.

Jay got back to the trailer park at nine and things looked much better in the daylight. Despite the empty beer cans, cigarette ends and smashed glass that littered the place, it still felt like home, and Jay was happy to be here. He'd spent the night thinking about leaving Sunny behind, and wondered if he'd done the right thing. He remembered when he left Alex in TO and went to Oregon for the first time. He'd kissed her and then left her. He'd done the same to Sunny. It wasn't the nicest way of leaving a girl behind, but he'd done it twice. He had a bad habit of treating one girl the same as the rest, like shit.

He'd debated it all morning, but when it came to crunch time, he just though fuck it. He strolled casually toward Alex's trailer and knocked on the door confidently.

He waited for what seemed like hours, before he heard floorboards creak and someone came padding over to the door to open it. He had a horrible few seconds where he pictured Nathaniel opening the door and head-butting him. But it turned out to be Alex at the door.

"Ah!" Alex opened the door and ducked behind it again almost instantly. He knew why. She was wearing little blue shorts and his AC/DC t-shirt that he'd left her when he went to Oregon. He knew that she'd be embarrassed by that. He wasn't sure why, but he knew she would be.

"Lexi, don't worry. I ain't laughing." He said grabbing the door handle so she was exposed.

"Jay, where the hell did you stay last night?" Alex asked running a hand through her messy bed hair.

"Uh, I converted a picnic bench into a makeshift tent." Jay admitted, knowing he'd get a lecture.

Sure enough, Alex's eyes grew wide and she began to run off a list of reasons why it was dangerous to sleep outside: cold weather, pneumonia, muggers, wild animals...

"Alex, it's the ravine, not the outback!" Jay pointed out, gesturing with his hands for her to calm down.

"That's not the point! You coulda stay here." Alex offered, a bit late in the day.

"What are you doing today?" Jay asked.

"Uh, nothing. Do you wanna come in?" Alex noticed Jay's eyes drooping.

"Uh, yeah sure." Jay blinked and looked up at her trying to keep his heavy eyelids open. He stumbled over the threshold and slumped down on the couch sleepily.

"Do you want a drink?" Alex asked, heading to the fridge to pick out two Cokes.

Jay nodded and held his hands out to grab one. Alex lobbed it across the room and he caught it with one hand. "Thanks." He took one long sip and set it down on the coffee table. "So..." He rubbed his hands together and looked around the room smiling foolishly.

"My mom's at work. I'm sorry I don't have anything we can do. Wanna play video games?" Alex asked doubtfully.

"Sure." Jay agreed. The simple things in life were what made people happiest. This was one of those times. He pushed all thoughts of Sunny to the back of his mind and focused on staying awake.

**Please R+R – What do you think of Junny? Constructive criticism is always welcome too!**


	12. The Way I Are

**I know it's a little late in the game, but from henceforth, all chapter's will be named after songs. I'm sorry for the mahoosive wait between chapters, I've been on vacation! **

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing! Yad-i-Yah! You know the drill.**

**Oh – and I've been forgetting to put the date in on the story, but from this point onwards, I'll make sure I do. **

**Lastly, in the UK the phrase 'skinning up' means to roll a spliff/joint etc. Hope you guys understand!!**

**So without further ado, here's Chapter 12: The Way I Are!**

* * *

**Chapter 12: The Way I Are – Timbaland ft. Keri Hilson and Doe**

**January 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 14**

Jay decided instantly that he wasn't going to tell Alex anything about Sunny. If he ever went back to Portland, he'd have a lot of explaining to do – in both countries – but that was a maybe. For now, he had plenty of stuff to focus on. How the hell he thought he could come back to Toronto _on his own_ and find somewhere to live and get a place back in Degrassi he did not know.

Misguided.

Alex watched Jay discretely as his mind ticked over. She wondered what he was thinking. His eyes were drooping, he'd be gone soon. He didn't notice her looking at him. He had the Play Station One controller in his hand. "Ready?" He asked spacily.

Alex nodded and retrieved her controller, but after commencement, game play didn't last long. Jay's character came to a stand still and the controller dropped to the floor, the loud rattling caused Alex to jump. Jay's head was slumped forward resting on his chest.

"_God, it's gonna be a long day." _Alex mused to herself.

_Jay was sat in his house, at his kitchen table, in is trailer. Alex was sat opposite him melting plastic action figures and reshaping them into obscene positions. His mom was bustling around in the background arranging little toy cars into ascending size order. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. His mom carried on rearranging, and Alex carried on melting, as if nothing was happening. Alex had her head bowed slightly, but Jay could see she wasn't as he remembered her. Her hair was longer, wavy, and she wore a tiny gold nose stud that caught the lights and blinded him. Still, no-one seemed to notice the knock on the door, but curiosity got the better of Jay and he rose from his seat to go answer it. As he did, he caught a look at the date on the calendar that was tacked to the refrigerator. October 9th 2009._

_As he edged slowly toward the door, things began to change. He blinked and when he opened his eyes mere milliseconds later, his surroundings had completely changed. He was in a small apartment, two floors up, gray walls, wooden floors, sparse furnishings, no warmth to the place at all. A floor-length mirror on the wall by the front door, and the image reflected into it, caused him to turn around quickly. Sat at the table was a scarily recognizable girl. Very long poker straight black hair with bangs, massive silver hoop earrings and smoky made up eyes. It was definitely Alex. She was hard at work skinning up a joint. Her tanned fingers with long French manicured nails worked quickly. She looked up at him momentarily, long enough for him to get a close look at her. The only thing different – well two things – 1. This "Alex" was at least eighteen or older. And 2. Her nose was thin and slight. Jay looked over to the coffee table and saw found line of coke._

_The girl lowered her head and went back to what she was doing and didn't look up again. Another thing; his mom had disappeared._

_He caught a glimpse of himself in the long mirror. His body took up the length and width of the mirror; broad shoulders, easily taller than 6ft, muscular arms. He wore a backward flat peak black cap and had a tattoo snaking its way round his bicep. He looked old! When the hell did he get a tattoo?_

_Another hasty knock at the door snapped him back to what he was doing. He opened the door. Stood before him was... himself? And Alex. Their thirteen and fourteen year old selves were stood at the door smiling weirdly..._

And that was all Jay remembered. He woke with a start. Alex looked down on him with a look scarily reminiscent of that in his dream. He leaped off the couch like it was on fire and looked around the room in paranoia.

"Jay?" Alex asked, jumping up too.

Jay studied Alex's face closely. She looked more concerned and just a little bit frightened than on drugs.

"Jay, what the fuck?" She repeated, her eyes struck with confusion and panic..

"That was fuckin' weird." Jay said, clapping his hand to the side of his face. Alex watched him look around the room nervously.

"What was?" She pressed on exasperatedly.

"Uh, I had a weird... dream." he was unsure of what to refer to it as.

"Oh..." Alex was dumbfounded. That was _not _what she expected Jay was going to say. A grin began to tease her lips, and soon a wide smile spread across her face. "A dream?" She mocked, stifling a laugh.

Jay looked at her in uncertainty, but quickly decided to let it slide.

"You were in it." Jay said, shooting her a sharp look.

"Oh yeah?" Alex's interest increased. "What happened?" She asked now purposefully instead of mockingly.

"It wasn't like you. You looked different. My mom was there too." Jay added slowly. "Then she just disappeared."

Jay and Alex looked at each other, knowing exactly what the other was thinking. That obviously signified her death, so what if the other occurrences in the dream signified things to look out for?

"And then it got really weird after that. We were in this place. This house. Me and you, all drugged up and shit. I answered the door and it was us, now. At the door."

"What?" Alex asked befuddled.

"It was me and you right now, talking to me and you as like twenty year old druggies."

"Oh." Alex said simply.

Jay was exasperated. Alex just didn't get it. "Forget it!" He exclaimed flapping his hands about dramatically. "I'll have forgotten about it by tomorrow."

- - - - -

Alex didn't get the weirdness of Jay's dream, but it really put the shivers up Jay's spine. He didn't like seeing his mom in dreams. She lived on in his conscience, and that was where he intended for her to stay. But when he was asleep, he lost all control of his sub-conscious and she was free to crop up anywhere.

He tried to explain it to Alex, but she ended up just lying about getting what he was talking about.

Another thing that had got to Jay about the dream was Alex when she'd been sat at the kitchen table. Were they really destined for a life of drugs and failure?

* * *

A week passed and things were coasting alone nicely. He'd swallowed his pride and accepted the offer to sleep on Alex's couch, as humiliating and ego-bashing as it was for him, at least he now had a roof over his head. He barely remembered the details of that weird dream, and he didn't find himself recalling parts of it, which was a relief. Nathaniel didn't show up again, and Emily was oblivious to the fact that he'd ever come back. So far, Jay was doing a good job of keeping his girl safe. She'd started opening up to him more, without being forced or asked. She voluntarily showed him her bruises and how they'd gone down. Jay ran his fingers feather lightly over the discoloration and reassured her once again that things were going to be OK. Alex wanted to believe him, she really did, but she had to doubt his words. Both of their lives were shit. Alex could see no bright lights at the end of any tunnels. The words coming from his mouth may as well be any old bullshit.

"I promise you. It'll all be OK in the end." Alex's face lit up and they shared the most awesome fourth kiss ever. Things were going great, but Alex pulled away suddenly. Jay couldn't help but get aggravated.

"What?" He asked impatiently.

"I need one more promise." Alex explained in a hushed whisper. "If Nathaniel comes back, you have to promise not to do anything stupid."

"Lexi, don't stick up for that asshole, he's a jerk!"

"I don't want you to get hurt."

Jay threw Alex a doubting look.

"OIK, so you could take him easily." Alex admitted. "But I don't want you to do anything to get yourself into trouble."

"Trouble's my middle name, Lexi." Jay tried to lighten the mood by injecting a little humor.

"No it isn't, it's Jackson." Alex reminded him, not getting the joke.

Jay winced at the mention of his fathers name.

"Sorry, I didn't meant that." Alex said sheepishly as she realized what she'd said.

"It's true, Lexi. It's not like you can help I have a complete tool for a dad!" Jay joked dryly.

"At least you got a dad."

"Oh don't give me that bull!" Jay snorted. "You hate your dad as much as I do!"

Jay screwed up his face as he realized that sentence came out all wrong. "That's not what I meant. You know what I meant, right?"

Alex just smile half-heartedly.

* * *

Jay wasn't ready to go to bed when Alex retired at 11.30pm. He stayed up talking for two hours after Alex had gone. It was kinda embarrassing talking to Emily; she asked such shameless, forthcoming questions.

"You and my Alex make a lovely pair." Emily smiled, cradling her warm beer in her hands.

Jay just half smiled and nodded slightly in agreement.

"You'll take good care of her won't you? Stay safe, if you catch my drift." Emily said winking.

""Oh God, no, we don't, I-

"For future reference then." Emily said, smiling a gap tooth wicked smile. Jay's cheeks blazed and he wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole, but Emily didn't seem phased at all. She downed the remainder of her can and excuses herself to bed, leaving fireball Jay to burn up the sofa with his immortal embarrassment. His brain was too active to even think about sleeping. It was after 1AM and the house was completely silent, but the millions of thoughts that occupied his brain and deafened him. The talk with Emily had really got him thinking.

To Say he'd never thought about doing it with Alex would be and understatement. It had crossed his mind more than a few times but he couldn't think about Alex without thinking about Sunny. The reason was, when he was in Oregon, Sunny and Jay were more than just friends. He actually went all the way with her. Before she tried to invite him to the New Years party, the one he ditched to return to Toronto, they'd had sex. It wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination.

After that, Jay started seeing Sunny in a whole new light. She was just hungry for one thing. He couldn't talk to her, or laugh with her or joke with her like he could with Alex. All Sunny wanted was sex, and everything to do with sex. Jay delivered that one time, but then he began noticing the slutty side of her that so many people had told him about, which he refused to believe. That made it even harder for Sunny to let him go. Jay on the other hand was glad to get away from Sunny and her constant demands.

Weirdly, he had the audacity to have sex with her then run off back to Oregon to Alex, but he couldn't seem to find the heart to tell Sunny he was interested in someone else. For the time being, Jay could keep his tumble with Sunny a secret, but things that he wanted to keep to himself had a habit of coming out for Jay.

On paper, Sunny seemed the obvious choice for Jay over Alex. She was the right age, perfect body, beautiful looks and maturity to boot. But Alex had different attributes. Cute, with that little something extra that Jay couldn't quite place. Physically, she could never compare to Sunny, but in Jay's eyes, Alex won every time. He loved her the way she was.

* * *

**Woo! Finally An Update! Hope You Liked It And I Hope You Think It Was Worth The Wait!**

**Please R&R!! x**


	13. Lying Is The Most Fun

**Hope ya likes this chapter!**

**DISCLAIMER: I still don't own a thing.**

* * *

**Chapter 13: Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At The Disco.**

**March 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

How the hell could things go from great to shit in less than 24 hours?

Jay felt sick to his stomach. He stood in the kitchen with his phone glued in his hand, unable to move, speak or breathe properly.

"Jay? Jay? Jay...?" A sing-song voice called out from the other end. The almighty boulder in the back of his throat prevented him from responding. The receiver kept calling his name, and a thick layer of sweat forming on the bridge of his nose was drowning him. He grabbed the phone and managed to utter "what?" down the speaker.

"Did you hear what I said?" the voice asked. Jay took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

"Are you trying to fuck with me? Get outta my life."

"I'm sorry this is how you gotta find out, but you just upped and left!"

"Sunny, I don't wanna hear it!"

"Jay, I need you to send me money."

That was it for Jay. He slammed the phone down and sank to the floor in devastation. Thank God he was alone in the house. There was absolutely no way this could be happening to him. Not now. He'd just been celebrating turning 15, now he was receiving the second worst news of his life, after the death of his mom.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in Oregon, Sunny hung up the phone and devilishly smiled to herself.

* * *

While Jay was facing the most difficult choice of his life, Ellie was living it up. Her tonsil tennis partner from New Year was still around. She and Sean spent every waking minute together, and Ellie had never been happier. All thoughts of her dad fighting overseas in the war and her alcoholic mother were pushed to the back of his head when she was with Sean.

Alex, however, was having less fun than her red-headed friend. She had taken the day out to go grocery shopping with her mom. She was only there in body though. Her mind was elsewhere. She was ecstatically happy to have Jay back, but she couldn't help but feel there was some underlying thing going on that she couldn't quite identify.

* * *

Jay's hung up the phone ten minutes ago, and his heart still hadn't stopped hammering in his chest. He sat on the steps of the trailer with the door open a crack, smoking a cigarette. He didn't miss the rules and regulations of Melissa and Cory's place. He did however feel a twinge of guilt for coming across so ungrateful. He'd spent just seven dreadful weeks at theirs before mustering up enough money to come home to Toronto. But he may have time to fix that, as it was looking like another trip back to Portland might be imminent.

* * *

Alex had no idea of the predicament Jay had just found himself in, nor did she know about his current fragile, delicate frame of mind. So when he found her melting action figures in the back yard, she didn't understand why he flipped out like he did.

"What the hell, Jay? Are you done being a drama queen yet?" Alex asked in disbelief at his outburst.

"Lexi, I might need to go back to Oregon." He confessed, swiping his hat off his head and running his hand through his hair.

"What? Why?" Alex uttered in shock.

"I just... I just do. I can't tell you why." Jay stammered, his nostrils flaring, a classic sign of lying.

"Why, Jay?! What trouble are you in?" Alex presumed he was in some sort of trouble, and it pained him inside to lie to her, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her what he knew. So he laced the whole truth with a half truth.

He did need to go back to Oregon and sort this mess out with Sunny, but he couldn't even begin to comprehend telling Alex exactly what this "mess" was. He couldn't even admit it to himself what the mess was.

"I don't know yet, but I might have to go back to sort one thing out with someone."

"What one thing?" Alex asked dubiously.

"I can't tell you." Jay said, staring down at his scruffy Nike's. He heard her inhale as if she was going to speak again, but he cut her off before she could commence. "Lexi, please leave it. I can't tell you... yet. I just might need to go."

"Why 'might', huh?" Alex asked, her voice hardening, her temper rising. "Can't you just be honest with me? After all this time?"

"I'm really sorry, Lexi. I don't wanna hurt you."

"But you are!" Her voice shook. She looked destroyed. He _was _a soul destroyer, what did you expect?

"No..." He stuttered under his breath.

"Yes. Yes you are." Alex whispered back, turning her head in shame at the hot tears that were streaming down her face.

"I don't mean to. You gotta know that. I never meant to hurt you ever, I love you."

"Jay, don't say those things! I know you don't mean it!" Alex turned and faced him, not bothering to wipe away the tears. Seeing Alex like that sent a jolt of guilt and self loathing shooting through Jay's body like lightning.

"I do mean it!" Jay shouted back 98 truthfully.

"No! You don't! If you did, you would tell me what's so important back in Oregon that you are leavin' me again to go and sort out!" Alex got nearer to his face as she continued and by the end of her rant she was millimeters from his face.

"I can't even admit it to myself!" Jay finally cracked.

"Ah, now we're getting somewhere!" Alex laughed sarcastically.

"Who have you been conning, Jay?" She snarled, glaring at him angrily, her voice dripping with venom.

"No-one, God! Why do you automatically assume I'm in trouble?"

"Cuz you act so God damn suspicious! What is it with you?"

"I've got big stuff to think about! Serious stuff, Alex!"

"Tell me what they are, Jason!" She made a funny gesture when she said his name. Jay wasn't too keen on being addressed by his full name. That only happened when his mom was mad at him, which now was never.

"Stop it! Just fucking cut it out, OK? I can't tell you!" Jay shot up and stormed out of the house.

Three hours later, he still hadn't returned. Alex convinced herself he'd gone back to Oregon. She was dying to know what he'd done or what he'd left in Oregon that was such a big deal. He didn't have any of his stuff with him, so it wasn't like he could go far. Alex tried to tell herself that, but her mind was twisting things so much she barely recognized her own thoughts.

"When did you kill JJ?" The sound of her mom's voice made her jump ten feet off the sofa. "Why's it so quiet? You done away with the boy?" Emily joked innocently enough.

"No. He's just gone. Just like they all do."

"What are you talkin' about, sweetie?"

"He just got up and left. Said he had some stuff to do back in Oregon."

"Oregon? He's just come back! What's he gotta do?"

"I don't know!" Alex shouted back exasperatedly. "He wouldn't tell me, the jerk." She muttered bitterly.

"D'you know how long he's going for?"

Alex shook her head miserably.

"I'm sure he'll be back by tonight. He's not taken any stuff, right. He'll be back. With a big fat apology, I'm sure." Emily ruffled Alex's hair then headed to the fridge to retrieve a beer. She didn't seem to find this a big deal at all. It was excruciating to be going through the biggest trauma of your life with the people around you thinking it was all one big party.

He didn't come back that night...

* * *

**Oooh cliffhanger! Hope you like this chapter!**

**Please leave a review with your honest opinion, they're all most welcome and so hugely appreciated! Thanks in advance! x**


	14. Love Will Tear Us Apart

**This one and the next one were written together, but then I decided I wanted them as two separate chapters. So I'm gonna upload this one, then write the next next one (if that makes sense), upload the second half of this one tomorrow, then upload the third one the day after, then I'll be up to date again, writing as I upload, instead of copying up stuff I've already written. God, that was confusing. **

**Anyways, here is chappie fourteen! Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own Nada!**

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division**

**March 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

Jay took the bus into the city. His body creaked awkwardly from another night of sleeping rough. He stared transfixed at the scenery rushing past the window. As they came to a stop at the lights, a huge billboard caught his attention:

"PRO-LIFE! Heartbeat at 18 days old!"

The words on the billboard made his stomach flip. He was a murderer, no better than the psycho's that went on killing sprees with machine guns. Traveling into town to the bank to withdraw money to send to Sunny for an abortion made him just as bad as those creeps you saw on the news. You'd have thought that after loosing his mom so young and so tragically, he'd be a million percent against death, but he was still willing to hand over the money his mom had left him to pay some skank fling to erase the son or daughter they had conceived on a drunken, half hearted one night stand.

He wondered what Sunny was doing now and how she was feeling. Now he understood why she was so reluctant to let him come back to Toronto. If he'd have known she was pregnant before he left, he would have never gone.

- - - - -

He stood at the ATM and punched in his pin code with a wobbly hand. 8768 – his birth year and his mom's birth year. The maximum he could withdraw from his account was 189.00, leaving him with just fifty three cents. But he wasn't that stupid. He withdrew 75 and pretended it was all he could afford. He wasn't about to hand over _all _his money. He enveloped it and sprawled the address clearly on the front:

Miss Sunny James

2334 Templar Avenue

Portland

Oregon

USA

He dropped it in the box and metaphorically kissed goodbye nearly half of his money, and a kid he didn't really want, and had never met, but had grown to love already. How pathetic was that?

* * *

He knocked sheepishly on Alex's door when he got back home. Emily answered the door with a knowing look on her face, and stepped aside to reveal Alex leaned against the back of the sofa with her arms crossed over her chest, biting the skin around her thumb nail.

"Lexi?" He broke the atmospheric silence with a small, scared sounding voice. Not like him at all.

Her head shot up and she stormed over toward him. "So you're back? You just run off to Ohio without telling me – again!?"

"It's Oregon." Jay pointed out, unsure of why he did, but he did anyway. Just to add to the dickhead persona he'd adopted.

"Why the fuck, Jay?" Alex asked, screwing her face up in disbelief at his point he just made.

"I didn't go back to Oregon. I just went into town. I sorted it out here. It's over now."

"Shut the fuck up, Jay! You're a bastard!" Alex shoved his chest with her clenched fist. Jay had no choice but to stand there and take it until she calmed down.

"Alex, take it easy!" He offered, stepping away from her and grabbing her arms to calm her down.

"No, Jay, I'm not gonna 'take it easy'!" She spat incredulously. "You always do this to me! This is the last time you're gonna play me for a fool!"

"Lexi, I got everything sorted out. Can't we just drop it, and go back to where we were before? When we were happy? I liked it there."

Alex took one look at him and laughed. "Don't be stupid, Jay! You think that after all this shit you've put me through I'm just gonna lie down and take it? Are you mad?" She spat bitterly.

"Lexi, I'm so sorry. I really am."

"I don't believe you." Alex said heartbreakingly. "I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth."

"I really am, OK?" Jay pleaded with panic in his voice. He was facing his worst nightmare now, and it scared him.

"No! No way! Not OK. Not by far! I'm not even gonna look at you until you start telling the truth! The real truth! And please stop calling me Lexi, I hate it. I hate you." she snarled spitefully.

She stormed out of the doorway and into her bedroom, slamming the door so loudly behind her the whole trailer shook. Jay was left standing in the doorway feeling stupid. Every time he heard a crash, he winced. Emily was stood solemnly in the doorway of her bedroom, not moving an inch, not making eye contact with him.

"I thought I could get her back just like that." Jay explained, clicking his fingers as an explanation. "But I fucked it up."

"What's going on in Oregon, JJ?" Emily asked looking up.

He stepped into the trailer and sank down miserably on the couch. Emily perched tentatively on the arm of the couch and listened patiently. "I, I can't tell you." Jay stuttered. "Alex can't find out. It'll kill her."

"You can tell me, JJ. I promise I won't tell her unless you want me to."

Jay looked up and studied her face, wondering if he could trust her.

"Promise?" He asked reluctantly.

"You got my word." Emily swore, no sign of a tell tale giveaway smirk on her face.

"OK..." Jay inhaled deeply and began his story. "I had to withdraw money from my bank to send to Oregon. There's this girl."

"Girlfriend?"

"Sorta. Sunny her name was. Is." Jay stammered in hushed tones. "She... she's uh pregnant. And wants an abortion." he shuddered at himself hearing the words come from his mouth.

Emily looked horrified. "Do you want her to get one?"

"I don't know..." Jay sighed in frustration. "I'm too young to be a dad, but at the same time I can't live with that on my conscience. It's murder." He stared ahead rigidly.

"Oh, JJ. I'm so sorry. I thought this would be something small. This is huge. This is-"

"Jay?"

* * *

**What did ya think? Please review and be honest! Thank you!! x**


	15. Guilty Conscience

**Argh, sorry this is a short one too! Hope you like it anyway!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: Guilty Conscience**

**March 2002**

**Alex: 13**

**Jay: 15**

Alex's tiny voiced interruption scared the life out of Jay. He leaped up and faced her guiltily.

"How much of that did you hear?" He asked as Emily backed out of the room discretely.

"Try all of it." Alex said stonily.

"Now do you understand why I couldn't tell you?"

Alex was speechless. This was just way too much. "This is just way too much, Jay!" she shouted at him, exactly how she felt. "I was just getting used to being mad at you for having to go back to Oregon, now I find out you've got a pregnant girlfriend there! I can't deal with this kinda shit Jay, I'm 13!"

"This is harder for me than it is for you, Alex!" jay spat back angrily. He was feeling bad at first, now Alex was trying to flip this and make herself look like the victim, and that pissed him off. "Do you think this is a walk in the park on a Sunday for me? I wish to fuckin' God that it wasn't happening, but it is, and I can't handle it either! It's a million times harder for me than it is for you! I'm sorry, but it is, OK?" Jay ranted melodramatically. That shut her up. Then he realized he'd hurt her feelings. Seriously offended her. He stood up in the middle of the claustrophobic, suffocating living room wishing he could turn back time and keep his _fucking mouth shut! _

"Jay, I don't think I can do this. It's not gonna work, you being here either."

"You're kicking me out?" Jay gasped in disbelief. "Alex, please don't do this to me!"

"Don't make this any harder, please!" Alex's voice cracked half way through and she couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"Harder?" Jay echoed in shock. He too had tears in his eyes. "I've got no money, no life, no future and best of all, _no fucking home! _It doesn't get any harder than that!"

"Go back to Oregon then! You must have some money to send to that skank! There's another lie right there! Go back there forever! Go live with your slut and have your kid and make sure you live happily ever after!"

- - - - -

Jay was too proud and defiant to listen to Emily's pleas for him to stay. There was no way he was staying there after Alex had spoken to him that way. There was no way he could be around her knowing the pain he'd put her through. He knew he deserved every last insult she threw at him. He'd done wrong, and he'd hurt the girl he was supposed to care most about.

In little under ten minutes, he'd packed up his small back of personal belongings and was out of the door without so much as a goodbye.

- - - - -

"Alex, how the hell could you do this to that poor boy? In his situation as well!"

Alex saw a familiar look of hatred and disappointment in her mom's eyes.

"Mom, how could you ask me that? He'd meant to be my boyfriend and he's going around getting other girls pregnant!" the juicy tears slipped down her cheeks as she struggled to regain her composure.

"Yeah, and don't you think that under these circumstances, he could do without being made homeless? He's got nothing! Absolutely nothing! You're so selfish sometimes, how could I have raised such a selfish daughter?" Emily hissed scarily. "Go out there and find him and bring him back here, now!"

"No." Alex said insanely bravely. "I don't wanna see him."

"Do as I tell you girl, or else you'll be fucking sorry!" Emily stood up, grabbed Alex roughly by the arm and marched her toward the front door. "Do it!"

Alex left the house angrily, putting her hood up to hide her tear stained face. She didn't go looking for Jay though. She figured she#'d go down to the ravine for about an hour, then go home and act like she couldn't find him. The only thing that would mess that theory up was if she actually found him. She was too angry to think straight, let alone care enough about his welfare that she'd go out of her way to find him.

The ravine was bitterly cold, even though it was nearly April. She quickly looked around for Jay in a half hearted way. She scanned the area and looked for his body in the foliage, to no avail. Maybe that was too sinister. She'd never wish death on him, _ever._ That was never a good idea. Even if his betrayal was killing her inside.

She stopped and sat on a bench. She sat on the rickety table top and was once again reminded of Jay's presence by his tag that he'd carved into the surface. She looked at it once, then looked up. What she saw gave her the fright of her life.

**As I said that was a short one, but please review, let me know your honest opinion and whether you like the direction this is going!**


	16. All I Ever Wanted

**I don't know if this will be any good cuz I'm seriously suffering writers block but I haven't updated in a while and I feel bad so I wanted to get this one out.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen: All I Ever Wanted - Basshunter**

**April 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

Meanwhile...

Jay was an excellent lurker. He had concealed himself within the trees and fronds of the ravine and was watching as an angry Alex sort of peered around a few tree trunks, presumably looking for him. He would step put and announce his presence, but judging by the frosty look on her face, he stayed put for the time being.

He watched her as tugged on the sleeves of her jacket as she crossed her arms tightly to keep the bitterly cold early evening chill out. As he shifted his weight from one leg to another, the crackly leaves and branches crunched and he flinched as Alex's attention was caught for a few moments. She looked in the direction of where he was stood, but her eyes were glazed over and she appeared to look straight passed him. There was a surreal few seconds were their eyes met but they weren't making eye contact, and Jay could feel his heart hammering in his chest so loud he wondered if she could hear it.

Alex was facing diagonally away from him. He watched her as she lightly ran her finger over the random carvings and initials etched into the bench top. It sparked memories of hanging around here with Courtney and Adam and all those guys. It had been a year since he'd really spoken to them. Some friends they were. But he didn't need stuck up tweenies like them anyway. The first time Alex had been introduced to his friends down the ravine... well that had gone horribly wrong. Jay shuddered at that memory, wishing he would have been able to step down from his jerk attitude and actually stood up for her. Acted like a gentleman, not a dickhead. Story of his life. All he ever wanted was to keep Alex safe. Way before there was anything between them. Back when they were kids and Alex used keep her abusive home life a secret, and Jay would pretend not to know, but really long to be able to help her out. When they were young things felt much simpler. They weren't, he realized that now. But when you were that young, you could shelter yourself from it and not let it affect you. There came a point in life though when that became no longer an option. Jay couldn't just stand back on the sidelines and watch as some jerk tore Alex's family apart, and Alex couldn't just stand back and watch as some other girl took Jay's heart and kept it for herself. Something had to be done. Jay turned and ever so carefully crept away., relieved that the quiet grassy area wasn't too far away. He reached the grass and was able to pick up speed, and sneak off undetected.

* * *

He got to a pay phone and chucked in his coins.

"Abortion clinics in Portland, Oregon please." He asked when Information connected. There was only one abortion clinic in Parkrose, Portland, which made things a hell of a lot easier for Jay to track Sunny down. He waited impatiently as he was connected and the phone on the other end rang incessantly for what felt like centuries.

"Seven Acres, Ruth speaking, how can I help you?" A receptionist with a Southern drawl answered the phone eventually.

"Sunny James." Was all Jay managed to stutter out.

"Excuse me?" The Southern receptionist screeched down the phone.

"I need to speak to Sunny James!" Jay shouted impatiently.

"I'm sorry but we can't-"

"Please! She's aborting my baby and I need to get to her before it's too late!" Jay confessed, his voice

"What did you say the name was?" Ruth asked, her tone sounding a mix of reluctance and wanting to help.

"Sunny James!" Jay practically shouted exasperated down the phone.

"How do you spell that?"

"S-U-N-N-Y J-A-M-E-S!" Jay was getting beyond restless now. He felt like he was on a timer and when it reached 00:00 he would explode. "Please, just let me speak to her!"

He heard keyboard letters clattering as long nails tapped in Sunny's name into the computer. The sound was torture in his ears, he felt like they were bleeding.

"I'm sorry, but there's no-one here under that name."

"Try Sunny Matthews?" Jay suggested to no avail.

"I'm sorry but there is no patient under that name I think you are mistaken."

"No!" Jay snarled bitterly. "Check again!"

He heard the familiar clatter of keyboard keys again, but nothing came of it. Jay through the handset down and slammed his fist into the confines of the phone booth. His mind was swarming with crazy thoughts. He was at a loss. One horrible thought kept coming back round persistently on the conveyor belt of his brain: Sunny had lied. When it first cropped up, he shook it away and passed it off as ridiculous. But the more he thought about it the more sickeningly true he realized it could be. There were more points to support that theory than went against it. When he'd had sex with Sunny, he was more than sure they'd used a condom. In fact, when he came to think about it, he _knew _they had. Sunny hadn't seemed emotional at all when she'd phoned him that time to deliver the fateful news. Jay's world had fallen down around him with the repercussions of his actions of that night, but Sunny was acting so casual and laid back she was almost horizontal. It made no sense. Aborting a baby was murder, yet this psychotic girl that had managed to infiltrate her way into his life was acting like it was just throwing away an old shirt, or something equally as painless.

Sure he was a little relieved he didn't have the responsibility of a baby to face up to at such a young age, but he still couldn't get over the fact that a tiny person lost it's life so two selfish teenagers could get on with their lives as normal. Maybe that was why Sunny was so calm... cuz she was a _fucking liar!_

- - - - -

Jay was livid when he'd finalized in his mind what had happened. It had to be true. He rifled through his pockets looking for more quarters to throw in the phone to ring Sunny and get the truth out of her, but once again he'd cleaned himself out and had no money to do anything. He couldn't afford the phone, let alone a bus into the city. He was stuck in Toronto once again. He had no family; they were all dead or imprisoned or living out in the middle of nowhere. His life was a mess; he'd messed it all up and there was nothing he could do about it. With nowhere to go, no home to call his own and no-one in the city that could tide him over til morning, he was facing another night in a doorway. Unless...

* * *

The feeling of fright that was encompassing Alex was multiplying. She wished that it wasn't happening, but it was. She wished that her eyes were deceiving her, but they weren't. Ellie was sat leaned against a tree trunk with her legs curled under her, her left arm stuck out in front of her. Her face was twisted into a helpless, pained expression. Alex shot off the table top and rushed to her side. She sank down to her level and grabbed the top of her arm in horror.

"El, what the hell is this?" Alex eyed gushing cuts on her friends arm. Ellie's face was ivory white pale and her eyes were glazed over and far away. Alex noticed her sway on the spot from the loss of blood. Ellie's icy cold, blood-soaked skin had suffered four deep gashes. They gaped and sticky red liquid seeped profusely.

"I..." Ellie trailed off, leaving her sentence suspended in air.

"Ellie, how could you do this to yourself you stupid ass!" Alex asked in despairing frustration mixed with panic and fright. Her mind was scrambling as she tried to figure out what to do. It was like there was a huge block in her brain separating her actions and her thoughts.

* * *

**There's another chapter! Hope you liked it! It took me bloomin' ages to figure out what it should be that Alex sees at the end of the last chapter, but I finally settled on giving it to Ellie, cos I figured I hadn't mentioned her in a while. Anyhoo, let me know what ya thought, leave a review!**


	17. Last Resort

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

**It was hard coming up with a title for this one, but I finally settled with Last Resort, cuz of the lyric: "cut my life into pieces".**

* * *

**Last Resort – Papa Roach**

**April 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

"She'll be OK. We'll need to keep her in over night though. This is very serious, and its good you got here when you did. She's been hiding this self-mutilation for a while now, and God knows how long it could've continued for if you hadn't have found her."

Alex heard the nurses words, but they were meaningless to her. Was she supposed to be some big superhero now or something? Ellie was lying in her hospital bed, hooked up to the life support machine, the steady beep of her slowly beating heart her only companion. Alex clung to her friends hand. Her skin was cold, as if she were laying there dead. Alex ended up believing her own evil thoughts, even though she knew the beeping meant Ellie was OK. She felt guilty for stressing so much over her troubles with Jay. All this time she was obsessing over something that was ultimately so trivial, when Ellie was sat at home alone slitting her own wrists because she was so unhappy with life. One cut too far, too deep, too close, and she could be gone...

The ride in the ambulance was different. The last two times Alex had been in the back of an ambulance, one of them had been accompanying her mom who was writhing around in sober pain on the stretcher with a dislocated shoulder _and_ elbow. The second time, it was another dislocated shoulder. This time, it was Alex's own left shoulder that had been relocated to another direction.

But this wasn't about her this time. For once. No, it was about was about her friend. Who she'd neglected, and didn't even notice was going through something so horrible. Alex wondered if she could still be considered a friend? Wasn't a friend supposed to be someone who is always there, and someone you can trust, rely on and even depend on? That didn't sound much like Alex's actions of late.

The room was basic. Gray linoleum, off-white walls, harsh fluorescent lights and no warmth or comfort to the place at all. Alex looked around in despair, trying to imagine living with the guilt if Ellie didn't make it.

A knock on the door made Alex jump. She looked toward the porthole to see a familiar face peering through the glass.

"Sean!" Alex exclaimed, her voice coming out a throaty whisper. He opened the door a fraction then opened it wider and stepped in. His eyes were red raw bloodshot.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize before now." Sean said, getting straight to the point. He stayed stood by the door, not inching any closer to his butchered girlfriend.

"It's not your fault." Alex said flatly. She planned on elaborating, but she couldn't find the words.

"I've been a shit boyfriend... I'll never forgive myself if..."

"Sean, don't beat yourself up about this, OK?" Alex's tone was effortlessly stern. "You didn't cause this. None of us knew about this, we all let her do it. We're all to blame."

"That doesn't make it any easier."

"It wasn't supposed to be easy. If life was easy there'd be no point in living."

"You sound so cheerful." Sean muttered sarcastically.

"It must be being in a hospital." Alex quipped.

"Where's Jay?" Sean asked, changing the direction of the conversation completely.

"Urgh..." Alex hadn't thought about him in a while, now he was back at the forefront of her mind.

"Another falling out?" Sean asked as if it were common practice.

Alex battled between the long winded version, and the abridged version. "I don't know where Jay is, and I don't care." She settled with that, and made sure her tone was firm. She pictured Sean going back to Jay at his secret hide out and reporting back, planning yet more schemes and plotting more lies to make her look like a fool.

"Why what's he done that's so bad?" Sean asked, looking genuine enough.

_Oh yeah, like you don't know! _"Nothing. It's a long story."

"He must have done something for you to be acting like-"

"Sean! I'm here for Ellie, not to talk about that loser, OK?" Alex snapped, raising her voice.

Sean looked hurt. "Sorry, I didn't mean to shout. But I just can't think about Jay at the minute, it's... it's complicated, OK? Please just drop it."

"OK..." Sean squeaked in a small voice.

* * *

Jay ambled up to Sean's place rather worse for wear. He'd been on his feet for hours, he had no money. He didn't remember the walk to Sean's being so long. He was grateful when he turned the corner onto Breward Street and saw Sean's place looming ahead of him. He'd only been here twice, and with his absence last year while he was in Oregon, he was unsure of the number.

342, 344, 346, 348.. Tracker's motorbike was parked outside number 348. Jay could see a "Wasaga Beach" sticker emblazoned across the kitchen window. This had to be the place.

He knocked twice, and there was an answer almost immediately. Tracker looked flustered.

"Jay? What are you doing here?" Tracker spoke quickly.

"Looking for Sean." Jay said, looking at Tracker as if he'd just grown another head.

"He's not here, dude." Tracker said as if Jay should know that. "His girlfriend's in the hospital."

Jay's heart began ticking faster. He had to think for a second, Sean's girl? That redhead chick that was friends with Alex. "Ella?"

"Ellie." Tracker corrected him. "I can tell Sean you stopped by when he gets back if you want."

"No, I should go up there, see how they all are." Jay said decisively.

"OK, man. Later." Tracker shut the door in his face, and Jay was more than a little disappointed that Tracker didn't try and dissuade him.

- - - - -

He knew he was wrong to think it'd be OK going up to see Ellie. It was horrendously easy for him to get past the security at the hospital. Ellie was on floor four, room eighteen. Jay meandered aimlessly up stairs, down corridors, round corners. He turned the corner onto the ward and hoped that this end was the small numbers. But no. He could see room eighteen from where he stood. He edged slowly toward the room. There were no sounds, no people chatting, no-one at all, it seemed. He feared the worse... What if this girl died? He didn't know her, but still. No-one deserved that. He was dying to know what happened to her. Then he felt guilty for using the word 'dying' under such circumstances. He stood at the door, not realizing he was holding his breath in. The redheaded girl was lying motionless in the bed, he saw a broken down Alex sat rigidly in the uncomfortable chair, Sean sat across from her looking like a stone statue.

He reached up to knock. His sweaty palm shock uncontrollably as he tapped, barely coherently on the glass. Alex shot up from her seat. Jay could tell he'd scared her. Now he felt worse. She didn't come to the door to let him in though. He wasn't sure if he should wait to be granted access, or to let himself in. Sean stayed sat in his chair, not even looking up. Alex stood by the window, the sunlight drowning her so Jay could hardly see her. He pushed the door and it opened a creak, the noise causing him to shudder, like finger nails down a chalk board.

He stood in the tiny alcove between the door frame and the door. He didn't say a word. No-one did. He kept his eyes on Ellie, lying still as a grave. Her eyes were shut, her lips were pale and her skin was white as a sheet. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Alex. She had turned a few degrees toward him, but still she wouldn't look at him, or talk to him, or even acknowledge his presence. No doubt he deserved it, though. He was the poorest excuse for a boyfriend he'd ever known, and he knew some real wastes of oxygen. Maybe he should go pencil his name onto that list.

The deafening silence in that tiny room was like water seeping in. The higher it rose, the closer to doom they got. Jay had to say something, for fear of going insane. "Is she OK?"

Sean winced at the sound of Jay's voice, and Jay saw Alex tense up, but no-one answered him. He was smart enough not to repeat himself though.

Sean eyed Jay discretely and sent him a sympathetic look. Jay wondered how much Alex had told him. What did he know. Was that look saying "good luck getting Alex back", or "God, you don't deserve to walk the planet" or...

"Why are you here?" Alex's poignant voice broke the silence and interrupted his thoughts. The sound of her voice was almost alien to him, he felt like he hadn't heard her in so long, when in reality had only been a matter of hours.

"I, I uh went to see Tracker. I was gonna ask Sean if I could crash, but he told me you were here, then he told me about Red-" Jay was ashamed to say he was unsure of her name, was it Ellie, Ella, Ellis...? "- and I needed to come up here and see for myself."

"Like you care." Alex shot back her voice dripping in venom.

"I do care." Jay fought back weakly.

"You don't care about anyone or anything but yourself, Jay." Alex muttered, her gaze missing him by miles.

Sean was astounded by Alex's devilish tone. It was bordering on vicious.

"Alex, I'm sorry for what happened to your friend." Jay declined to mention that he _still _didn't actually know why Red was in the hospital. "And I'm sorry for what you heard before. But I don't wanna go on about it here."

"Did you ever think I don't wanna talk about it? Ever?"

"Don't make a scene, Lexi."

"It's Alex, by the way." She said sharply.

"What have I interrupted?" A weak voice spoke up, different from the two that had just been involved in the heated debate.

* * *

**P/S- As time went on, I started liking writing this chapter more and more. Writer's block just seemed to melt away, Thank Lucifer!**

**Anyways, enough of my kooky randomosity, please review folks, I need feedback! I wanna know what you guys think! So please review, please!!**


	18. Apologize

**In case there's any confusion, "- - - - - " signifies a change in scene but it's still linked to the previous one, whereas a line break means a whole different new scene.**

**I don't know if hospitals in the US/Canada have smoking decks, or even more so if they have multiple smoking decks, but in my hospital they do, k? :D**

**I don't know if anyone will get the obscure Run DMC reference near the end that Jay says, but the exact phrase he uses is something I say myself in real life on a regular basis, so I felt like throwing it in there! :D**

**On a serious note... Cutting is a really sensitive subject, I know that guys. I have some experience of it, but I tried my best to portray this realistically, so I hope it's OK. Please guys, review the chapter, I love to know what people think.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

* * *

**Apologize – OneRepublic ft. Timberland**

**April 2002  
Alex: 13  
Jay: 15**

_This was the only pain she could actually control. She had no control over her dad's wellbeing in Afghanistan. She couldn't control the amount of vodka and gin that her mom consumed on a nightly basis. She couldn't stop the narrow minded jerks from hurling abuse at her because of her individuality. But this kind of pain, she could control this. When she first started doing it, it was hard. It was difficult to get a good enough grip of the blade in her sweaty, trembling hand. It was difficult to cut the skin and draw blood, because she was a novice. She fully expected to get caught, and then never do it again. But almost six months later, she was still doing it. Sure, now she'd been found out and she'd have to stop. Maybe she didn't want to. She wasn't entirely sure if she wanted to get found out and have to stop, or if she wanted to keep it her "dirty little secret" so to speak, that she could escape to when this life became too much. She remembered vaguely sitting slumped in the ravine, her head was light and airy like a cloud. Her arm felt heavy as the loss of blood began to make her dopey. She was sure she could hear Alex's voice. And soon, a guy's voice. It wasn't her Sean though. Alex was arguing quite aggressively with this boy, whoever he was. Her surroundings were different from a moment ago. She wasn't outdoors at the ravine anymore. She was lying under hot fluorescent yellow lights, a consistent beeping in the background keeping her from going insane. She cracked open her eyes, and took a moment to adapt to the harsh light. Finally, familiar people! Not the devils and minors from her nightmares. Alex and Jay! That's why she could hear their voices. She wasn't going mad after all. She wasn't dead, either..._

Sean was the first person to race to Ellie's bedside, followed by Alex. Jay hung around behind the action, not wanting to interfere. It was obvious he wasn't wanted here, so he used the drama distraction to sneak out undetected.

"Ellie! El, oh my God, don't ever do that again!" Sean grabbed her hand. She smiled weakly up and allowed him to clutch her hand.

"Alex, how long..." She didn't conclude.

"Like six hours. Jesus, Ellie, you scared the shit out of us!" Alex said fiercely, but that was just a mask, hiding her pain. Alex was too used to seeing the people she cared about lying inches from death in a hospital bed, but each time it never got any easier.

"Sorry." Ellie's eyes were shut, and her free hand was clamped to her head, her visible facial features twisted into a pained expression.

"Don't be. I'm sorry." Alex muttered. It didn't sound forced. Jay, who was stood outside the door listening to the proceedings was shocked to hear Alex apologizing, and sounding so sincere with it.

"I thought I was gonna lose ya, El." Sean whispered hoarsely. Alex heard every word though.

"You won't get rid of her that easily." Alex quipped, smirking so that Ellie would know she wasn't serious. Sean looked up at her and Alex was shocked to see he had tears in his eyes.

- - - - -

Jay paced up and down the hall, feeling way too restless and antsy to sit down. He didn't like being ignored, and that was exactly what Alex had done as soon as Ellie had woken up. But that was just him being selfish, he knew that. But that didn't stop the feelings, no matter how bad he felt. A few times, he thought he could sense Alex stood behind him, but every time he spun around, there was no-one there.

- - - - -

It didn't take Sean long to start smothering Ellie in kisses. Alex took a step back at that point and flashed a look through the glass portal in the door to see if Jay was still out there, but from her vantage point, she couldn't see him. She wondered if he'd gone or stayed.

"Sean, oh my God, quit it!" Ellie shrieked, howling with laughter.

"I just got you back, I don't wanna ever lose you!" Sean said, all syrupy and romantically.

"Yeah, exactly, she just woke up, give her a second to breathe." Alex spoke up maliciously.

There was an awkward few seconds while her biting words were processed, then Sean turned around and shot her a bitter glare.

She sighed reluctantly, knowing what she'd just said was wrong. "Sorry, I didn't mean that."

Alex needed to get out of there. Their sickeningly sweet loveydovey shit was too much for her. She was too mad at Jay to appreciate two people in love. She wanted to wring his neck 98 of the time, but when it came down to it, she was a little upset that he wasn't here with her right now. "I'm gonna go to... the vendor." Alex made up an excuse to leave, but neither Sean nor Ellie really acknowledged her departure.

She didn't go to the vendors. For one thing, she had no money. She stalked around the hospital, not admitting to herself she was looking for Jay. He had to be here somewhere, she doubted he'd walk all the way here just to turn around and go straight back home again. Ha, home. He didn't have a home. She stood on the fourth floor smoking deck, and fished her last cigarette out of the pack and lit it solemnly. The taste of cigarettes reminded her of Jay. When he caught her off guard with a kiss she could taste it, but strangely it didn't repulse her. It was more comforting than anything else.

Jay stood on the third floor smoking deck, breathing in the killer smoky air wishing he hadn't smoked his last cigarette on the way to Sean's house. He looked out over the edge and thought about jumping. He never considered suicide for a moment, never had, but he did think about Sean's girlfriend lying in the hospital. Jumping from buildings was a way that people killed themselves, right? Like that Ella girl, or whatever the hell her name was. She tried to kill herself by butchering up her arm. How the hell could someone do something like that to themselves? He sighed loudly and headed back inside.

- - - - -

Alex was only back at the room ten minutes before a hospital porter came around to tell her and Sean visiting hours were up. After about ten minutes of waiting, Alex finally managed to pry Sean away from Ellie.

They stepped outside the room, initially unaware that a familiar figure was watching them. Jay waited with baited breath as his friend and his... his Alex walked past him.

Alex noticed Jay out of the corner of her eye. He was stood in the shadows, she barely noticed him.

Jay clung to his last hope that Alex would come back to him. He needed to prove to her he'd changed and he was worth getting a second chance, but he couldn't do that unless she was willing to take him back.

"If she's hangs back, then you're still tight." Jay said to himself as Alex and Sean walked slowly away from him.

Jay was about to give up all hope when he noticed Alex slow down. She touched Sean's arm and he turned as she muttered something to him. Sean nodded and carried on walking. Alex slowly approached him, looking uncomfortable.

She stood before him, wanting him to speak first. They stood in awkward silence for what seemed like light years, before Alex unwillingly spoke first. "Have you lost your voice?"

"No. I just don't know what to say."

"That's gotta be a first. Jay Hogart, speechless."

"Yeah, maybe it is."

"I suppose I need to apologize."

"You shouldn't suppose anything. You should know what you did and know how to make up for it."

"I know that I miss you."

"Do you?" Alex asked skeptically.

"Yes!" Jay exclaimed restlessly.

"Prove it." Alex issued him.

Jay did the only thing he knew, he leaned forward and kissed her. She let his tongue into her mouth and she didn't push him away. He couldn't deny that he missed this.

"How was that?" He asked, when he realized he'd been lost in this kiss for longer than he could count. Alex wanted to be mad at him for looking so smug, but those enchanting blue eyes were hypnotizing.

"I guess... it was good."

"You guess?!" Jay gasped in mock devastation. Alex could only smile.

"But..." Alex started to say.

"But? What but?"

"Jay, I'm not eleven anymore. You can't go around acting like you know everything and I'm just some sad little loser who doesn't get it." Alex jibed cuttingly.

"I don't think that!" Jay scoffed, touching her shoulder lightly.

Alex moved away from his touch and looked at him skeptically. "Well, I think you do."

"I miss us, Lex. We made a mean team." Jay smiled, quoting Run DMC lyrics.

"Don't throw 80's rap in my face and call it an apology!" Alex shouted, but she smiled slightly as she spoke. She just couldn't keep the grin from her face, even though she bit the inside of her cheek to try in vain to keep a straight face.

"Lexi, what happened, or nearly happened, with Ella-"

"It's _Ellie_, Jay!" Alex cried out in desperation. How many times did he need to be told?

"OK! Sorry. It's made me realize life's too short to fuck around, messing things up, being an idiot and..."

"Jay is this your twisted way of apologizing?" Alex interrupted, the look on her face unreadable.

"Yeah..." Jay said sheepishly. Jay, who was looking at the floor up until this point, looked up at Alex, who's death stare was actually melting away by the second. It was like a miracle!

"Well, you do this to me again and I swear I'll rip your-"

"OK! Cool!" Jay winced. "That'll do, I get it!"

"Good!" Alex let Jay pull her into a bear hug. He held his breath, wondered whether he should risk it, then thought fuck it! He kissed her again. And she kissed him back. Again.

* * *

**Please review with your utmost genuine, honest opinions. I can handle it! Thanks guys!**


	19. Save Me From Myself

**The time line has moved on. This is the summer before grade eight for Alex and Ellie, and the summer before grade nine for Jay and Sean.**

* * *

**Save Me From Myself**

**August 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

Ellie was discharged after three days, and she was back at home living with her mom. Sean was warming toward Jay and they actually hit it off quite well. Soon, Ellie and Alex and Sean and Jay became a double act.

Jay found Ellie a difficult character to read. She tried to kill herself just four months ago, yet she was the one who was turning his life around for him and actually saving him from becoming a welfare-dependent bum. Things had moved along a lot in three months. When school started back in September, Jay was going back to grade nine at Degrassi, to try again with his education. He'd also got his own place. His remaining money that Sunny hadn't got from him was paying his first and last month rent, and he had a job at a garage in town that payed enough for Jay not to feel stranded.

Jay sat on the left side of the couch, diagonally, with his legs crossed over and his feet resting on the coffee table, so carefree. Alex was sat on the right side, with her legs draped over Jay's, her shorter legs meant her feet didn't reach the coffee table, so they were just suspended in air. Jay had the remote control in his hand, but he didn't change the channel, even though Alex could see his eyes drooping. It was like deja-vu.

"Jay, don't fall asleep." Alex's words plunged into the air, causing Jay's head to jerk up and his eyes to dart around in temporary sleepy confusion.

"I'm not asleep." Jay lied, yawning loudly. "Just resting my eyes."

"OK." Alex just smiled, her sarcastic tone not as harsh as usual. "You did insist of having everyone round on a work night."

"Don't worry. Oh, look, everyone'll be here soon." Jay announced, lifting Alex's legs up so he could spring up off the couch.

* * *

"Hey, Jay man, ready to Christen the new place?"

Ellie and Sean arrived, hand in hand, with a four pack of beers in their free hands. Matched with the sixteen cans and liter bottle of Vodka Jay had supplied, the party was good to go.

"You bet, man!" Sean dropped Ellie's hand and greeted Jay in that butch, manly way that 'brothers' do.

Ellie gravitated toward her best friend, who sighed at the two guys. "Well this is gonna be fun." Ellie commented dryly.

Jay's new place was small and boxy, with gray walls and wooden floors. They sat on wooden crates – there was one chair which Jay had claimed as his throne before anyone else got a look in. The main centerpiece was the huge sound system in the middle of the back wall.

Sean flicked the lights and turned on the stereo and

Ellie heard a knock at the door. No-one else noticed it, so she edged toward the door and awkwardly answered it.

Stood before her was a tall black guy wearing a blue basketball jersey over a white tee and baggy jeans, a shorter big chested brunette girl and a few other indistinguishable ones. "Uh, hi?" Ellie greeted the tallest guy and he stepped past her, like the rest of them, without so much as a nod.

"Yo, Towerz, Amy! How you doin', man?" Jay greeted this Towerz character in the same manly way he did Sean. Ellie and Alex had no idea who Towerz was, but it was clear to Ellie that Alex knew who Amy was.

Amy ran up to Alex and hugged her, and Alex hugged her back, although the look on her face was less than amused.

Ellie stood by the pounding speakers, all alone, the thoughts wandering around in her head were asking her what the hell she was doing here.

- - - - -

Plenty of beers later, teetotal Alex noticed the guys were verging on out of control. Since Towerz, Amy and the rest of the nobodies arrived, more and more people turned up at the door with even more alcohol. Alex was nervously hovering around all night, but Jay was having a wail of a time without her, obviously.

"Al, aren't you drinking?" Tipsy Ellie slurred. She'd never been addressed as 'Al' by anyone. The plastic red party cup that Ellie was clutching sloshed vodka and orange over the rim and onto the wooden floor.

"No." Alex replied firmly. She took the cup out of Ellie's unsteady hand. "Don't you think you've had enough, Ellie? You've not long got out of the hospital."

Ellie wanted to argue that it had been nearly four months, but instead she just opened her mouth and said, "OK. I'll stop."

Alex looked at her in doubt, but she still took this opportunity to open the nearby window and pour out the yellow drink.

"Hey, Lex, I'll be back in ten minutes, OK?" Jay breezed by, quickly checking in the ducking out just as quickly.

"Where are you going?" Alex called over the music but he was gone into the night and didn't look back.

- - - - -

Jay, Amy and Towerz ran down the stairs to the ground floor of Jay's apartment block, eager to get outside. Jay jabbed at the security pad, entering the wrong code three times, finally getting it right on the fourth try. At least it didn't have a limit on the amount of go's you got.

When the trio finally got outside, they wasted no time in lighting up. Towerz took a long, savoring hit, then a smaller, snappier one and held it out for Jay. He took hold of it and took a deep toke, taking advantage of the smoke billowing around in his lungs.

They all took two tokes then passed it to the next one in the circle.

- - - - -

Ellie saw Jay, Towerz and Amy sneak out, and she had a feeling she knew what they were up to, but there was something that stopped her telling Alex. After Alex had taken her drink from her, Ellie was on the look out for a moment when Alex's attention was divided and she could grab another drink. She didn't care what; a simple beer in a can would be easier to quickly grab, but her preferred vodka and orange sounded much more tempting. But alas, pouring the Vodka and rooting around for the orange was going to take time, and it was more likely Alex would notice her and give her another lecture.

She edged slowly toward the kitchen area and looked around breezily, trying to look nonchalant. She couldn't see Alex, well she was pretty sure she couldn't. She scanned the multiplying crowd of party goers. It had started out small, and then ballooned from then on in. Two people arrived, then another two, then two more turned up who had heard about it from the first two people, and so on. She stood in the kitchen, trying to blend into the darkness. She discretely and also quite drunkenly reached out for the Vodka and shakily poured it half way up the cup. She took a big sip in relief then crept around to the other side where she spied a bottle of orange. Her hand shook violently as she unscrewed the bottle top, but she didn't notice. As she lifted the bottle to pour, a big pair of arms wrapping around her waist from behind her made her jump. The orange liquid spouted out of the bottle and all over the kitchen unit.

"Oh, my God!"

"Guess who!" Sean shouted in her ear over the music.

"Sean!" Ellie exclaimed in her tipsiness. She spun around and wrapped her arms around his neck and began kissing him passionately.

- - - - -

Alex watched from the corner and was thankful to Sean for going over there and distracting Ellie from the drink like she had asked him.

* * *

**I thought the characters deserved a little bit of fun, so I made this chapter. Hope you liked it. Please review!**


	20. The Afterlife Of The Party

**There's a disgusting amount of cursing in this chapter. I'm sorry.**

**Thanks to the awesome degrassijayandalex who has reviewed every chapter, given me loads of support and inspiration and helped me to write when writers block was threatening to take over, and finally for giving me a mention in her profile, I feel very honored that this story is so well liked. Also, I can't finish my thanks til I've thanked:**

**ShatteredTruth  
****Stranger Danger  
****Lobel's girl  
****MaDShiPPA  
****toughlovegirl  
****GREENGYPSY  
****Brandy2008  
****CJ (anon review)**

**Thank you all! Please people review this, I need to know that people like it and its worth me carrying on, cuz reviews and views are dwindling at the minute and its very worrying! So, please pretty please with cherries on, please review! It means so much to me! I wanna know what you think! Anonymous reviews are welcome but I do like to respond to them so people know that I have acknowledged them. Anyway, enough page wasting. **

**- - - - -**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

**The Afterlife Of The Party – Fall Out Boy**

**August 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

Melissa knew there was a time difference in Oregon to Toronto, but this was taking it too far. She had been ringing every twenty minutes for the past three hours. She busied herself with housework, and cooking dinner and trying to watch a little TV, but she needed this phone call to connect. She tried again as soon as she'd finished dinner.

"Mel, leave the boy be and try him tomorrow." Cory suggested as she got the answering machine, again.

"Those flights won't stay around forever. I need to know, Cory."

"I'm sure they'll still be there in the morning, Melissa. You can get up early and call if you want. The time difference means its more likely he'll be there."

"Why isn't he answering though?" Melissa asked Cory as if he knew.

"I don't know. Maybe he's out. He's a fifteen year old boy, he'll be out and about, won't he?." Cory was going to throw in the old 'I was his age once, I should know' spiel but he decided against it, fearing it would be too cliché.

"Well, can I try once more, at least?" Melissa asked, but she was already dialing.

"Man, we should be getting back up there, dude." Jay said leaning against the brick wall.

"Yeah dude. Totally." Towers drawled, taking a final hit, before flicking the stub to the concrete.

Amy kept quiet, but Jay looked at her quickly and unexpectedly and she looked like she was stifling a laugh. Fucking pothead.

They stumbled up the concrete steps, erupting into laughter periodically. "You know, if there was a ramp here, it'd make things a hell of a lot easier." Jay rambled nonsensically.

The three of them burst through the door, met by Alex's scowling face.

"Woah, good luck with that Jay." Towerz turned sharply to the left and Amy slipped off to the right.

"Where have you been?" Alex stood close to her boyfriend and shouted in his face over the loud beat of the music.

"Downstairs." Jay looked ridiculously innocent. He used his index fingers to point down to the ground, as if Alex couldn't understand him without a performance.

"With her?" Alex asked, throwing her head in Amy's direction.

"No." Jay said sheepishly, also stoned.

"Jay, I just saw you walk through the door with her!"

"Yeah but Towerz was there too."

"Not helping Jay. What we're you guys doing?"

"Nothing!" Jay exclaimed melodramatically.

"Jay, I can tell from the way you're acting. You're fuck-faced, aren't you?" Alex grabbed his face and made him look at her. His eyes wandered and he laughed nervously as he escaped her grip.

"No! It's only a bit... you know how it is Alex."

"Yeah, I do know how it is. I know how you are. A little bitch." Jay laughed even more at this.

Alex threw her hands in the air in exasperation. She couldn't deal with jay when he was like this. It wasn't that she was angry with him, it was just impossible to get through to him, so she left it.

"Whatever, Jay, this is you're mess and I'm not gonna clean it up. I'll see you in the morning, OK?"

* * *

As Alex was leaving, she realized it was 1am. Jay's new place was more than a mile walk away from the trailer park. When she was walking over, she had Jay with her to keep her safe, and it was six o' clock in the evening. But now it was getting nearer and nearer to 1.30am and it was cold, dark and there were many, many drunk people falling around inside and outside of the seedy club Jay's apartment block was next to. She walked robotically down the corridor and turned to descend the stairs. She held her breath against the sickening smell of dirt, alcohol and damp. She examined the banister, but the lumps of gum and spit and whatnot put her off somehow. She got to the end of the first flight of stairs, and wondered what the hell she thought she was doing. Who she was kidding. She was thirteen fucking years old, not twenty-one. She couldn't take the walk back home on her own. It was rough out there, she could defend herself against people her own age, maybe a bit older, but not these drunken louts that were hanging around a few feet below her.

She looked behind her the whole time, hoping that Jay would pop up and be her knight in shining armor. The stairwell was empty. And silent. Her Adidas sneakers didn't even squeak on the tiles, they were so old and hopeless.

Another flight of steps took her to the ground floor. The door was locked by electronic devices, and she didn't know the combination to get in and out. That was how much of a dump this place was; you had to have a code to escape or seek refuge.

It must have been a sign. She couldn't get out, meaning she shouldn't walk home alone. But Jay was a jerk. The music at the party was beginning to fade, and she could hear loud voices chatting intoxicatedly.

She sat down on the uncomfortable concrete step, the second the last one to be precise, and waited. She flicked the beaded bracelet around her wrist. That reminded her of Ellie. She guessed she'd snuck away undetected with Sean. All her efforts to try and save her from herself had obviously fallen on deaf ears. She didn't get why she seemed to be the only young person that actually realized that doing all this stupid stuff to yourself, like drinking, drugs and cutting especially, was bad and would lead to much bigger things in the future. She'd learned all about that from the long line of losers that her mom had once called 'the one'.

This got her to thinking about her future with Jay. She wondered if she'd still be with him when she was an adult. When she was eighteen? Twenty-one? Thirty? Maybe that was pushing it a bit. Maybe she should be asking herself if she'd still be with Jay at the end of the week. Her birthday was coming up soon too. She wondered if he'd even remember. Thirteen years of friendship, almost two years of tension, and a rocky relationship of about six months, would be put to the test.

A handful of the people who had been at Jay's party came rattling down the stairs and toppled out of the door, obviously knowing the code. Alex knew that this was her opportunity to get out, just grab the door and dip out before it had a chance to lock itself again. But she stayed sat where she was and watched it clink as it banged shut, shaking slightly on its old rusty hinges.

She sat there numbly for what felt like years, but only half an hour had passed. She heaved herself tiredly off the step and stood up, shifting her weight from left foot to right foot.

_Fuck it, swallow you're fucking pride and do it!_

She turned and ran up the steps, taking them two at a time. Soon she found herself stood outside Jay's door again. It was open, and the music filtering out was gone. She pushed it open gingerly and it creaked ominously.

"Jay?" She called out awkwardly. She stepped inside and was greeted by the overpowering yet familiar smell of cigarette smoke, alcohol and cheese puffs coated in melted cheese (the poor man's nachos).

She found Jay slumped on the floor with a beer in his hand, tipping it dangerously close to the left, a spillage was imminent.

"Jay, why are you on the floor, the couch is right there." Alex commented as she found him looking oh so disastrous.

"The floor was nearer." He slurred as she took the can from his hand and sat it down out of his reach.

"Hey, what're you doin'?" He exclaimed as he realized she'd taken his drink.

"Jay, I'm not stupid. I know what you were doing with Amy and Towerz."

"Towerz? Oh..." Jay looked dumbfounded. Drunkenly dumbfounded.

"Look, just sit on the sofa, k?" She grabbed his hand and pulled him up, using all her strength. He wasn't co-operating properly in his drunken state, so that made moving him all the more difficult.

She finally managed to push him in the direction of the couch and he sank down into it, looking very content.

* * *

"Lex!" Jay exclaimed in sleepy dis-alertness as he jolted from his sleep. "How come, why, what the fuck?"

Alex laughed loudly. "Hello, nice to see you too."

"How come you're here?" He asked in confusion.

Alex laughed again. "Oh, thanks a lot. I had to crash here cuz I couldn't get home."

"What the hell happened last night?" Jay sat up straight.

"You look like shit." Alex offered.

"Thanks, I feel it. But that doesn't answer my question."

"Well, don't go feeling sorry for yourself, Jason!" Alex said his name patronizingly, and prodded him in the temple, just to be irritating. "You were the one who decided to party on a work night!"

"Wait what day is it today?"

"Friday." Alex answered gleefully.

"Oh my God, no!" Jay whined hopelessly. He put his hands to his face like a little drama queen.

"You do insist on doing these things to yourself."

"You know you're way too cocky and smart for a thirteen year old, Nuñez." Jay commented dryly.

"Yeah, and I know, and thats why you like me." Alex stated.

Jay gave her a sideways glance and just scoffed with a reassuring smile on his face.

"Oh, you're cell's being going all morning."

"Really? Who was it?" Jay grabbed his phone off the coffee table and flipped it open. "That's my Aunt Melissa. I don't even have freaking money on this phone. I can't call her back."

"I'm sure that if you leave it a few seconds she'll ring you." Alex pointed out. The 26 missed calls from Melissa obviously didn't register with Jay in his early morning state of craziness.

Sure enough, he placed the cell back down and as soon as he did the loud buzz of the vibration against the wood meant she was trying to get through, again.

"Hey, Aunt Mel!" Jay tried to sound cheery and bright eyed, but Alex just laughed at him. He swatted her with the pillow as he tried to listen to what Melissa was saying.

Alex jumped out of the way and walked over to the window to have a cigarette. She listened to Jay nosily in the background as he spoke. He was such a nerd on the phone, putting on his 'proper' voice and everything, all polite and dignified. No curse words either, or mentions of his unholy antics of the previous night.

"Yeah, no that'd be good... Yeah, no that sounds cool... Yeah I'm sure she'd love to come."

Alex spun around at the mention of her 'name'. At the reference of her name, at least.

"What the hell have you put me up for?" She muttered to herself in Jay's direction. He continued to make small talk, for a painstakingly long time, before he finally hung up and Alex could find out what the fuck was going on.

* * *

**What did ya think of that? Please review guys, I'm getting seriously concerned here!**

* * *


	21. Never Let Me Down

**I wanna say a enormous big thank you to the reviews for the last chapter, I was smiling so wide when I read them, I am very grateful! Thanks again everyone, and do the same for this chapter! You guys rawk! **

**Wow, this chapter has over 3000 words! Wow!! :P It also has quite a lot of Sean, which is weird, cuz I dont really like him. But I'm quite proud of this, please review!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. :D**

**I hope this makes sense!**

* * *

**Never Let Me Down - Kanye West ft. Jay-Z and J.Ivy**

**August 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

"How do you feel about going to see my aunt and Cory in Portland?" Jay asked in a murmur, seeming reluctant.

He looked at Alex's monotonous expression and predicted a battle, then a fight, then another battle, topped off with some very vulgar words and gestures. "Is that where... she lives?"

She being Sunny. "Yeah..." Jay admitted. He was unable to keep eye contact at the mention of that bitch's name.

Alex pondered this for a moment, and her face looked thoughtful and plotting. "Sounds awesome!"

"Awesome? Not quite the word I'd use." Jay was a little confused.

"No, I'd love to go and see your aunt and uncle."

"He's not my uncle." Jay cut in quickly.

"Whatever. It'll be fun."

"What about Sunny, though?"

"What about her, I don't care about her."

"Why did you just bring her up in conversation then?"

"Because I was just asking."

_Ha! That was unconvincing._

* * *

"Wow, when you said 'do you wanna go to Portland' I didn't think you meant quite so soon." Alex mused as they traipsed through the airport toward the special arrangements desk the very next morning.

"Yeah, neither did I until I'd agreed. Anyway, you snooze you lose, right?" Jay reasoned.

"I guess, yeah." Alex agreed with her mouth wide open to a huge yawn. Jay looked around at people staring at the 'vision of loveliness' and gently prodded his ladylike girlfriend in the ribs.

"Lex, stop it you look like an idiot."

"I look like an idiot? You're the one with the hat on at a 45 degree angle."

"I told you, my hair sticks up on that side and this is all I can do to cover it." Jay hissed as they came to a stop at the end of a three person queue.

* * *

"Oh my God, how long does it take to board a plane? It's not even that big for God's sake!" Alex moaned loudly. They'd been sat in departures since 5.30am, and then they'd proceeded to stand in the boarding queue of their flight to Portland, Oregon for a further hour and ten minutes. Jay shifted his weight from one foot to the other and knew that by the time he got on this plane, he was gonna need a tranquillizer of some description for Alex. Or himself. Either way was fine.

* * *

As they found their seats, 18B and 18C, Jay and Alex found they were surrounded by the people of God's waiting room. There wasn't a person in the next five rows back of forward under the age of about 80.

"Oh, great." Alex muttered under her breath.

"Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing." Jay said to himself. Alex didn't cotton on to what exactly he meant, and he was glad. They sat down and Alex was unusually quiet. She thumbed through the in-flight magazine, browsed the duty free collection, then studied the emergency leaflet for a good te minutes. Perhaps she was planning Jay's demise. The relieving golden silence wasn't to last long. Jay knew that it was too good to be true.

"Seriously, Jay!" Alex exclaimed with a cunning grin on her face. "It'll be awesome, please let me do it!"

"I dunno... it's awkward." He said reluctantly. "I don't think I'd like you and Sunny in the same room together." They hadn't eve taken off yet, and it had began.

"No! No, it's not weird! It's awesome!" Alex insisted, her eyes glinting like an eagle with its eye on its innocent prey. The stuffy so-called 'air' inside the plane was beginning to suffocate him slowly but surely. Alex was insistent that she and Jay get revenge on Sunny for all she'd done, but Jay wasn't so sure. She wanted to humiliate her, while Jay just wanted to forget about it.

"I don't wanna think about it. Ask me later. And stop saying awesome, jeez." Jay said, turning to his left away from Alex and shutting his eyes.

Alex was quiet for a few seconds, before she started drumming loudly on her fold away table.

"Jesus, will you cut it out!" Jay turned and batted her hand away in aggravation. Alex through her hands up in the air and then stuck her middle finger up at Jay.

An old woman sat a few seats across looked horrified at Alex's gesture, but she didn't give a damn.

* * *

"This airport is like second home to me." Jay commented dryly as they passed through customs and were free to step outside into Portland. "I can't believe I used to come all this way without you." He added, slipping his arm around Alex.

"I used to hate you for doing that." Alex revealed, shooting him a look that said 'you piss me off but there's just something about you.'

Jay totally understood the look, so he gave her a quick peck on the lips to be on the safe side. He was surprised that she didn't fight him off.

"How far is it to Mel and Cory's?"

"Like a 20 minute walk." Jay said casually.

Alex looked at him dubiously. They both carried big backpacks, that felt like they were getting heavier by the second. "Walk?"

"Yeah." Jay smiled with a confused look on his face. "What, you think I have money for cabs? I don't."

"Fine..." Alex agreed reluctantly.

- - - - -

The walk was long, but being totally engrossed in conversation helped the time to pass. Melissa and Cory's place was huge. Alex had only ever lived in the trailer, and everyone she knew either lived there too or in pretty similar crappy digs, so coming to this house was like visiting the Queen at Buckingham Palace.

Besides his mom and jerk of a dad, Alex had never met any of Jay's relatives.

"Aunt Mel, Cory, this is Alex. My girlfriend." Jay introduced her as his girlfriend and Alex's stomach did a giddy flip. She couldn't hide the smile on her face.

"Hello Alex, I vaguely remember you from before." Melissa was friendly enough. She hadn't seen her since Karen's funeral, and even then it had only been a passing visit.

Alex heeded her mom's words and made sure she thanked them for paying for her plane ticket.

- - - - -

"I'm not sure how the sleeping arrangement works." Cory said quietly to Jay as Alex and Melissa watched TV. The guys stood in the kitchen drinking a beer. "Do you guys... you know?"

"Uh, well..."

"We got single beds and double beds. You're old enough to make the right choice, I guess."

"Uh, I'll talk to her." Jay said embarrassed. "Uh, last time I was here, do you remember Sunny?"

"Oh, the pretty girl from the school?" Cory remembered. Jay was just glad they'd moved the conversation away from he and Alex's 'sleeping arrangements'.

"Yeah. Seen her around recently?"

"I'm sorry man." Cory shook his head, looking like he wanted to know why Jay was looking for the next girl when his own 'girlfriend' was sat just in the next room.

"OK. Forget I said anything."

- - - - -

Alex and Melissa were getting on like a house on fire. Just the very next day they went out shopping together at 10am, before Jay was even up (from his own single bed in the small bedroom). Jay emerged from his bedroom at just before midday, stumbled downstairs, almost loosing his balance on the last step, to find a note from Melissa.

_'Gone shopping with Alex. Cory's working til 9. Be back around 3pm.' _

"Five hours for shopping? Fuck..." Jay commented to himself. He sat on the counter top eating a huge overloaded bowl of Lucky Charms. His aunt knew him too well.

He was kinda bummed that he hadn't had a chance to talk to Alex since they arrived. She was planning a horrendously embarrassing (for him) plan of revenge against Sunny, and Jay was far than pleased about it, and definitely not looking forward to it like Alex was.

After his sugary high from his cereal kicked in, he got in and out of the shower in record time, threw on some clothes and made his way into town. He wouldn't actually admit it to himself, but he was on the look out for Sunny. He wasn't up for this public revenge plan at all. He just wanted to see Sunny, talk to her and try and force some shadow of truth out of her. He traipsed solely round town, recognizing no-one. What were the odds that he'd actually run into Sunny, seriously? Why was he trying to fool himself?

Turns out, he didn't see Sunny when he was out. He returned home famished to hell at about four. Alex was sat outside on the porch, and he heard the roar of the vacuum going inside.

"You been relegated to the porch while she cleans?" He laughed as he watched her sat on the wooden chair drumming her fingers rhythmically, looking very bored.

Her face lit up when she saw Jay jogging up the steps casually. She jumped up and hugged him.

Jay had to admit he was a bit taken aback. She hadn't shown this much affection for him in a long while. He wrapped his arms around his tiny girlfriend. She rested her head on his chest and he placed a small kiss on top of her head. They rocked slowly from left to right, only moving in each direction ever so slightly, keeping their feet rooted to the ground. Alex listened to the drumming of his heart. It's consistency was comforting.

- - - - -

After dinner, Jay and Alex hung out together in his room. His cell was lying on the bed just next to him and Alex kept eying it

Alex sat with an odd grin on her face as Jay spoke to Sunny on the phone.

"Sunny, yeah it's Jay... Yeah hi... I'm back in Oregon... No I'm on my own... Sure, sounds good... Yeah OK, we'll talk more then... Cool, see ya... Bye."

As Jay hung up the phone, Alex was gagging to know what was said.

"Thursday, one o' clock, at the Rec Center." Jay said simply.

"Awesome!" Alex clapped her hands together, her eyes glinting with glee.

Jay sighed reluctantly and opened his mouth to protest, but he knew his objections would just fall on deaf ears.

* * *

Wednesday dragged on and on for both Jay and Alex. Jay woke up early and got up way before anyone else. It was a killer not having a clock in the room, but he checked the time on the oven, and it wasn't even 8 am.

He sat on the porch, disappointed it was July but chilly. He inhaled the smoke from his cigarette as he took a dizzying long drag. The smoke danced around in his lungs, causing a little bit more irreparable damage.

- - - - -

Alex lay in her bed, in a state of half sleep, half awareness. _"Get you're fucking ass out here now, before I kick it from here to Mexico!"_

"_No! I'm sorry, please don't! No!" Twisted, blood curdling screams wrangled out, making her shudder. _Her eyes shot open, blood soared through her body at high speeds. She looked around. Dark, dingy, mildew infested. Nope, her surroundings weren't like that one bit. Serene, lemon yellow walls, the smell of flowers lingering in the air. She remembered; she was in Portland with Jay. Today was the day she got to meet Sunny and – no, that was tomorrow. Damn...

She crept out of bed, knowing it was still early from the orangey-yellow early morning light beaming in through her window. She took about five minutes opening the door, opening it a millimeter at a time, wincing at every creak. Finally, when she'd cracked open enough room for her skeletal frame to fit through, she padded barefoot across the landing and descended the stairs angelically silently. She found Jay stood on the porch, the door open a fraction, causing the cool air to glide gracefully in, resulting in a feint whistling from the breeze. This porch had become their new hangout, it seemed. He heard her behind him, the creak of the floorboards the dead cert giveaway. He stayed stood where he was, but turned his neck almost right the way round, and flashed her an obscenely optimistic smile for such a tender hour in the day.

"Morning sleeping beauty." He greeted her in his hoarse, husky whisper that he used when he just woke up. Also, the fact that he already had a cigarette in his hand probably was just adding insult to injury too.

She stepped out into the porch and linked her arm through Jay's. She wore his AC/DC t-shirt, again, that was way baggy on her, with gray sweat pants. He had his hoodie on with sweats, so Alex stuck her hand in his pocket to keep warm, and balled the other one up and brought it up to her mouth, exhaling on her skin to keep herself from freezing over like a Popsicle.

She rested her head on his arm and shut her eyes again, breathing in his familiar scent of cigarette smoke and aftershave.

He took another drag and held out the cigarette to her. She considered it for a moment, but outstretched her arm so her sleeve came away and accepted the cigarette, taking a long drag. As the light clouds of smoke slipped their way down the back of her throat, she soaked up the memories of this taste. Her first experiences with Jay some two years ago. It all came flooding back to her. All that had been on her mind the previous day was meeting this scumbag Sunny that had fucked with Jay and making her pay for it, but today, this little moment she was sharing with Jay was too perfect, she didn't want to ruin it by thinking of some other skank who's managed to get her grubby little hands all over _her _boyfriend, then do something as sick as lie about being pregnant, in order to get money. She shook those thoughts from her memory, as Jay looked down at her. She looked up to him, their boldly colored eyes meeting each other, his striking ocean blue ones locking with her own deep chocolate brown ones. Their lips met with a kind of euphoric passion that neither were ready for. It was soft, more caring, with a hint of longing for forgiveness on Jay's part, attributes Alex had never experienced during a kiss with Jay before.

Melissa had heard the floorboards creak as Jay and Alex woke up moments apart from each other, and had got restless. She too crept downstairs and stood on the bottom stair and watched her nephew and his girlfriend. She had to admit, they were very well matched. She smiled warmly to herself, before slipping into the kitchen to make coffee. After her first coffee, she began being able to function properly.

Sean and Tracker sat together through a very awkward breakfast. Just as Sean thought he was going to have to ditch his bowl of cereal and start eating the tension in the room, the telephone let out a feeble wail. Any day now, that phone was going to keel over and die.

Tracker leaped up from the table and darted over to the phone like he was running a marathon.

"Hello? Yes this is he... Alberta? Oh wow... I'll take it... OK, awesome. Thank you sir... Bye."

"Who was that?" Sean grunted through a large mouthful of chocolate pancakes.

"Don't talk with your mouth full, you look like a pig in a sty." Tracker scolded, observing the crumbs catapulting from Sean's mouth. "It was Mr. Woodley. He's got a job for me in Alberta."

"Alberta?" Sean echoed in disbelief. "But that means..."

"Come on, dude, we gotta pack. This is perfect for me, but we had to be there... yesterday, so hurry up and get packed!"

"Tracker, I can't go I haven't finished my year. I've finally got my shit together here!"

"I haven't got time to listen to your little girl whining, Sean."

"I can't go Tracker!"

"Yes you can, you can transfer! There are high schools in Alberta!"

"Tracker, I repeated grade seven, I'm not gonna repeat grade nine!"

"Well you can't stay here. I can drop you in Wasaga with-"

"No! I'm not living with mom and dad!" Sean exclaimed defiantly.

"Well you can't stay here on your own, I already told you that!"

Sean was at his wits end. He was panicking now. All the hard work he'd put in at school, staying out of trouble, getting Ellie back on the straight and narrow... all of that would have been for nothing if he couldn't think of an alternative. He was worrying now... then suddenly something popped in his brain, like a big comical light bulb. "Actually, I can!" He sneered, delighted to prove Tracker wrong. "I can stay here on welfare, I'm old enough."

"You can't live on your own! I guarantee, you'll be knocking on my door before you know it, lil' bro." Tracker said, full of doubt.

* * *

**What did ya think? Please review as honestly as you can! Thanks guys!**


	22. 96 Bars Of Revenge

**I'm quite proud of this chapter. :D  
****It's only short but that's why Never Let Me Down was so long!  
****DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except for the names that aren't from TV! **

* * *

**96 Bars Of Revenge – JME**

**July 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

"I hate you for making me do this." Jay hissed as he and Alex lay in wait.

"This _is _the place she's meeting you, right?" Alex verified with Jay for the fifth time.

"Yes." Jay confirmed abruptly. He looked around restlessly. He had been against this revenge plan the whole time they'd been plotting it. He knew Alex was willing him to do it, so Sunny would get the message, but making out with Sunny while he knew Alex was watching was a little too weird. The total opposite to how it was supposed to be.

"Right, get out there!" Alex hissed, giving him the little push he needed. "It's five minutes til she meant to be here. It's gotta look legit, OK?"

Jay nervously emerged from behind the tall recycling bins, ready to face off with Sunny.

Alex sat waiting, feeling a little bored, until a girl with sickly bright, shiny peroxide blonde hair sauntered up behind Jay an wrapped her arms around him.

_That must be her... whatta slut._

Jay spun around in surprise. Sunny looked hella different. At least fifty pounds skinnier, and her big Hollywood hair on her tiny frame made her look like a lollipop. She flashed her bright white celebrity smile and lowered her Chanel sunglasses to reveal sparkling emerald green eyes. Jay remembered them being brown before.

"Hi, Jay." She smile, batting her long eyelashes dopily. Sunny suited her name right down to the ground now, with her eye-wateringly bright hair and skin tone.

"Wow, You look different." Jay commented.

"Yeah, I know right. I've been living in LA with my big sister since, well, you know..." Sunny trailed off.

Sunny's lies made Jay sick with anger, and he just wanted to slap some sense into her, but he managed to restrain his anger until it was time.

"Well that makes sense now." Jay said monotonously. He couldn't stand to be near this foul excuse for a human being. Sunny smiled and stepped in closer. Jay's body tense up as she slinked her long arms around his waist again. He took a deep breath and reluctantly reciprocated by nuzzling in close to her. She made the stupid move of kissing his neck. She trailed the kisses up until their lips were touching.

Alex watched from her vantage point. Rage boiled up inside of her, but she knew that for the first time, she could 100 trust Jay. Sunny had really fucked him over with all this abortion crap. He was a good actor, approaching Sunny, acting like he was the grieving could-have-been-father, when really he knew what a scheming, deceiving liar she really was. She watched as this skank made out with her boyfriend. She'd have felt worse, were it not for the brilliant scheme of revenge that she had planned.

Sunny's hands were all over Jay, and Alex was itching to get out there and really give this bitch a piece of her mind. Eventually, Jay backed away from the kiss and called her name confidently.

"You've bought me one of your guy friends? Well if you don't mind I don't mind!" Sunny smiled wickedly.

"Um, not its _Alexandra._" Alex spat bitterly as she came bounding out from her hiding place. "Are you trying to fuck my boyfriend? Again?"

Sunny stood before her with a weird, arrogant look on her face. "Oh, so you're the little dweeb he went back to Canada for. I'm surprised."

"Oh yeah bitch? Don't be."

"Ha! What are you gonna do?" Sunny scoffed folding her arms across her chest with an inflated sense of her own self importance. "I could snap you like a twig, little girl." She then unfolded her arms and jabbed at Alex with a French manicured finger.

"Yeah, I can do more damage than you think!" Alex swatted Sunny's hand away and shoved her in the shoulder. Sunny retaliated, but Alex just turned and balled up her fist.

Jay stepped back and watched in awe and amazement as Alex floored Sunny with just one swift right hook around the face. Sunny fell to the floor like a dead fly. Jay was taken aback by Alex's strength. Sunny struggled to get back up, but Alex just stuck her foot out and pushed her firmly back down.

"Nah, I don't think so, slut."

Sunny fell back to the cold hard floor and Alex looked down at her with a triumphant look on her face. Jay laced his arm effortlessly around her shoulders and Alex shot Sunny a look that said 'hand off bitch, he's mine.'

Alex tucked her arm around the back of Jay and grabbed onto one of his belt loops to keep a good grip. She and Jay looked to each other at the same time and Jay leaned forward and placed a kiss on Alex's lips. He made out with her in front of Sunny, feeling the bleached blonde freak's eyes searing red hot dashes into both of them. Ales shut her eyes tight and tried to forget that Sunny was there at all, and even more so she tried to block out the fact that she could still taste her cherry lip gloss on Jay's lips. She wasn't angry at Jay this time though. She'd won him back and they'd managed to totally destroy this ho Sunny.

"You lie to me about being pregnant and expect I won't figure it out? You're sick. Lucky for me that money was from my Dad's account."

Only Alex understood that. It made her smile smugly. "What kinda name is Sunny anyways?"

* * *

**Reviews? (:**


	23. Home Sweet Home

**I stole some lines here and put my own spin on them. But thats OK right? By the end, I'm aware it gets a bit patchy and stale, but that's cuz I was trying to focus it on Sellie not Jalex.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

* * *

**Home Sweet Home – Kano**

**August 2002  
****Alex: 13  
****Jay: 15**

"I don't wanna go home yet. This place is awesome!" Alex whined as she and Jay packed to go back to Toronto.

"Well, all things must come to an end. And don't throw that in like that. Fold it." Jay swiped the jeans out of Alex's hand and folded them neatly and placed them gently in.

Alex smiled to herself at this odd sight before her. She was throwing her clothes into her bag in any old haphazard fashion, whilst Jay was folding and sorting, as if his life depended on it.

"What are you smiling at?" He asked, his tone soft and flirtatious.

"I never noticed these little _things_ about you before."

"Hey there's nothing little about my thing, OK?" He said smiling wickedly.

Alex had to smirk. "You know what I mean!"

"Yep. I just like to mess things about a bit."

"Just not when packings concerned, obviously."

"Some things you just don't joke about, Nunez." Jay gasped in mock horror.

* * *

With Jay in a considerably better mood, the flight home didn't seem to take half as long as it did going out.

"I'll miss you aunt, she's pretty cool."

"She's a little shopaholic. I never pictured you and her getting along in a million years"

"Opposites attract." Alex reasoned.

"Don't say that." Jay said shortly.

"Why?" Alex asked in confusion.

"It makes me think that we won't last. Cuz we're not opposites, we're the same. You're like me with boobs."

"Boobs? I don't see any boobs!" Alex threw her hands up to her flat chest and made a joke to try and lighten to shady area this conversation was headed. Jay held his gaze for a few moments, and although Alex saw his eyes drop to her chest, she couldn't help but to notice a shiver shoot down her spine at the briefly maintained eye contact.

"Doesn't matter to me." Jay threw his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her tightly. They'd lifted the arm rest up between their seats just to be an extra few inches nearer to each other.

"I can't believe we're going half way across the world and back together." Alex said as she allowed herself to be encased in the shoulder hold by Jay.

"It's not that far." Jay pointed out, annoyingly but lovably at the same time.

"Whatever, Mr. Geographist!"

"Oh yeah, like that's a word!" Jay taunted. Alex had to admit she had never seen Jay like this. He actually seemed happy for once. Especially since the way he'd been acting during their stay in Portland.

The usually vile so-called 'food' they gave you on planes was also OK. _This is getting better and better! _Alex thought to herself as she tucked into chocolate mousse. All in all, things were going very well.

Jay was a lot more organized this time. He and Alex actually got a cab home from the airport, unlike the horrifically long and treacherous battle against the elements that Jay faced last time he was leaving this airport.

He went home to his new place when they got back to the homeland in Toronto, but not before he dropped Alex off at the trailer park.

"Jay, you can leave me here." Alex said as they reached the gates. She went to retrieve her bag he was carrying for her, but he gently shook her hand away. Alex sighed, but she wasn't angry.

"No way. I'm walkin' you to the door." Jay kept his other arm tight around Alex as they got nearer to the trailer. "I like making sure you're OK. Then I don't have to worry about you so much."

"Well, I'm here now. I won't get lost on the way to the door." Alex said, stood just mere inches from the steps up to the front door.

"OK, I'll see you tomorrow, OK?" He pulled her in for a slow kiss, but he knew it wouldn't last long, he could practically feel Emily's eyes burning into his skin. Right on cue, Alex pulled away and slightly chuckled, sheepishly.

"Bye." She waved discretely and disappeared into the house, leaving Jay stood outside, the taste of Alex still in his mouth.

* * *

"Alex! You're back! I missed you sweetheart!" Emily pulled her daughter into a hug, barely giving her time to drop her duffel bag. Alex allowed herself to be suffocated by her mother, waiting til she let go to ask her a big question.

"Mom?" Alex spoke clearly and calmly.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Emily was drunk.

"Who the hell is that?" Alex pointed toward a man sat in the arm chair, eyes glued to the NASCAR on the small, snowy screen.

"Oh, Alex I was meaning to say! How silly of me! This is Chad, my new boyfriend!" Emily was way too happy.

"New boyfriend?" Alex echoed in disbelief. She tried to keep her voice level. "Who the hell is he, mom?"

"It's Chad! You know Chad!" Emily hooted with laughter.

"No, I don't!" Alex hissed absurdly.

"Chad!" Emily shouted. "This is my daughter, the famous Alexandria!"

"Alex!" Alex corrected her mom. Chad took his eyes off the TV for sheer seconds, nodded, grunted something incoherent then looked back to the drivers.

"Say hello, Alex." Emily tried to gently knee Alex in the back, but it came out a little to forceful. Alex staggered forward and turned round to throw dagger stares at her mom as she steadied herself. As she did, she caught sight of a small baggy of ecstasy pills on the end table.

Correction: Emily was not drunk. She was drugged up.

Alex looked at this new guy, _Chad – _what a horrible name – then toward her mom, and scoffed loudly in disgust. "Whatever mom. I'm going to bed." She swung down to grab her bag and barged through the living room to her bedroom, without even saying goodnight.

When in the safe confines of her bedroom, once she had bolted the doors and windows twice, she collapsed against the wall and tucked her knees up closely under her chin. She didn't flick the lights, but in the dim moonlight she could see her room was no different to when she'd left it. At least that was something. Her mom hadn't been in rummaging through her drawers searching for the last quarter or dime to scrape together to buy booze or cigarettes with.

She felt the bumpy contours of her bony spine pushing against the paper thin walls. She rested her chin miserably on her knees, and she hugged her arms tightly around her legs, but she didn't cry. There was plenty of time for that. When something actually happened that warranted crying over.

* * *

Sean Cameron looked around his now empty house. Tracker had been gone for less than a week and already he was feeling at the end of his tether. He was so freaking bored... When Tracker left, Sean didn't realize he'd actually miss his company. Or maybe it was the fact that Tracker took with him the brand new Play Station 2 and most of their collection of DVD's, Sean couldn't tell.

Sean had the phone in his hand. He kept hitting redial every few seconds, but each time to no avail. For some reason, no-one in Ellie's house were answering their phone...

They didn't have any personal touches. Their message was pre-recorded and steady. After hearing it for the ninth time, he decided maybe he should let it go.

He listened to the message nearing the beep, and hit the 'end' button before it had a chance to connect. He threw the phone down on the cushions next to him and exhaled loudly.

There was a lot to be said for the hype surrounding living on your own. Parties, drink, girls, freedom? Ha! Sean was tearing his hair out, and it hadn't been a week yet!

Ellie had disappeared from reach and couldn't be found, and he had absolutely no idea when Alex and Jay got back from Oregon. He couldn't quite understand why they went for just four days, but hey, each to their own, eh?

It was getting nearer and nearer to nine, and he knew that by the laws of social etiquette, he couldn't really ring the house after nine. He despaired he wondered whether it would appear too needy to leave a message. The lead him to wonder if the calls he'd made would show up. Then he'd look an idiot...

Jay's new place was rattling with space as well. He got in at a little after eleven thirty, and sat alone in the dark and dismal half-light. The refrigerator buzzed and spluttered, and the huge wall clocked ticked steadily. A dog barked somewhere far away and a helicopter floated past outside, but other than that, it was silent. Jay flicked the TV on, just to turn it off mere moments later.

* * *

Ellie had left the phone off the hook for a reason. She wasn't sure why, but she did. Her mom was enjoying spending time in the living room with a handsome young man named Jack Daniels. She wouldn't notice if the phone rang or not.

She lay on her bed with her head hanging over the edge. Her vivid red hair swept the floor and the blood was streaming to her head, making her feel quite tingly. She didn't look, but she ran her fingers over the bumpy lacerations on her arm. She drummed a steady rhythm on the wall with her feet. The way things were at the minute, she couldn't care less what happened to her, or anyone.

It was the blood pumping around and gathering in her skull that did it, but she thought she'd heard the phone ring a few times over the heavy bass of her Nirvana mix tape.

* * *

An unbearable lonely morning followed an unbearably lonely night. Sean was out of bed before the sun was up, and he was showered and dressed before the mailman had even been round. The massive atmosphere in the room was suffocating. The ring of the phone jerked him to life with a start.

"Hello?" He was relieved at the prospect of another human life communicating with him.

"Hey, Sean, it's Ellie."

"Oh, hey!" Sean exclaimed a little too enthusiastically. "I mean, hi." He tried again, this time only calmer.

"Did you call my place last night? There were a few hang ups."

_Ah, busted! _"Nope, no wasn't me."

"OK..." Ellie said, sounding like she didn't completely buy it. "Anyway, what are you doing today?"

"Well, my hectic social life brings me extremely fun filled days, so I'll probably be out painting the town red."

"Oh..." Ellie sounded aghast.

"I'm joking, El. I'm doing nothing. At all. As always."

"Oh!" Ellie said again, this time sounding more upbeat. "Do you wanna..."

"Sure, sounds great." Sean jumped in there, worrying he sounded desperate. But, in a way, he was.

* * *

Jay was another lost soul dying to escape the suffocating surroundings of living alone. He was up and out, restlessly pacing the streets at 8am the next morning. He knew for a fact Alex was not a morning person, and he didn't want to risk knocking on her door at this small hour, but he was deteriorating quickly, and he was feeling bored.

Walking along the lonely sidewalk, he could feel a spirit haunting him. A familiar streak of uneasiness zipping around behind him, invisible to outsiders. As soon as he tried to make eye contact it faded. The memories and recollections of this area were almost too overwhelming. Upon his return from Oregon, things had felt different. Sure, it had been only less than a day so far, but he couldn't help but to feel something was off.

Alex's good company – if a little grumpy – an hour later half took his mind off things, but it was still there in the back of his mind. He didn't bother mentioning it though. Too much like hard work explaining it to his rather cynical girlfriend.

* * *

Sean wasn't quite sure where the words came from, and he wasn't quite sure why they'd not had the chance to register in his brain before he said them, but he was now wishing he was dead. Or that the wind would pick up him and sent him flying miles away from all civilization, until he'd learned how to cope in situations where there might be people around.

"Live with you?" Ellie uttered in shock as she processed what he'd just proposed.

Sean cringed and his insides curled up and ached as he heard back what he'd just asked Ellie. "I'm sorry, please forget I ever said that, I wasn't thinking! God, what an idiot!" He cursed himself, hitting his thigh angrily.

"What would I say to my mom?" Ellie sounded dubious.

"Ellie, please, don't!" Sean wailed dramatically. He couldn't bear to hear the words. "Please just forget I ever mentioned it, OK?"

"No, Sean that's not what I meant." Ellie said slower. "I mean, you'll have to help me come up with something to tell my mom."

"Serious?" Sean uttered, not quite believing his luck.

"Serious." Ellie confirmed, not quite believing what she was saying.

* * *

**Well that was an odd one. Longer than usual though.**

**Please review, I'd love to know what you guys think. :)**

**Thanks to all my awesome reviewers who reviewed REALLY quickly on the previous chapter, it means the world to me, it really does! :D**


	24. Dance With My Father

**I made up the name of the prison, I hope it doesn't sound too lame. And I am worried that the dialog of the police chiefs is a little English. As in accent wise. So forgive me if its inaccurate for Americans/Canadians, I can only write it as I know how, and that's with an English accent. :D**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

**BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.****Dance With My Father – Luther Vandross**

* * *

**September 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

With the arrival of September came the start of many things. School was starting up again, and this time, Jay was actually going. It was debatable how long he'd last for, but he was going for the first day. But before school, it was Alex's fourteenth birthday. It had been a _very _long year, and Alex thought it'd never end, but the morning of her birthday turned out to be not as bad as she'd thought.

When she woke up and stumbled wearily into the living room, Jay was already there, which was embarrassing for Alex, who emerged from bed with her scraggy nightclothes on and her hair totally messed up. Once again, she was wearing Jay's large AC/DC t-shirt that skimmed her knees, matched with a rather attractive pair of lime green bottoms decorated with little frogs.

She tried to sneak back out undetected but the creak of the floor boards caused Jay to spin around and catch her at her worst. "Hello, birthday girl!" He exclaimed jubilantly as Alex cringed at being detected. She turned slowly with a huge fake grin plastered on her face.

"Hi!" She said in a somewhat forced fashion.

"Hello, sweetheart!" Emily gushed proudly. She shot up out of the arm chair and bounded over to Alex to envelope her in a big birthday bear hug.

Alex saw the bruise on her temple covered up with an unnatural amount of foundation. She said she fell. Alex knew that was bullshit.

"Thanks, mom!" Alex gurgled as Emily's grip tightened on her.

Chad was sat in his newly designated chair, positioned handily right in front of the TV. He didn't look up from the screen longer than a few seconds to grunt a birthday greeting.

Jay looked pretty eager for Alex to open her presents. Yes, plural. It looked as if Emily had really pushed the boat out this year. Guilt, most probably.

She took a seat in the middle of the three seater sofa, with her mom on one side and Jay on the other. "Open the ones wrapped in blue first." Emily ordered enthusiastically.

Three little box shaped presents wrapped in dark blue holographic paper were naturally the first ones Alex went for. "These are from me and Chad." Emily added.

Alex smiled gratefully but scoffed dubiously in her head. The three presents were thoughtful, but Alex didn't expect anything more.

"That ones from me." Jay said, tapping a long slender black velvet box proudly.

Alex reached forward and picked it up tentatively. She suddenly had a horrible feeling that she was about to feel extremely honored. She held the box gingerly in both hands and just stared at it in nervous anticipation.

"Open it, then doofus!" Jay nudged her lightly and smiled encouragingly.

Alex took a deep breath and nervously got hold of the clasp and popped the box open. Inside was a thin chain gold bracelet with little a shimmering diamond 'A' charm. Her breath was taken from her as she studied the beautiful piece of jewelery before her. "Wow..." She gasped under her breath as it hit her.

"Do you like it?" Jay asked nervously.

She looked up to him and smiled weakly. "I love it. Where did you-"

"Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it!" Jay shut Alex up with a kiss.

* * *

As the morning went on and things settled down, Alex began to think that maybe this day might not be a total wash-out to be forgotten like most other birthdays. Hell, she couldn't even remember her 13th birthday, it was so forgotten.

Her mom had even got in a cake. Admittedly it was from a supermarket bakery and not made by her mom's own fair hand, but the thought was there and that was what counted at the end of the day, right?

Things were going well. Alex would even go as far as to say she was enjoying herself. The phone was ringing in the background, but she barely noticed it over the excited chatter. "That's probably someone ringing to wish you happy birthday, Alex." Emily said as she made her way over to the phone.

"Hello?" Emily broke away from the bottle of Vodka she was nursing to answer the phone.

"Hello, may I please speak with Emily Nunez?" A very formal sounding man was on the other end.

"Ummm, yes, this is she." Emily placed her bottle down and straightened herself out, as if trying to make a good impression to the man, even though he was inside the phone.

"Is it possible to reach Jason Hogart at this address. It's listed as an emergency contact."

"Emergency contact?" Emily asked in confusion. "Who shall I say is calling?"

"My names Police Chief Charles Garrett, from Toronto City Prison."

"Oh... yeah sure, I'll... get him for you." Emily was unsure of what they wanted, but either way, she knew it was bad news. She cupped her hand over the speaker and passed the phone to Jay. "Jay, it's for you."

Jay took the phone, surprised that someone would ring here for him. He wondered for a horrible moment if Sunny had managed to track them down. "Hello?"

"Is that Jason Jackson Hogart?"

"Uh, yeah." Jay answered, cringing at the name he'd tried so hard to disassociate for the past eighteen months.

"Hello, Jason. I'm Police Chief Charles Garrett from Toronto City Prison. I've got Mr. Montgomery from the hospital here with me. We'd like you to come down to the prison to have a little chat."

"A chat about what?" Jay inquired skeptically.

"Well, I can't say much over the phone, but I do need you to come down urgently. I trust you know directions?"

"Yeah." Jay knew them from the multiple times he and his mom had to go down there to bail out his pathetic dad. "So today, then?"

"Yes, that would be best, Mr. Hogart." Jay didn't like being addressed as Mr. Hogart.

"OK. Fine."

- - - - -

"Who was it?" Alex asked immediately.

"I don't know. Jared or something."

"Garrett." Emily corrected him.

"Yeah, whatever his name is, I gotta go down there and 'talk to him'." Jay made a face.

"Do you want me to drive you there?" Emily offered.

Jay looked at her doubtfully, then eyed the vodka she was clutching. "No thanks. I'll walk."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Alex jumped up and followed Jay as he started making his way toward the door.

He considered it for a minute, then changed his mind. "No, it's OK. I'll be back in like half an hour, there's no point."

"OK." Alex agreed reluctantly. "See you when you get back."

"Kiss?" Jay almost demanded as Alex turned to go.

"See ya." She gave him a single peck on the lips and went to sit back down on the couch where she was before.

"Yeah, see ya later." He let himself out, and made his way up town to the prison.

* * *

This route was all too familiar, but he never remembered it being so close. As he got nearer, his heart began pounding heavier and quicker. From the little information he was given on the phone, he presumed his dad wanted to see him. He didn't want to see his dad though. As he stood before the twenty story building, at the wrought iron gates, he had second thoughts, wanted to walk the other way. He pressed the button on the intercom and waited as it crackled like a weak radio signal.

"Please state your name and purpose." A tinny voice on the other end finally announced.

"Uh, Jay- Jason Hogart, here to see Mr. Gerrard?" Jay didn't remember being this bad with names.

"You mean Garrett?"

"Yes! Yeah, that's him."

"OK, please come through." Jay didn't notice until that point there was a CCTV camera pointed right at him.

- - - - -

"Hi, Jason?" A short, blonde haired woman dressed in a cream color suit with a cerise pink shirt.

"Yeah." He held out his hand, wanting to appear both charming, and confident.

She smiled warmly and shook his hand firmly. "My name is Bren. Right this way, Mr. Hogart." Jay couldn't help but to notice there was something about the glint in her eye. It was a happy glint, more reluctant and expectant of something.

She led him through to a small room, where two men were waiting, dressed very similarly. As soon as he and Bren entered the room, the two men jumped up and individually shook Jay's hand.

"Sit down, Mr. Hogart."

Jay sat down timidly and looked down at a lump of sickly green-yellow gum stuck in the right angle corner of the desk.

"You'll be wondering, no doubt, why we called you in here."

_No shit, dumbass. _"Yeah."

"This is very serious."

"Are you gonna arrest me?" Jay jumped to conclusions, using the most words he's said in what seemed like forever.

"No, Mr Hoga-"

"It's Jay, OK?" He interrupted shortly.

"Sorry, Jay. No, you're not under arrest. I contacted Mr. Montgomery here this morning, from the hospital. A body was found this morning in block E, and we need the nearest available next of kin for a formal body identification."

Jay was speechless. His heart was hammering so loud he was deafened. It was rising up from his chest, up his throat and into his mouth. If he opened it to speak, it'd surely come flying out. A formal body identification? That could only mean one thing...

"Now, a simple yes or no will suffice here. We just need confirmation this is the body of a Jackson Reginald Pierce Hogart." Mr. Garrett instructed him as he stood a good two foot away from the currently covered morgue slab. The outline of the concealed body was freaking him out big time, but he couldn't keep his eyes off it. The concaves and contours of the beer belly, huge feet and protruding nose were enough to give it away already.

"This may be a little disturbing, but try to remain calm." The mortuary worker said as he slowly peeled back the white sheet.

Jay's face fell as he stared down at the horrifically mutilated body. The skin of this person was gray in color, and faded like old lawn furniture. The eyes were glued tightly shut and bruises varying from blue to black to yellow to purple formed a ring around the neck. Thin slits of flesh passing themselves off as lips were gray and leathery like the skin.

"Can you identify this body?" The morgue technicians chilling voice made him jump.

Jay looked between the technician and the body and back again a few times. He swallowed hard and struggled to find his voice. "It's him." He faltered, his voice getting caught in his throat.

"This is the body of Jackson Hogart?"

Jay nodded affirmatively.

* * *

**:( Well that was sad to write. Reviews, please?**


	25. Far Behind

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, especially the song, which is sad cuz the song is awesome, my favorite song ever! Download the song, it's awesome!

**Lyrics in italic bold.**

**Thanks for all the brilliant reviews! Please review this, even to tell me you don't like it! If that is the case, but I hope you do like it!**

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**Far Behind - Candlebox**

**September 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

A watery early morning sun was climbing into the faded blue sky, matched with a bitterly icy snap of cold breeze. A lone bird glided gracefully across the skyline, silently flying off into obscurity. Jay watched as the bird passed by the window and dipped off the radar in the distance.

Comfort was not an option right now. He was sat on his unmade bed, leaned against the wall with one leg stretched out casually and the other bent in a 45 degree angle. He had his arm wrapped protectively around Alex, who was snuggled in close at his side with her head resting on his chest peacefully. She'd eventually succumbed to the negativities attached to lack of sleep, and even though she'd asked him to keep her awake, Jay let her stay in slumber when she reluctantly dropped off at about 4am. Now, as the sun settled temporarily in the sky just above the horizon, at around 7.45am, she'd had nearly four hours sleep, but Jay was still sat stiff as a board on his bed feeling numb.

Out of sheer dread, he'd somehow hoped that this day might never come. But today was the day, and there was nothing he could do. In less than five hours, he'd be back in the horrifically familiar place known as the church. Jay never thought for one minute that he'd have lost both parents before the age of sixteen. This horrible reality was something he'd never wish on anyone, even his worst enemy. People on the outside had no idea of the troubles and trials that people like him faced. The little rich kids running around at Degrassi had it so good, with no worries or problems. The only thing they had to be concerned about whether their next 20 was coming from mommy's pocket or daddies.

He tilted his head back and tried to shut his eyes, but he'd been awake for so long now that they were all dry and itchy and he was unable to keep them shut. The only thing that kept him from opening them immediately was the fact that he knew once he did he'd be forced back into this harsh reality. He opened one eye slowly, then the other and refocused his glance wearily. He looked down at Alex and she was still sound asleep. He wondered if she was dreaming about anything. Alex's dad hadn't been on the scene in almost ten years. He considered the fact that Alex probably didn't even remember him. To weigh up the points of their lives and compare them equally, Jay wasn't sure who had it worse. Jay had lost his mother, and then his father, but said father was physically abusive, a drunk and ultimately, a prisoner. Alex's dad was pretty similar, a complete slacker, and AWOL for 80 of her life to boot, and his short-lived replacements were no better. The long line of useless step-dad's Emily had bought into Alex's life just got more and more pathetic and freeloading as it went on. Emily didn't have the self-confidence or the nerves to stand up for her self, so it seemed that things would always be this way.

Jay yawned widely and his eyes flickered over to his suit slung over the closet door waiting for him to step into later on. It hadn't even been a year yet since he was wearing that suit at his mom's funeral. The passing of his father had triggered guilt in his conscience that he hadn't visited her grave once since she was buried. There were many times over the past year when he would have given anything to have his mom back just for five minutes. He'd tell her how much he really loved her, and that although he rarely showed it, and he probably never once said it, she really did mean the world to him, and she still did.

When it came to his dad, it was a different story. When he first found out he was dead, he was emotionless. Stood in the morgue, he wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. Then he started to feel weird. Like a feeling of relief that he was gone and he wouldn't have to see his face and be reminded of the way he treated his mom while she was still alive. Remembering 'that day' when he returned in all his glory to "give Karen a piece of his mind", Jay felt physically sick that a man could do that to a woman that he was supposed to love. Or just a woman, period, for that matter. Jay could never imagine laying a finger on Alex, not in a million years.

He'd been sat in this same spot for almost nine hours, and he was beginning to go from needing the toilet to being desperate for the toilet. He didn't want to disturb Alex by moving, because she needed her sleep, and also she looked pretty cute, but he doubted that he could slowly inch his way off the bed without waking her up. He ever so slowly straightened his legs out and held Alex's limp body in place as he slid off the bed. He propped her up on the pile of pillows and she barely stirred. He crept out of the bedroom and across to his bathroom.

When he got back, Alex was sat up straight with her arms pulled out of the sleeves of her baggy hoodie and wrapped around her slim body. The horrible unnerving, cold confusion of the first few minutes after waking up were beginning to fade, and she seemed quite alert.

He smiled instead of speaking. He wasn't sure if he could find the words to produce a sentence. Alex smiled back weakly. He sank back down onto the bed and gave her a good morning kiss. They remained in the easy silence until the shrill ring of the phone jolted them from their daydream.

* * *

There were no family members on his mom's side attending the funeral. His dad's mom, whom Jay refused to call 'grandma' was the person on the phone, letting Jay know what time he had to be at the church for the funeral. Since he'd declined the offer to be a pall-bearer and to walk behind the coffin, he was just being treated like a regular guest, and had been reserved a spot in the second row of seats.

Alex used Jay's shower, while Jay was across the way making them something to pass off as breakfast. He threw some toast in the toaster and produced two half empty jars of strawberry jelly and peanut butter from the refrigerator and set it down on the table along with two coffee's, one (his) laced with a mountain of sugar. Alex emerged from the bathroom a little over ten minutes later wearing his clothes. She absolutely drowned in his AC/DC t-shirt and gray track pants, but it was something about the sight of her in his clothes made him not care about anything else.

"It's a good job I don't want that t-shirt back, isn't it?" He joked, referencing the amount of times she wore it.

"It doesn't suit you anyway." Alex hit back, smiling wickedly.

Jay smiled. "It's black. Anyone suits black."

After a lengthy silence that was verging on becoming awkward, Jay spoke again. "My suit that I'm wearing today is all black, are you suggesting that doesn't suit me either?"

Alex noted the smile Jay used as he spoke. "Yes, I think you'll look horrendous."

"Oooh, big words Nunez. You sure you're up to this?"

"I'm quite sure." Alex said confidently. She lightly kicked him under the table and he threw a balled up jam jar label at her in retaliation.

* * *

Alex's hair had dried naturally and when brushed through was wavy and loose. She wore a very simple black top and trousers combo, but she looked anything but simple. She'd spent a long time getting ready, but you could tell. She looked good. Jay cared less about his appearance, and hence didn't take as long. Maybe that was just his being a boy. His black suit with a smart, thin gray pinstripe shooting vertically through it was still the same, as was the basic black silk tie, but this time instead of the white one he wore to his mom's, he wore a black shirt.

He showered, did his hair (reluctantly leaving his hat on the drawers) and changed into his suit, and they were ready to go half an hour before they even needed to be leaving. They hung around Jay's house for as long as they could before the waiting became too excruciating. A slow, gently walk to the church would see them there in plenty of time, but not too early.

* * *

"I don't know what's wrong with me, Alex. I'm not upset. In the slightest. I don't wanna go in." Jay looked struck with guilt and confusion. She didn't quite know what to say. It was two minutes before they were due inside the church and Jay was revealing this.

"We're here now, Jay. We can't turn away now."

"There's no-one here that cares about him anyway. I'm sure two less people wouldn't make a difference."

"Jay, you can't do this."

"But I don't want to."

"It's your dad's funeral. You'll never get another chance to speak to him, much less see him again! If you don't go in there, you'll regret it later." Alex said poignantly.

Jay took a moment to regard Alex's words, and think about them before he opened his mouth. He wanted to argue that his dad was a prick and he was glad he was gone, but he couldn't actually bring himself to say the words.

She held out her hand to him and reluctantly he took it. They walked into the church together and took their seats.

* * *

Alex hadn't been sure how to react when Jay came back that day and told them that his dad was dead. It didn't feel like long since Karen passed. His face was so unreadable she couldn't even ascertain what emotions he was feeling. For days after, he just acted like nothing was wrong. When asked a question, he'd reply with a tone so high pitched and breezy it sounded fake.

She refused to believe that she would take the news worse than Jay, but it seemed that sadly, this was true. She couldn't quite grasp how Jay didn't feel anything for his dad. Even through all the stuff he'd put the family through, Alex thought he'd still have some emotions left. Despite the total abandonment from her dad, if she had the chance to see him again, Alex would jump at the chance.

For Jay, obviously things were a bit different. Alex considered that maybe if she'd been through the trauma Jay had, she too may feel differently.

* * *

The congregation all stood as the coffin was bought in. Cringe-worthy organ music was flitting about and Jay grimaced as he stood and felt a handful of sympathetic eyes burning into his back. In less than a minute, the casket was going right past him, and he eyed it watchfully out of the corner of his eye. No matter how much he wanted to reassure himself he didn't care, he found he couldn't keep his eyes off it as he traveled past lingeringly.

He copped a look over his shoulder. There were at lest ten or eleven rows of seats, but only a sprinkling of guests here and there to fill them. He had no immediate family here. He didn't have his mom, obviously. None of his mom's side of the family were here, and he was pretty sure that he didn't know more than three of the people here. The funeral had been arranged through the prison, so all responsibilities had been handed to them. All Jay had to do was turn up. And he'd managed that. All he had to do now was stay to the end.

He turned back to the front and was reminded again of the cliche-ridden experience he was sitting through. A floral arrangement of white roses adorned the front of the church, and atop the coffin. Jay was relieved it was a closed-casket, he didn't think he had the stomach to see that man's face again. The last time was just that, the last time he'd see him. He was ready to get over this already.

The crowd was asked to sit, and Jay took advantage of this request gratefully. Alex sat close to him and linked her arm around his. He saw the distressed look on her face and wrapped his fingers around and in between hers to reassure her that things were OK. She was coping with this worse than he was, it didn't make sense.

"Jackson Reginald Pierce Hogart was many things. A brother, a husband, a father, a provider." Jay scoffed at this a little too loudly, and got a fierce whispered telling off from Alex. Nonetheless, the preacher carried on with the blatant lies and barefaced falsities. "We are gathered here today to mark the passing of a life so full of potential, soured only by misdirection and sometimes areas of slight weakness and momentary lapses of judgment." Jay smiled broadly at that. He'd never heard one man's violent wrong-doings being described as 'momentary lapses of judgment'. He just wanted to get up and exclaim the truth, what a fucking failure and asshole Jackson Hogart was, but Alex's tightening death grip on his hand deterred him. He raised his free hand up to his forehead and held his head in his hand wearily, willing this charade to hurry up and be over so he and Alex could leave and get away from all this faux-sadness...

"Jay, stop it, you're embarrassing!" Alex hissed sharply as Jay laughed at another misguided anecdote the vicar was reciting. He felt a pointed jab in the ribs and let out a strangled cry, muffled only by his own want not to get brutally attacked by Alex later on.

- - - - -

He seriously thought it was never going to end, but after what seemed an eternity, the organ music struck back up and it was time for the congregation to disperse behind the coffin.

Jay edged closer and closer, eager to get out the door and pronto. "Jay, where are you going, it's that way!" Alex called as Jay power-walked off in the opposite direction. She saw him raise his hands to his face and moments later a cloud of cigarette smoke engulfed him. Alex enjoyed the occasional cigarette or three of an evening, but smoking at a funeral was just so ironic and odd.

"I can't go back there. To the burial, no way." Jay exclaimed loudly. Several mourners turned to look at them as they passed by. Jay threw them a tired, dirty look and they carried on their journey right away.

"Jay, you're making a scene, stop it."

"I'm not making any scene, Alex! I just can't handle this, I don't like it and I wanna go home." Jay said firmly.

"You can't go now, you're gonna regret this." Alex tried to reason with the boy but it was like talking to a brick wall.

"Why are you so fucking concerned?" Jay shouted exasperatedly. "I just wanted to forget about this and move on, but you're not gonna let me, are you?"

Alex sighed decisively. "You'll thank me for it one day."

"Oh, yeah?" Jay raised his eyebrows. "When?"

He skulked off in the opposite direction leaving Ale with two options: follow him and face being ripped apart and eaten alive by an angry Jay, or join the congregation and stand by her moral fibers.

* * *

Jackson Hogart found God in prison. After a year in C block, too many broken bones and too many bloody noses later, he was moved to block E, to solitary confinement. It was here that he found religion, and started following the teachings of Christianity. Tragically, by the time he'd done this, the weight on his shoulders began to crush him, and the burden of what he'd done was catching up to him, and it all became a little too much for him to handle. He hung himself from the disconnected light cable hanging from the high ceiling in the middle of his cell. Before he went, he copied out word for word the lyrics to a song that he would play on repeat loop on his stereo...

_The year was 1994, he and his fiancée Karen Earl were living at the trailer park with their son Jason, nicknamed JJ due to his first and middle initials, and the record of choice in the Hogart-Earl residence was a depressing guitar-grunge song by a Nirvana-esque band called Candlebox. The record was Far Behind, and the lyrics were touching in a way he'd never felt before. The lyrics were sad, and yes, they made him think about things, but that didn't stop him from beating Karen when she asked too many questions, or didn't do something to quite the way he liked it._

Jackson copied out all the lyrics, word perfectly, singing along as he wrote to make sure he remembered them right. Then came the not so easy task of composing the letter that was accompanying the lyrics. His wife was dead and he'd never got the chance to say goodbye. He knew that if he ever tried to get near to her, he'd probably be arrested and locked away with the key thrown away. His son was his last hope. He comprised a letter from the bottom of his heart, and wrote it with the hope that he would read it, acknowledge it and maybe even appreciate it...

_Dear Jason,_

_Dad here. Writing to you from my prison cell. I'm in solitary confinement and have been for some time now. Not for much longer. Some may consider this the cowards way out, but maybe that works for me. People don't know. Nobody knows but us. I am truly sorry for all that I have put you through over the years, and my one wish before I leave here tonight is that you will find it in your heart, deep down somewhere, to forgive your old dad for everything. I know one pathetic sorry doesn't make up for fifteen years of neglect, abuse and hate, but soon this will be all be over, and we can go back to how things were and start afresh maybe._

_Religion has helped me to get on the path to transforming my life, it's just now that path has come to unexpected road-works, and I feel that this world would be better off without me. I've included a little something inside for you. I hope you can understand my reasoning and you can someday learn to move on. Have it in your heart to one day let go._

_I wish you all the luck in the future and I know one day, no matter where or when, or how reluctant wither of us are, we'll meet again._

_Regards, Dad._

**_Now maybe  
I didn't mean to treat you bad  
But I did it anyway  
And then maybe  
Some would say your life was sad  
But you lived it anyway  
And so maybe  
Your friends they stand around they watch you crumble  
As you falter down to the ground  
And then someday  
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying  
Oh you were flying oh so high  
But then someday people look at you for what they call their own  
They watch you suffer  
Yeah they hear you calling home  
And then some day we could take our time  
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us  
But you left me far behind_**

**_Now maybe  
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad  
But I did it anyway  
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had  
But you couldn't share the pain_**

**_No, no, no  
Couldn't share the pain, they watch you suffer  
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes  
But I live with what I've known  
And then maybe we might share in something rare  
But won't you look at where we've grown  
Won't you look at where we've gone  
But then someday comes  
Tomorrow holds a sense of what I feel for you in my mind  
As you trip the final line  
And that cold day when you lost control  
Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me  
But you left me far behind_**

**_Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad  
But I did it anyway  
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had  
But you couldn't share the pain No, no, no_**

**_Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad  
But I did it anyway  
Now maybe baby some would say you're left with what you had  
But you couldn't share the pain  
I said times have changed your friends  
They come and watch you crumble to the ground  
They watch you suffer  
Yeah, they hold you down  
Hold you down  
Now maybe oh oh, maybe  
I didn't mean to treat you bad  
But you left me far behind  
Left me far behind  
Left me far behind  
They watch you suffer  
Yeah, they hold you down  
Hold you down  
Now maybe oh oh, maybe  
I didn't mean to treat you bad  
But you left me far behind  
Left me far behind  
Left me far behind_**

The small white envelope in the breast pocket of his jacket had been bothering him for some time now. He'd been given it that morning, but for some unknown reason, something stopped his curiosity from taking over completely and reading it before he was instructed to do so. Now he regretted ever opening it. Because it said all the things he was always too much of a big man to admit to himself. Because the poignant lyrics haunted him with bitter childhood memories he'd tried so hard to diminish from his memory. Also because he felt angry that his dad had left him in the lurch so much. Or maybe because it made him cry. He'd initially refused to let any tears fall today, or ever, but as he read and re-read the letter, he found himself welling up. They weren't gushing, mushy tears of self pity or general upset really, they were more stinging, angry tears that he didn't want to express but he had no control over. He was feeling a huge range of emotions and he couldn't pin just one or even two down. He needed to get away. He needed to find Alex and hold her tight.

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**Please review, I loved this chapter and I hope that you did too! :)**


	26. Demolition Lovers

**Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter! You're all awesome!**

**And I'm aware of the irony in this chapter. When you get to the end you'll hopefully know what I mean.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

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**Demolition Lovers – My Chemical Romance**

**September 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

Alex approached the furious Jay cautiously.

"I hate him, Alex! I actually hate him! He's a prick!" Jay vented loudly.

"I'm sure he doesn't-"

"Look!" He hollered, thrusting the letters in Alex's face angrily. Alex took them from him and studied them closely. "He's not even cold in the ground and he's already fucking ruining my life!just like he did when he was alive!" Jay exclaimed before Alex had even had a chance to read the letter. The song lyrics sparked a memory in her mind of when she and Jay were young. This song seemed to be on constant repeat in Jay's trailer. Jackson had the vinyl, and it was always spinning. The depressing words and striking chords took her back to her childhood, where times were simple and problems were comparatively trivial. Back then, she had no idea that Jay's dad was so unhappy, and she had no idea that her own mom was so unhappy. She didn't realize until she was nine that it wasn't OK for men to hit women. Until then, because her mom and her boyfriend of the time did it, and Jackson did it to Karen, she just presumed it was normal and that everyone did it when they were angry or sad. But then when it became a regular thing, and her mom was getting a new bruise on a daily basis, she realized something was up. And of course, the hands of time helped her learn that things weren't right. But there was no telling some people. There was no way that Alex was strong enough or fast enough to stand up to the guys that her mom bought back to the house.

Jay was blind with rage. Alex read the spidery handwriting over and over again trying to comprehend what it said.

"Why couldn't he have told me this stuff before he died?" Jay asked spacily.

Alex looked up from the parchment to look at her destroyed boyfriend. She now noticed that he'd ripped his tie off and discarded it to the ground. He'd obviously been running his hands through his hair a lot as he looked very disheveled.

"I can't believe this!" Jay whined, starting up pacing again. He muttered obscenities and curses under his breath as he paced.

"Jay! Stop pacing!" Alex had to shout.

He spun around looking worried. "I can't fucking believe this!"

"I know, you said!"

"Alex, don't start, please." He commanded, sighing hopelessly.

"I'm not, I'm sorry." Alex had to say that to stop Jay from having a nervous breakdown. "It's OK. It'll be OK."

"Ha!" Jay exclaimed sceptically.

"Look, we're gonna be late. We gotta get back over there." Alex explained motioning toward the crowd.

"I'm not going back over there."

"Jay, we've been through this! Stop being a stubborn ass. We're going, OK?" Alex spoke clearly and precisely.

Jay huffed loudly before reluctantly following Alex back over to the crowd. She quickened her pace, and he almost had to run to keep up with her.

* * *

Something happened that Jay wasn't expecting. As he and Alex stood tightly knit next to each other, and he stared down at the casket being slowly lowered into the ground, he got the urge to shout out all the things he wanted to say. He felt cold and numb. Alex's ice cold fingers entwined around his own like she could sense he needed her to reassure him it was still OK. He gripped her hand tightly and looked down at her. She gave a small smile and he returned the gesture for good measure. He switched his gaze back to the casket. It was gone now. He was gone. His whole family had disappeared. If they weren't off living the high life in Portland (Melissa and Cory), they were six feet under (his mom and dad) or doing time in a prison in England (his uncle Steven).

"See, that wasn't that bad was it?" Alex whispered to him as they walked away, slowly breaking away from the crowd.

"I thought I was gonna hurl. That was horrible." Jay muttered, gratefully inhaling the smoke of his much anticipated first cigarette of the day. He took another long hit and sent it in Alex's direction. She took it between her two fingers and took a deep drag too.

"You did it though. It's the last thing I'll make you do that you don't want to do, I swear."

"Damn right." Jay said taking the cigarette from her mouth facetiously.

There wasn't one person here that knew Jay was Jackson's son. It wasn't something that Jay liked to broadcast. They probably knew that Jackson had a son called Jay, but had no idea who he actually was. All of Jackson's friends were bum's from the bar, and from the looks of things none of them were here today. Apparently, there was other distant members of the Hogart family here, but Jay didn't stop to speak to any of them. He and Alex almost ran to the exit and jumped on the bus to take them home to Jay's apartment.

* * *

Jay changed from his funeral attire to jeans and a black tee as soon as they got in, but Alex was stuck wearing her uncomfortable black formal clothes until she went home.

As Jay clattered around in the bathroom, Alex sat alone on the couch looking around his place. It was as sparse and bare as it was when he moved in. you'd have never guessed he'd been there for a month. Jay emerged from the bathroom while she was studying the surroundings.

"What are you looking at beautiful?" He asked leaning against the door frame casually.

"This place!" Alex exclaimed despairingly. "It's depressingly dark!"

"So? It's only a roof over my head. It doesn't matter what it looks like."

"It's not very inviting." Alex pointed out.

"Do you wanna leave?"

"No."

"Quit complaining then."

this little exchange of banter was what Alex liked most. "I love this."

"Love what?"

"This." Alex repeated. Jay approached her, flopped down on the sofa lazily and looked at her with a look that needed more explanation. "Just hanging out, talking. Being... blah."

"Blah?" Jay asked sceptically.

"Yeah, blah. I couldn't think of a way to explain it."

"Well blah is fine." Jay said propping his feet up on the low coffee table. He sat on the couch next to Alex just staring at the blank TV screen. There was a thick layer of dust on the screen, and he could see a distorted version of himself and Alex. The TV had never been turned on and never would be. He didn't have the remote, he didn't have any money for batteries, and mainly, because the wires had been cut long ago.

"You should paint a picture to stick over that screen. Make some use of the thing."

"I would, but there's one fatal flaw in that plan."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"I can't draw." Jay said laying a small kiss on her cheek as he spoke.

"Well that would help." Alex said, kissing him back, lightly and teasingly. He fought back with a scattering of little kisses that soon turned into something more. He slid his legs off the coffee table and Alex flipped her legs over his so she was straddling him. He sank down lower into the depths of the couch and Alex leaned in lower to keep the contact. She backed off him slowly and sank to her knees in front of him. She looked up at him cautiously and he looked at her waiting to see if she'd do it. Confidently, he leaned forward and began kissing her again whilst unzipping his pants with his hands. He was a rough but passionate kisser. Alex had no yard stick with which to compare, but she liked it. Abruptly, he backed away and Alex looked down in a microsecond. Her stomach lurched, and her body stiffened with unparalleled nerves, but she shut her eyes and went for it.

She wasn't quite sure what possessed her to be so forth-coming, but she did it and after she felt kinda weird. In the milliseconds before she went down she thought she was going to be sick. She'd never ever done anything remotely like this before. While she was doing it, she was constantly wondering if she was doing it wrong. Afterwards, she wished the ground would open and swallow her up, she was that embarrassed. Like for a few minutes, she couldn't look Jay in the eye. God knows what she'd be like when – or if – they ever had proper sex. The knowledge that Jay had been there and done this before with Sunny was no reassurance. She didn't like to think about it but she wondered if Sunny had done this for him too. She snuck an extremely awkward glance at Jay out of the corner of her eye. He smiled weakly and she could do nothing but send another small smile back to him. She could feel her cheeks burning and she just wanted to get the hell out of there, but her heart and her body said two different things.

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**Reviews? Thank you! :)**


	27. You're Blind

**A few pointers:**

**1. I know they don't (or at least I don't think they do) have Dollar General stores in Canada, but I couldn't find what I was looking for in Canada so I just got the name of an American store.**

**2. IDK if an eight grader and a ninth grader could possibly have the same lunch period, but for the sake of the story Jay and Alex have to.**

**Thanks for all the reviews!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

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**You're Blind – Run DMC**

**September 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

Jay wasn't sure if it was healthy to feel this normal after the death of a parent. Or more so, after the death of both parents. Things didn't feel any different to before Jackson died. He and Alex were still going around together like they had, and his life was continuing as it had done. The only thing was, he was finally expected to go back to school. He believed this was what they called the grace period coming to an end.

Alex knocked on Jay's door at 8.15 on Monday morning and was not only surprised to find he was awake, but looked half way to being alive too.

"Wow, you're early." Jay commented through a huge yawn.

"I should have been here at eight, but I figured I'd let you have that extra quarter hour."

"Oh, you're too kind." Jay smiled sarcastically.

Alex punched his arm softly and as she did, Jay saw she had her charm bracelet on. The glint of the early morning sun hit the 'A' charm and caught his eye.

"Hey, you're wearing it." He mused, grabbing her wrist maybe a little more roughly than he had meant to.

"Yeah, you bet." Alex smiled and tugged at if affectionately. "Where did you get it from again? You never said."

Jay panicked, so leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

"Jay! Stop doing that!"

"Stop what? Am I not allowed to kiss you now?" His temper was flaring.

"Not when you use it as an excuse to ignore my question that you so obviously don't wanna answer." Alex spoke clearly.

"It's not a big deal!"

"Look, it doesn't matter, just drop it, OK?"

"Jay, you did something bad to get this, didn't you?"

"No!" Jay exclaimed, his voice wavering as it hit a high note.

"Don't lie to me, Jay!"

"I'm not lying!"

"Tell me where you got it then!"

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

"You're the one making a big deal out of this, Alex!" Jay threw back angrily.

"Tell me where you stole it from, Jay!"

"I didn't steal it from anywhere!"

"Who did you steal it from then?"

"I didn't steal it!"

"Tell me then!" Alex screamed exasperated.

"Look, it's from Dollar General, OK?" Jay finally snapped, stepping away from Alex angrily.

Alex was taken aback. She wasn't expecting that.

Jay turned back and watched the look on Alex's face. "Told you I didn't steal it."

"Jay, why didn't you tell me that in the first place?"

"Cuz it's cheap and crap. I just wanted you to like your present."

"Jay, it doesn't matter where the hell you got it from. I don't care if it's from Dollar General or fucking Tiffany's."

"OK, I don't know where that is." Jay laughed pulling in Alex close.

"You don't need to know, trust me." Alex said allowing herself to be uncomfortably close to Jay. "I'm sorry to break the mood, but we need to get to school."

* * *

Sean and Ellie hadn't seen much of Jay and Alex in a while. It was still going well, if 'well' was the right word to use. Tracker had been gone six weeks and Ellie had been his "roomie" for about three weeks. The first night, they were up all night. Same went for the second. The third night, they were already asleep on the couch from finally conking out at five pm.

But now, sleep wasn't an option. It was 8.35 and they were officially late for school. Sean was twirling chaotically around the bedroom looking for a clean shirt, while Ellie was stood in the open doorway jangling the keys noisily.

"Sean, we're really late!" Ellie called out as the second hand on the clock crept nearer to the nine than the eight.

"I can't leave the house without a shirt, Ellie!" Sean called back shortly.

"Just put any old shirt on, Sean!"

He didn't respond, but a series of crashes, bangs and curses followed the silence. He emerged a few moments later with a white tee and gray hoodie.

"Finally! Come on, let's go!"

* * *

Jay wasn't a huge fan of school or education. He rocked up to Mr. Raditch's office ten minutes after the bell rang. He sauntered in and took a seat.

He was given a time table, with fourth period lunch. Damn, that rang a bell. Did Alex...?

"OK, Mr Hogart? One last thing before you go. I'm letting you back to this school to start afresh this term because I believe you can do well. Don't let me down, son."

Mr. Raditch's power speech was too mushy for Jay. He just nodded and agreed and escaped to his first class: English with... Ms. Kwan. Yeah, Jay remember her. He hoped that she maybe had quit teaching in the time he was in Oregon, but no. She was still here teaching.

He shuffled toward the door hesitantly. His hand hovered over the handle and he looked through the thin panel of frosted glass, even though he couldn't see through it. He could hear Kwan's voice grating like nails down a blackboard. He took a deep breath and burst through the door unexpectedly.

Ms. Kwan leaped off the desk like it had suddenly burst into flames and rushed over to Jay enthusiastically. Oh great, she was trying so, so hard for him to like the class and actually finish his year this time, she was really pushing the boat out. "Jason! Welcome back!" She whooped.

"Hey, Ms. K..." Jay scanned the class, not one familiar face. Oh shit...

"You came just in time, Jason-"

"Please, miss, it's Jay." He cut in and stopped her before she could carry on calling him that God awful name.

"Sorry, Jay, I should remember. Uh, Jay, you have come back at just the right time, nothing too strenuous for the first week of the semester. Take that spare seat at the back and take these books with you." Kwan took a stack of reading and writing materials and thrust them in Jay's arms. He followed basic instruction and sat down right in the left hand corner at the back like he had been told too. Nice place to sit. So far things were going pretty well.

He gave the backs of the heads of his new class mates the once over as he glazed over what Kwan was saying. There was still no-one he knew, even upon second inspection.

He decided it may be best if he tuned back into what Kwan was talking about, if he was gonna stand any chance of passing this year and not having to – God forbid – repeat grade nine. She was saying something about Shakespeare... Romeo and Juliet... oh my God, how cringe-worthy!

Jay's thoughts were interrupted by the guy in front of him turning around to attract his attention.

"Hey, dude, have you got a pen?" He spoke slow and dopily, his speech very long and strung out, like he was coming down from being on sedatives. Jay saw when he spoke that he had a tongue piercing, as well as two rings in one ear and one in the other. His hair was wild and out of control, and he was wearing basic generic skater gear, Van's, cargo pants and a faded, discolored burgundy hoodie.

Jay rooted around in his pockets and pulled out a pen and handed it over without saying anything.

"Thanks Jay, dude." The guy said.

Jay presumed he knew his name because of Kwan's über-friendly introduction, but when he looked closer, he realized he vaguely knew this kid. "Spinner?"

"Yeah, dude! Do you remember me, dude?"

"Of course I do, man!" Jay enthused, but in his mind he was thinking, _'only vaguely'._

"How have you been, dude?" Spinner asked with a broad smile on his face. Jay was already sick to the back teeth of the word 'dude', with Spinner having used it five times in the space of about thirty seconds. He considered that question for a minute, then thought about how he could respond. He pondered it for a few more seconds, before deciding on "Alright thanks, you?"

"Awesome dude, yeah. Got a sweet honey, Paige." Spinner jerked his thumb toward the blonde girl perched tentatively on her chair in the next aisle on the same row as Spinner. Upon hearing her name, the blonde spun around. Her long hair was straight, her blue-green eyes needed to make up their minds what color they wanted to be, and Jay couldn't quite decide if she was stunning or butt-ugly. He didn't need to worry about being introduced, because Kwan was headed their way.

"Paige, Gavin – please don't distract Jason on his first day back." She requested. Jay cringed at the name Jason cropping up again.

Spinner just smiled hopelessly and swiveled back round in his chair.

* * *

"So how were you're first three lessons?" Alex asked as Jay collapsed in a chair next to her on their joint fourth period lunch break. Sean and Ellie's third period lunch had just ended, and Alex was temporarily left sat alone.

"Ugh, don't even go there!" Jay exclaimed dramatically. "English, Math and Geography!"

"Oh right..." Alex mused taking a swig of her Diet Coke through a straw.

"I tell ya, whoever thought up the idea that we needed to learn about all the different types of rock formations was a horrible, horrible man."

"Who do you have next?"

"MI, Simpson, then Science." Jay said bluntly. That wouldn't be so bad. And hey, he had a study period last, and he knew what that meant: leave early!

"Where shall I meet you then?" Alex asked as if it was perfectly normal.

Jay, on the other hand was a little freaked out. Last time he was at school, he didn't associate with Alex. Now they were dating, he'd never presumed that she'd want to actually do stuff with him, much less meet him from school. So to say the least, this question threw him. "Just come round. I'll be in." He continued to explain his free period during last lesson of the day.

"OK, see ya then." Alex rose from the table feeling a little bit deflated. Just as she was feeling sorry for herself, Jay grabbed her down and pulled her back down. She fell into the chair unflatteringly and he kissed her, rather embarrassingly, in front of the entire canteen. A few people wolf-whistled, and Alex felt her cheeks growing hotter and hotter.

"See ya at three then." Jay said, sending Alex on her way with a cheeky pat on the butt.

* * *

Alex sat in History still mortified with Jay's display in the canteen. She was trying to focus on what Mr. Henderson was saying about Charles the first, but her mind was elsewhere. The argument with Jay this morning, the flirting in the cafeteria, Jay's apparent ignorance of his dad's death... none of it made sense. Angry, sad, flirty, hateful, open, enclosed. If Jay wasn't one thing, he was another.

* * *

**October 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

Jay was only meant to work at the garage until seven, but it was getting on for nine-thirty, and he still wasn't done. He made a half-assed attempt at his tasks, and thus, the time it took him to work was multiplied.

He was supposed to be shining the body of a '98 Toyota Camry, a simple enough mission, but so far he'd buffed just the hood and the left hand drivers door, and he'd been at it for over an hour and a half. He whistled a tune to himself and scuffed the toe of his work boots against the floor, causing an irritating squeaking sound. Every so often, Tony his boss would pass through and shout certain "motivating" taunts at Jay, who'd pick up the pace for a minute, before returning back to his slacker attitude when Tony had disappeared again.

He just wasn't in the mood to work today. The threat of what tomorrow was hanging over him like a huge lingering black rain cloud. Every time he tried to think about something else, his mind kept getting infected with disturbing thoughts that he didn't want to think, but he had no choice.

"Look, Jason. I've had enough with the inspirational quotes, OK?" Tony's angry face popped up again, seemingly out of nowhere, and he did not look best pleased. "If you don't get your ass into gear, boy, you'll be out of a job. I close up at ten, if you haven't finished that car and vacuumed inside before then, it'll be you're job, OK?"

"Whatever." Jay muttered under his breath. Tony stormed out again and Jay heard him clanging around in the back room. Despite his negative 'fuck-the-world' attitude, Jay knew where his loyalties lied. He got his work finished by ten to ten, and Tony assured him his job would still be there tentatively for him the next day. Jay decided to neglect telling Tony what tomorrow was, for fear of letting it get in the way of his work, and ruin his chances of carrying on a normal life, so he promised he'd be back tomorrow, and in a better frame of mind.

* * *

**(Next Day) October 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

Jay woke up on the next morning, the anniversary of his mom's death, and the last thing on his mind was going to school. Tony's voice was ringing in his from the previous evening. He knew that if he didn't show his face at school, he inevitably wouldn't get the grades he needed, and he wouldn't be able to keep his job at the garage, despite Tony's apparent sympathy at the end o the day yesterday. He also knew that he didn't want to go to school. Not just today, because of what today was, but ever. He didn't want to go back to that shit hole, with adults running around telling him what to do like they were superior to him, and where little rich kid princesses ran around with their noses in the air, judging you if you came from the gutter. Like they were really much better. Parents who slept in separate beds, debts sky high that weren't aided by the three Jaguar's on the drive.

He rolled out of bed awkwardly and found himself face to face with the cold hard floor. He straightened himself out achingly and pulled himself off the floor, which in itself was a mammoth task and a half. He kept his covers wrapped around him and staggered sleepily into the kitchen area to make himself breakfast. Although, it was looking more like lunch now. He studied the clock for a moment, wondering if his eyes were deceiving him. He'd slept right through to 2.15pm. Alex'd be home from school in three quarters of an hour.

Surely enough, at five after three, Jay was interrupted by a loud, incessant knocking on the door.

"Where were you today?" Alex asked as soon as he opened the door. She brushed past him and set down her stuff on the table. "I knocked this morning! A lot of times!"

"Yeah, hi to you too." Jay muttered as she barged past him. "I couldn't face school today."

"How many times am I gonna hear that, Jay?"

"As many times as I feel like using it as an excuse." Jay shot back smartly.

"Jay what will happen if you don't go to school?"

"Was that a rhetorical question?" Jay asked cockily.

"Jay, you'll lose your job, and then you'll lose this place!"

"Alex, don't worry about it!"

"But I do worry! If you lose this place you'll have to go back to Melissa and Cory's in Portland."

Jay was silent for a minute as he processed all this in his brain. "I get what this is about!" He exclaimed with a wide grin on his face.

"This is about me not wanting to lose you again!"

"You don't want me to go back to Portland to Sunny do you?" Jay taunted unfairly. "Don't you trust me, Alex?"

Alex sighed loudly. Of course she trusted Jay. She wanted to trust Jay. But when he was being so annoying, and on purpose, it was difficult to get across your tree feelings accurately.

"Jay, you need to come to school tomorrow, OK?"

"Fine..." Jay sighed reluctantly.

"That didn't sound in the least bit convincing, Jason."

"It's Jay, for one thing. And another; I will be there tomorrow, OK? So you can stop with the mistrust."

"Jay, drop this thing about trust!"

"Alex, you're making a big deal out of little things again!" Jay warned Alex.

"Bye, Jay." Alex turned and headed toward the door. She opened it grandly and stormed out, leaving the door wide open, not even being predictable enough to slam the door.

* * *

Jay had since closed the door, and was enjoying a cigarette. This apartment was non-smoking, but he was non-caring. He had work at four, and he was still sat in sweat pants and no shirt. He studied the clock face, and it was getting nearer and nearer to 1600 hours, but he felt absolutely no compliance to get up off his ass and go to work, despite everything Tony had said and done for him yesterday.

He was stuck in that arrogant bubble of ignorance, where he thought that even if he sat around doing nothing and eventually fell into wrack and ruin, things would be OK because he was Jay and things always worked out in the end.

He was blind to the way things were crashing down around him.

* * *

**That was long! What did ya think? Please everyone review! I love to read them!**


	28. Heart Shaped Box

**This chapter follows a day in the life on a typical Saturday for Jay, Alex and Ellie. It leads up to the events in the next chapter, which will take place the next day in the story timel ine.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

**Heart Shaped Box – Nirvana**

**October 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

After the anniversary of his mom's death, there was one more monumental milestone in October for Jay to go through before it became November and he waited for the next drama to begin.

It was a year ago to the day since Jay moved to Oregon, and rather informally, from that point onwards he kinda decided he and Alex were together, even though if you looked at it quite literally, they weren't. They'd began their "relationship" in different countries, with one half of the couple not knowing about the new status. It was hardly the best way to start things, but Jay had no intention of letting things continue that way.

He was glad of a Saturday, free of school and free of work. Sure he had _school work _to be doing, but he wasn't. Obviously. He jumped out of bed insanely merrily at 9.45am and started the day with a cigarette. He stood at the window and opened it wide. He breathed in the morning air, mixed with the cancerous aroma of his cigarette. He was ready to face this day. He was diving in head first with no plans, no arrangements, but he knew that it would be OK.

* * *

Ellie was home for the first time since she moved in with Sean two months ago. Her mom was perched tentatively on the arm of the couch like she was preparing for a speedy getaway. Ellie sat on the couch one cushion away from her mom, looking around the room nervously. She hadn't even been gone that long and already it was like she'd never existed. The few pictures of her that usually adorned the mantelpiece were gone, and she could spy from her vantage point that the door to her bedroom had all her paraphernalia stripped. Plaque's that had once read "Ellie's Room" had been plucked from their wooden home and their previous existence had been eliminated. There were no lights on, and the late fall – early winter evening let little no light in through the slits in the heavy curtains. Ellie guessed that her mom hadn't payed the bill. There were no physical traces of alcohol in the house right now, but she could tell it by the smell of the vodka soaked room, like someone had gone around splashing the drink like petrol.

* * *

Alex woke up at six am prompt. She lay in bed until 6.45, until boredom and threat of insanity began to take hold of her. She crept out of bed, across the hall and into the bathroom. She shut the door quietly behind her and bolted it securely.

Chad and her mom's bedroom door had been open, and she could see his foot sticking out from the covers. She shuddered at the memory. She made sure she was quiet. Chad had been very lairy and aggressive the previous night, shouting the odds and smashing glasses.

Alex had locked herself in her bedroom all night and hadn't been able to creep out and get dinner. Her stomach growled hungrily as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. She couldn't shower as it would wake Chad up, and she didn't want to risk it. She turned on the tap for just a millisecond and collected the pool of water in her palms. She splashed it over her face and relished the refreshment momentarily.

She grabbed a towel and dried her face before putting it back exactly where she found it and unbolting the door carefully. She walked down the hall making sure she didn't walk over the floorboards that creaked. She sat on the kitchen unit and drank a glass of orange juice. There was basically no food in the house. She looked at the clock; time was crawling by like it was wading through treacle.

* * *

Jay was willing things to go well today. All he wanted was the best for Alex and today had to be perfect. He'd been a crap boyfriend to her for the most part, and today he just wanted to show her how much she meant to him.

He showered and was out and dressed in ten minutes. He waited anxiously for Alex to arrive.

* * *

Ellie stared at her mom, who smiled down at her like nothing was wrong. "How are you getting on at Sam's?" She asked innocently.

"Sean. His name is Sean." Ellie corrected her mom bluntly.

"What did I say?" Marla asked spacily.

Ellie sidestepped this and replied to her mom's first question. "It's going fine. I'm fine."

"Only fine?" Marla asked, arching her eyebrows.

"Mom, I'm better at Sean's than I ever have been."

"What's that supposed to mean, Missy?" Emily leaned forward and Ellie noticed she'd acquired an erratic look in her bloodshot eye.

"Nothing. I was just telling you that I'm doing fine at Sean's."

Marla muttered something under her breath before she jumped off the couch arm and grabbed her cigarettes. She lit one and inhaled deeply.

"I'm going to the bathroom." Ellie announced. While she was in there, she rooted around in the cupboards and found two empty bottles of prescription pills, as well as three half full bottles of the same pills, and an unmarked bottle of what turned out to be whiskey.

As she exited the bathroom feeling disappointed and just a little bit nervous, she found her mom in the kitchen area chugging down a bottle of said whiskey.

**

* * *

**

Short I know! But its leading up to the next one!

**Please Read and Review, please!!**

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	29. Love You Til The End

**I am aware that my timing and involvement of certain couples is a bit out of sync, and that I'm like a year too early with Sellie and Spaige, but for the sake of this story they all need to happen as and when I decide :)**

**This one is a bit longer than the previous one! Thanks for all the reviews!**

**And welcome to new reader: Selliefan!!**

**I hope you like it!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except for the characters you don't know and the ideas that go into the plots!**

* * *

**Love You Til The End – The Pogues**

**October 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

"Jay, where the hell are you taking me?" Alex demanded. They'd been walking for an hour and her she was out of her comfort zone. She had no idea where she was or where she was going. They were ambling down a deserted back road. It was drizzly and cold, pitch black and Alex was pissed. "Just keep walking. We'll be there soon."

"Jay, you've been saying that for at least the past like five miles!"

"We've only come a mile and a half, Alex." Jay pointed out, picking up his pace so he was walking in front of her in single file. He grabbed her hand and pulled her along a bit quicker than the pace she had been dwindling at.

"Jay, don't rush me!" Alex protested, snatching her hand away and stopping.

"Lex, we're never gonna get there if you keep stopping and crying about it!" Jay exclaimed exasperated.

"Who's crying?" Alex shot back.

"Come on, the cut's just up this way, about half way past that post."

Alex followed his finger and saw a wooden post about fifty feet away. "It better be, Jay." She muttered as she started up again.

She dug her hands deep in the pockets of her flimsy, useless hoodie and wished she'd put on something warmer. If she'd have known they'd be trekking half way across Canada she might have been less ill-prepared for the journey. She scuffed the gravel with her sneaker as she walked and Jay turned to stare coldly at her every once in a while.

Alex just shot back a dagger stare at him and carried on her way. She kicked a stone and it had Jay in the back of the leg, and she heard him mutter something illegible, but he didn't turn around again until they had to turn. He stopped suddenly and Alex went crashing into the back of him.

"Jay, for Christ sake!" Alex yelled impatiently.

"We're turning." He said with a smile. It wasn't facetious or sarcastic, and Alex began to feel uneasy. He actually looked pleased, expectant, proud even.

The turn was so discreet and well hidden she would never have spotted it in a month of Sundays. She didn't say anything, she just followed Jay's lead down a creaking wooden pathway between bushy, overgrown plant life that Alex had no interest in trying to identify in her current state of mind. Jay was battling his way through and holding the branches back so she would have an easier route. Finally they got to the end of the treacherous walkway.

The surroundings took Alex's breath away. Jay had bought her to a secluded spot on the banks of the river. There was no sound at all as they stood together in the leafy opening except for the lapping of the shore and an owl call. The moon sat high in the inky midnight blue sky shone down on the river and the ripples in the water distorted the reflection of the moonlight. Said moonlight also drenched the sheltered alcove in dim, soothing light. Alex stood there in stunned silence. Jay had obviously already been here before for him to know where it was. It was so secluded and hard to find, she was sure they wouldn't be interrupted. She looked up at him but still couldn't find the words. She just smiled sheepishly and wrapped her arms around his middle. She rested her head on his chest and just wanted to enjoy this moment forever. But she couldn't. There was one question that was burning in the back of her mind.

"Jay?" Her deep voice broke the silence quite in quite an undignified fashion but she didn't care. "This is beautiful... but why tonight?"

She'd tried sounding as sincere and grateful as she could. Jay snickered and she wondered why.

"I didn't think you'd remember." He said, still smiling.

"Remember what?" Alex asked softly, retaining eye contact the whole time.

"Today's a year since I moved to Oregon. A year since I kissed you. Properly. And from then on I kinda considered you my girlfriend. Although I didn't actually officially ask you. Sorry." Jay rambled on, adding short snappy sentences on top of short snappy sentences.

Alex processed the information then let out a laugh. "That's great."

"You don't sound too-"

"No, seriously Jay. It's fine. I'm just laughing cuz all this time I've not actually been one hundred percent sure that we're actually going out or if it's, y'know, casual or whatever..." Alex dwindled off as she finished her sentence, really beginning to wish she'd not said anything. She'd rather say nothing at all than too much.

"Sorry, that's my bad I guess." Jay joked. He pulled her in really close and gently pulled her down. He sank to the ground too and they sat on the sandy shoreline together. They couldn't deny the chilly breeze bouncing off the water, but as they sat huddled up close together, it began to melt away.

* * *

Spinner's idea of a date wasn't one that involved Paige's human form life-support machine Marco Del Rossi tagging along. Especially since Marco had revealed that he... "bats for the other team". They were at the movies downtown, Paige in the middle, with the two guys either side of her. Spinner leaned forward a fraction of a degree and shot a discreet look at Marco. There eyes met for half a millisecond but Marco pretended not to notice. Spinner grabbed a huge handful of popcorn before turning back to the movie: Clown Academy 3. At least he got his choice when it came to the movie they were watching.

He didn't get much of an opportunity to enjoy it though. Paige and Marco were yammering away to each other. What they were doing couldn't be described as loud whispering, more like quiet shouting. Spinner cleared his throat, hoping that would shut them up. They broke their contact for just a few seconds to look at him in a look of almost disgust, then went back to their conversation.

* * *

Jay could feel Alex shaking as he held her and was kissing her. At first he tried to ignore it, but soon it gone in the way. He pulled away and looked at her straight.

"You're shaking like a leaf, Lexi."

"It's... a bit chilly." She said slowly.

"Here." He took off his hoodie and draped it around her shoulders. She snuggled up nice and tight inside and kissed him to say thanks. He was now wearing just a short sleeved black tee, but he didn't once mention it. She noticed him shudder once as a particularly bitter gust of wind blustered through, and his arms were covered in goosebumps, but he didn't complain.

"It's nice just to get away, right?" Jay asked her, breaking the silence.

"Yeah. It's nice to get away from my mom and Chad." Alex offered.

"Lexi, why don't you live with me?" Jay proposed. He couldn't keep eye contact.

Alex was shocked by this. "I, uh... it's-"

"Think about it at least?" Jay asked, looking out toward the creepy dark water.

Alex was silent for a moment. She was reluctant because she didn't trust Chad enough to let her mom stay in the house alone with him, but she'd never tell Jay that. He thought her family were fucked up enough as it is, without adding 'all that' into the mix.

"OK."

Jay's face lit up, but Alex shot him a warning look. "I'll think about it, I mean."

His face fell a few notches, but he nodded anyway and looked reasonably happy.

* * *

The movie finished and the lights in the theater came back on and somehow Paige and Marco had miraculously managed to view the last forty five minutes of the film in relative silence. Spinner supposed that the chattering for the majority of the film was what you get for bringing two fashion victim best buds to a movie like one of the Clown Academy's. As everyone was filtering out of the movie, Marco and Paige began chatting about something else. They made their way toward the door but before they could, Marco announced he would use the bathroom before they left. Paige agreed and they headed toward their respective bathrooms, leaving Spinner.

"We'll be two minutes, honeybee." Paige cooed as she kissed the tip of his nose annoyingly and bounded off to the toilets with Marco.

Spin relocated outside and leaned against the wall with one foot up against the tan brick. He was scoping the crowds, searching out a familiar face, when he actually came across one. He was not expecting that.

Jay wasn't expecting to run into Spinner on his way home. He'd decided to take the short cut across the shopping complex after dropping Alex off at hers. He was feeling a little despondent if he was honest. He'd pictured his surprise for Alex going a lot better. That was the problem dating someone who couldn't show emotions like any other human. She was built up like a brick wall: tough, solid and hard to crack. The horrendous word vomit moment where he said she should live with him was a huge mistake. He hadn't meant it, it was just something he said on the spur of the moment. Now he was regretting it.

"Hey, dude whats up?" Spin greeted his new pseudo friend cheerily, glad of a face other than Paige or Marco.

"Hey, Spin." Jay spoke while sighing, and it came out sounding rather tragic.

"Woah, long day at the office?" Spinner joked.

"Problems with the misses." Jay said briefly, not wishing to elaborate at this moment in time.

"Well, I've just been on a date, with Paige _and _Marco." Spinner said glumly.

"Excuse me?" Jay asked in confusion.

"She bought him to like, spread the love since he decided he's... _gay._ And they were talking the whole way through Clown Academy 3. Probably the only time I'll get to see this movie, and they chat the whole way through it." He explained sadly.

"Bummer times, dude. Join the back of the line." Jay concluded, before making his excuses and leaving before he could become anymore depressed.

* * *

**R&R pretty please? :D**


	30. Mr Brightside

**Hope you like the chapter!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

* * *

**Mr. Brightside – The Killers**

**November 2002  
Alex: 14  
Jay: 15**

_It started with a kiss._

Emily was supposedly working, as was Chad. Alex had Jay over, who had invited Amy – much to Alex's distaste – and Spinner who bought Paige, probably somewhat against her will. Potato chips and beer for the guys - and Amy - were the entertainment for the night.

Alex was on her first beer. She'd been slurping it all night and Jay had been shooting her weird looks all night. Spinner, Jay and Amy had accumulated nineteen bottles between them, discluding the ones they were clutching in their hands. Paige was on her second glass of water, but Spinner wasn't hassling her to drink more, unlike some boyfriends Alex could point to with a not too lengthy stick.

Jay, Spinner and Amy's raucous laughter filled the room, while Alex sat on the sofa with a face like thunder. Paige looked bored out of her skull, but she didn't say anything, she just looked around the room innocently. Alex watched her out of the corner of her eye and she swore she could see looking judgingly at her when she spied Chad's many, many bottles of Jack Daniels lined up underneath the hollowed out end table.

* * *

The train was loud and the carriage was full. For a 9pm departure, Mr. Alexander was surprised to find so many people on board. Mr. Christopher Alexander read the paper to busy himself. He couldn't see the scenery rushing past out of sight for the darkness, he could just see his own reflection in the dirty window.

He knew that when he got to his final destination, it would be difficult. The train was bombing along the track getting nearer and nearer to his station. His heart was in his mouth in a mixture of nerves, anticipation and guilt. He'd been gone for twelve years, and perhaps turning up unannounced wasn't the best idea, but it had been too long and he didn't have any contact details, so showing up on the doorstep really was his only option.

* * *

Alex just had to sit back and take it as Jay and Spinner dragged them across town in the pouring rain in search of Spinner's friend Charlie's house party. Alex had given up refusing to talk to Paige. Amy was linked arms with Spinner, and Paige had a familiar scowl on her face. Spinner, Jay and Amy were all totally wasted, and Amy kept exclaiming loudly as she stumbled around in her too-high heels. She was tottering across the sidewalk going in all directions. They turned down a back street and soon they were walking through the suburbs. The rain died down for a few moments, but it was still lingering in the air. Without warning Spin, Amy and Jay cavorted across the road and up the long winding path of a large house. There were people scattered over the lawn and on the veranda. Alex and Paige followed behind the 'three musketeers' as they barged in.

Some guy with messy dark hair and facial piercings, who Alex could only presume was Charlie, bounded up to Spinner and thumped him on the back in a cheerful embrace. He threw beers in their direction then blended back into the crowd again as quickly as he has appeared.

Finally, it seemed like things were going back to how they should be. Amy dispersed into the throng of drunken teenagers, Spinner swept Paige away and Jay sauntered over to Alex looking sheepish. He slipped his arms around her tiny waist and tucked his hand into the back pocket of her jeans. She shot him a warning look but didn't make him move it.

"Dance with me?" He slurred in her ear over the pounding music. She was reluctant to let his drunken state make him think he'd won her over.

She decided to let him step out into the crowd with her. They moved close in sync with each other. The body heat was intense and Alex could feel any hate for Jay washing away as he shut off all the other people in the room and focused solely on her. Grinding wasn't a specialty of Alex's, but she did it anyway. The music was a continuous heavy, dirty beat. Jay was always much more attentive when he was drunk. But his co-ordination was poor and his kisses were sloppy. Alex had to pull away, but she smiled politely and moved positions so her back was to his front, but they were still close.

How things nosedived so fast she wasn't sure. A little less than ten minutes she was back on the sidelines with Paige watching as Jay and Spinner set aside the beers and moved on to the Vodka. Alex should have been concerned, but she let Jay continue mixing his alcohol and letting himself get more messed up. If he preferred to spend time with a Mr. Grey Goose over her, then that was his prerogative.

Paige attracted Alex's attention by grabbing her forearm. "Hun, I'm gonna take off!" She shouted in her ear.

"I'm coming with." Alex replied before even thinking it through. Both girls took a second to look over at their embarrassing other halves, before laughing and leaving the party together.

* * *

Jay was blurry. He was semi aware that the girl who's hand was sliding down past the waist band of his boxers wasn't Alex. His intoxicated state was numbing and distorting everything. He ran his hands through her long blonde locks. She took control where Alex never did. With Alex, he had to make the first move almost always, but this girl was different. She was whipping his polo shirt over his head and onto the floor before he realized where he was. Her cold hands rested on his chest as their lips locked again. It started with a kiss. A new tongue in his mouth but he didn't realize the foreignness of it until after. She had already whipped his shirt off from over his head and his jeans dropped down as she released the zipper. His arms were around her neck undoing the red halter dress she was wearing. It came loose and fell to the floor, where it was joined by his own shirt. He fell backwards onto the bed and she came down with him. He laid flat on the bed with her force and determination keeping him pinned.

It was over in half an hour. She used his cell to call a cab while he stood at the window smoking a cigarette. The bustling traffic outside and the din of the last few party goers filled his head. He never caught her name.

Spinner didn't notice Paige leave, but he noticed it in the morning when he was greeted by her voicemail for the fifth time in as many minutes.

Paige woke up somewhere strange. It took her a few moments to realize she had fallen asleep at Alex's place. It was eerily silent now, but she was sure at 3am this morning she had heard muffled shouting coming from down the hall in the living room. Alex was lying awake with her eyes shut. She knew Paige was there but when there was no one else here, it felt too awkward for words that she should be here. She could hear Chad padding around in the distance and she tensed up immediately. How could she sneak Paige out without her mom and Chad seeing her. She couldn't face explaining her family situation to Paige. Paige Michalchuk! What were the odds that she would be at Alex's house?

Jay woke up and was relieved to find he was at his own house. He didn't remember much about how he got home, or when he'd left Spinner and Amy at Charlie's party. All he knew was he was out of pocket 20 bucks, and he'd had sex last night. And he was pretty sure Alex was at her house, still with a little something called her virginity. Shit...

Christopher Alexander checked out of the Howard Johnson right on time. He was eager to get on the road, well sidewalk. Unless by some sheer act of irony they'd moved, his destination wasn't too far from here. The early morning walk would do him good. As he got nearer, he got more nervous. He kind of wished he could slow the process down, but it was no good. He stood on the corner of Brewer and Maple, facing his destiny.

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**Sorry it took so long! Please R&R! :)**

**And... the next chapter is gonna be called 'Homecoming' (Kanye West ft Chris Martin).**


	31. Homecoming

**Sorry for the huge wait. Technology has been against me these past few weeks.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!**

**This is an extremely short one. I'm having writers block! Please do me a huge favour and review and let me know what you'd like to see, and hopefully I'll get some inspiration from that and be able to improve in the coming chapters! Anyways, hope you like it!**

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**Kanye West ft. Chris Martin – Homecoming**

**November 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

He was a fully grown man; 38 years of age, but he couldn't fulfill a task as simple as approaching a front door and knocking on it, await the response and make amends for eleven years of neglect. As he approached, he felt more and more queasy. This was it. A few more minutes and he'd be at the gates of the trailer park. Middle row, fourth from the back.

Alex had got up early that morning. After the stuff with Paige and Jay the night before, she had a hard time focusing on sleeping not thinking. She heard her mom stumbling in at 2am, but no sign of Chad. She contemplated getting out of bed and going to see her mom, but she decided against it, and rightfully so. She lead awake in bed listening to her mom talking to herself. Discussing, arguing, shouting. Finally, she went into her and Chad's bedroom and fell silent as soon as her head hit the pillow. After this, Alex knew she'd have to go out and make sure the front door was locked. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and her heart lurched in paranoia as she floorboards creaked ominously. Sure enough, her mom had left the front door unlocked. She looked through the window in the door out down the aisle between her row and the row across the 'street'. There was one streetlight illuminating the way, but the long shadows cast eerie darkness. She shuddered and stepped away from the door, maintaining that it was definitely locked.

She awoke again at 6am and got up straight away this time. As she paced the hallway, she saw through the ajar door that Chad wasn't back yet. Her mom was still wearing the clothes she'd left the house in the night before, except her make up was smeared all over her face. A bottle of vodka, lidless, teetering on the edge of the end table was threatening to tip over and smash. She shut the door softly and headed down the hall. She collapsed onto the couch with the intention of resting her eyes for just a moment. The next thing she knew she was being awakened by a knocking at the door. At first, she had to take a second to readjust to where she was. First thoughts we that it was Chad. But he wouldn't knock so politely. Hell, he wouldn't even knock. He'd be hammering on the glass, or breaking down the locked door to get in. She jumped off the couch and approached the door with caution.

"Christopher?" Her mom's voice behind her shattered the silence. Alex leaped out of her skin as she heard her mom's voice. This mystery man was evidently not so much of a mystery. To her mom at least. The next part was identifying him. But Alex couldn't quite put her finger on it. He was dressed _way _too smart to be someone that her mom had 'hooked up' with on the side. They seemed to know each other too well to be any form of authority figure. Although having said that...

"Chris?" Emily uttered again in shock.

"Emily..."

"Mom?"

"Alex?"

"Lexi?" It didn't sound right hearing that name not coming from Jay.

"Whoa! Whoa, what the _hell_ is going on here mom?" Alex put her foot down. This was too weird.

"Alex? Invite out guest in.**"** Emily prompted.

Alex looked to the man stood in the door, then back to her mom, and threw her a look that said 'do it your-freakin'-self.'

Emily sighed loudly and shoved past her daughter rudely. "Come in." She ushered this man in and shut the door, being sure to lock it again behind him.

She sat him down on the sofa, but Alex felt wary. She stayed stood by the door with her arms folded, despite her mom's orders to come and sit down. "Lex, sit down. Please."

Huffing aggrevatedly, Alex gave up and sat cross-legged on the floor around the low coffee table. She kept her head down and refused to make eye contact with the man or her mom. She was beginning to realize in her head what this set up was.

"Alex?" The man spoke her name, but she was too stubborn to look at him. "Alex?"

"Lex, look at our guest when he's speaking to you."

Reluctantly, Alex lifted her head, but stared so contently that her eyes went blurry and she couldn't really see.

"Shall I tell her, Chris?"

He nodded.

"Lexi, baby?" Alex wasn't sure where that BS came from. "This is your dad."

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**Please R&R, I love to know what you guys think!**


	32. Family Portrait

**Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter. That was not one of my best pieces of work by any stretch of the imagination.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything!**

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**Family Portrait - Pink**

**November 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

9.30 am.

Despite the small hour, Jay'd been up for two hours. He was so pumped to get round to Alex's and 'cleanse his soul' and confess. Maybe that was something to do with the five cups of coffee had drank since he got up. He was literally buzzing off the walls and out of the door before he'd even set the mug down on the counter. It wasn't an unusual feeling, knowing he'd cheated on Alex. But it was unusual to feel this... _normal _about it. That thought made him kinda sad. But it was true, no matter how bad it sounded. But he didn't remember being this not-nervous about telling her. Perhaps it was the caffeine overkill, it most likely was. The walk from his current home to his old home had never felt so short, and he'd never completed it so jubilantly before. This was odd. He considered things on the way to his girlfriends house. One of the few good side effects of Alex's horrible home life was that Jay never needed to worry about a protective father or older brother kicking his ass for treating her bad. Cuz lets face it, Chad would probably applaud Jay for his adulterous affairs. He didn't give a shit about Alex. Never had, never would. Probably didn't care that much about Emily either. But that was a different matter.

* * *

Alex was still flat out refusing to speak. The silence engulfed the rooms like killer flames licking the walls ferociously. Christopher looked like the patch of couch he was sat on had hot coals and iron spikes in the cushions. Emily was staring daggers at her daughter. In her head, there was nothing out of the ordinary about this situation, and Alex was being a mite unreasonable. There was no way she was going to let this clown walk so freely into her life without so much as an explanation. How was she to know that her mom was telling the truth. If she was honest, this man looked a bit shifty, too smart and squeaky-clean to ever have been involved with her trashcan of a mother...

* * *

Never in a million years did Jay expect to see Chris back at Cedar Grove Trailer Home Park. He let himself into the trailer he considered a second home and stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the three of them sat around the coffee table. Alex with a face like thunder, Emily looking awkward and Chris looking like he was wishing the ground to open up and swallow him. As soon as Alex spotted Jay she leaped up and went to him like the drop of a hat. She placed a lingering kiss on his lips, fully aware that her mom and 'dad' were watching her like a hawk.

"Come on, lets get outta here." She whispered almost illegibly. She grabbed her Adidas jacket off the side with one hand and took his hand in her own with the other and yanked him out of the room.

* * *

Three miles across town, a mystery blond rolled off the top of Chad, breathless and satisfied. The residue of her heavy make up mixed with a thin covering of sweat on her chiseled face. Chad admired the exposed contours of her womanly body. He didn't know her name, nor did he care to learn it. He checked the time on the alarm clock to his left. The luminescent red letters glowed 09:32. He hadn't been up this early in years. And he'd certainly not been having sex this early _ever. _Not once did his mind flicker to Emily during sex. No guilt, no shame, no remorse. The only thing that entered his mind was his desire for Emily to perform more to his slutty standards in the bedroom. Not that he had to worry about missing out. By some sheer act of God, when he was at the bar he almost had his own choice of girls who'd jump into bed with him. Unprotected too. It couldn't have been easier for him. He had no qualms about what he did. It was what he'd always done, and he'd never done anything different. He was also in no hurry to rush home to Emily. As far as he was concerned, at this current moment in time, she didn't exist and never had.

* * *

Jay was still in shock. All hopes of confessing to Alex were out the window now. He'd been in her house for mere seconds, but it was just like walking back into his old life, and that bothered him more than he liked to admit. For a few moments he was back to being JJ Hogart, son of a drunk, six years old and already having seen enough that your average adult would have. His train of thought was broken by the soft lips of his girlfriend. Once they drew apart, she whispered something hushed in his ear and they were gone.

"Lexi, do you know who that man was?" He asked in disbelief as he studied her stony but calm expression.

Alex studied his stressed and amazed expression and considered her response for a moment. "Yeah, my dad. Supposedly."

Jay was astounded. "How can you be so calm? Do you remember him at all?"

"No. I don't." Alex answered shortly. "Do you?"

"Yeah, of course. I can't believe he's back. Whats it been, like ten years?"

"Can we change the subject, please?" Alex snapped.

"But, babe this is h-"

"Jay, drop it!" Alex raised her tone and shut him right up. "I want someone who can take my mind off things like this when they happen, not someone who keeps fucking yammering on and on about it! Can't you tell I don't wanna talk about him?!"

Jay held his hands up like he was surrendering and was shunned back into half-angry silence for some time while Alex calmed down. After discretely peeking at her out of the corner of his eye, he concluded that she'd had sufficient time to 'calm down'.

"I know what'll cheer you up. Hows about a drink or four at my place?" He saw her chocolate brown eyes light up immediately.

Alex knew there was a reason why she stayed with Jay. For his brilliant ideas. The promise of beer and someone to take her mind off her problems for the evening sounded too good to be true. The drive from her place to Jay's was blissfully short. She could practically taste the beer and nachos in her mouth as they got block by block closer. As soon as they rocked up at the kerb, she escaped the car like it was on fire and punched in the security code to Jay's building. She knew it off by heart. She stuck a loose brick in the door as a wedge to keep it open for Jay and began tackling the many flights of stairs. He followed behind her and grinned to himself at her eagerness.

* * *

Inside, they sat submerged in darkness with just the light from the street lamp outside and the flickering glow of the TV set to guide the way to and from the refrigerator. They were slumped together on the couch with their legs tangled around one another, Alex rested her head snugly on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, only breaking once in a while to grab a swig of beer, only for them to return to the clutch a few moments later, like nothing had changed.

They'd been sat together drinking since ten am. It was now almost seven, and they'd barely moved off the couch all day, except for to go to the fridge for more drink, or to the bathroom, to get rid of some before they added more. Alcohol was numbing their troubled minds and they were both pretty sure that the other one wasn't paying any attention to what was blaring from the TV. It was cozy and comfortable. Neither of them felt that the silence was awkward. Confessing now ran over in Jay's mind more than a few times, but he wasn't sure he wanted to sacrifice the golden moment quite so foolishly. Yeah, the silence was more awesome than awkward. But Alex didn't mind when Jay broke the silence.

"Want another drink, baby?" He spoke softly and calmly. She murmured a 'yes' in response and he gently got up off the sofa and padded spacily over to the refrigerator. Inside he grabbed two cans, and made a mental note that the 18 pack was almost out and he'd have to either restock it pretty damn soon, or move onto spirits.

He shuffled back over to the couch and sank back down into it again, handing the beer to Alex who accepted it gratefully. Their ring pulls hissed at the same time as they opened the drinks eagerly and took a long glug in unison. As they both placed their half empty cans on the coffee table where they joined the other sixteen cans, they sank back onto the sofa in sync and Alex couldn't help but smile to herself.

"What?" Jay asked, smiling too, but of uneasiness.

"Nothing, it just makes me laugh how we're so much like each other."

"Laugh in a good way or a bad way?"

"Oh, good way. Definitely." Alex smiled goofily and Jay actually found himself unable to resist her right then. He leaned forward and kissed her. She opened her mouth and accepted the French kiss almost immediately. There was something different in this kiss for both of them. It was electric, red hot and sexually fueled.

With his hands firmly on her waist, Jay slid up off the couch and pulled Alex up with him. Without breaking contact, they backed over to the wall and Alex jumped up and wrapped her legs around Jay's waist as he pushed her against the wall and kissed her harder.

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**Like it? Please review. Even if you didn't, review!**

**=D**

**If this seems a little jumbled and confusing, it will all hopefully become clear in the next chapter, or maybe I just put that thought in your head but you didn't think it was any of those things.**


	33. Dreaming

**Italics are Alex's dreams.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my ideas.**

**Thanks to Ashley for helping me with some American-isms! ****Dreaming – Young Jeezy ft. Keyshia Cole**

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**December 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

Alex hadn't been home on a night time in three nights. Since her "dad" arrived back on the scene, she'd wanted nothing to do with her mom or this man who was showing up and trying to ruin her life once again. Her mom hadn't made a single bit of effort to find out where she was and if she was OK, and as far as Alex was concerned, her life was here with Jay now and she didn't need anyone else.

Three nights ago, a dream woke her up before she could really determine what was going on, but the suggestion was there. The second night, in her dream she was kissing Jay, but really it wasn't him. Well, it was, but not all the time. Sometimes it was him and sometimes it was a girl. But last night, the dream really upped its ante. It all felt so real, things started to become clearer. But ironically, the more details were revealed, the more confused and boggled she felt when she woke up.

_She had no idea how she'd gotten to be in this position. She was aware of basically nothing, but there were two things really troubling her. Why wasn't the person lying next to her Jay? And even more disturbingly, the person lying next to her was a... girl. Trying to desperately figure out why you were in bed with a member of the same sex was difficult when you were frozen to the spot in fear and confusion. _

The dream that woke her last night was undoubtedly the most vivid and shocking. In 'Dream-Land' things had been turned on their head. A head of long blond hair, a taste of strawberry gum, yep it was definitely a girl. But that, incredibly, wasn't the weirdest part. This was Paige. Paige Michalchuk!

Alex awoke bolt upright in her bed, drenched in a cold sweat. This wasn't the first time this had happened. A horribly real feeling and mighty confusing dream woke her from her distressed slumber to an equally confusing realism.

Alex wasn't sure if you could have a sense of taste in your dreams. Thats what worried her so much. There was absolutely no way in all the times when she'd kissed Jay that he'd EVER tasted like strawberry gum. Her imagination carried her away and she'd actually convinced herself that somewhere along the line she'd been taken hostage of, drugged to forget it all, and taken advantage of. She'd attempted before to stay up all night so the dreams didn't have an opportunity to infiltrate her brain.

* * *

That night, however, was a little different. She didn't sleep. She couldn't sleep, for the small matter of her boyfriend accompanying her in the bedroom. She was three things she'd never been before: drunk, I mean absolutely hammered, totally unaware of what was happening, and on her way to fourth base and beyond with Jay. What was happening right here, right now was a turning point. Music was usually a distraction Alex used to take her mind off whatever it was the music was drowning out. The heavy drum beat, twang of the bass and strum of the lead guitar that made up this musical distraction was impossible to listen to. Not because it was crap, but because it was the last thing on her mind. Fear gripped her whole body rigid as she uncurled her legs from around Jay's waist and allowed him to set her down on the bed. She didn't have time to think about what was happening or what was going to happen next. The gentle pressure of Jay's weight was on top of her before she knew it. He propped her up on the pillows before matching up their lips once again. He kissed with such a serious passion, with precision, care and skill. His kiss was so heart-stopping and attention absorbing that she didn't noticed his hands slip to the waist of her jeans. He knew this part all too well. The first time, he fumbled and rushed it, and the experience was nothing to write home about for both he and Sunny. The second time, he basically lead back and let her take control. This time, however, he knew exactly what to do. He broke the kiss and immediately began trailing them down her neck and across the skin that wasn't hidden under the fabric of her tank top. He slid it up with his hand and the exposed stomach was showered with another fluttering of small, light kisses. Jay made a mental note to himself that although until this point he didn't know Alex had a bellybutton ring, he liked it a lot. As he moved lower down, he cut the kisses. He used his hands again to trace a tantalizing pattern across her abdomen. He heard her moan softly as he brushed his fingertips in an unspecified direction across her protruding hip bone.

He met her lips again to reassure and distract her as he began to slowly undo her jeans. The zipper came down and he attempted to rid her of them, but she broke the kiss and gave him a skeptical look.

"I don't know, Jay." She whispered, her nerves not allowing anything stronger. He maintained eye contact for a split second.

"It's OK, Lexi. You can do it. I promise I won't hurt you."

Alex considered his words momentarily. She had two options. Back out and leave him hanging and waiting pathetically. Or, she could just get it over and done with and then afterwards realize she had nothing to worry about.

"OK, keep going." Alex confirmed. Jay didn't need to be told twice. He reached back down and linked their lips back up at the same time. Alex was a good kisser, so he guessed she'd be good at the heavy stuff too. He whipped his t-shirt over his head and off without hardly breaking the kiss. If they were gonna do this, they should do it properly. It was her first time, and Jay wanted it to special for her. He'd sometimes imagined it might be both of their first times together, but somethings just weren't meant to be. He stopped fiddling with the zipper and quickly moved off her and repositioned her so she was straddling him.

"You gon' be OK?" He quickly checked. She nodded feebly and he removed her tank top quickly so she was exposed. Her sleek body was blacked out like a silhouette with the gentle orange light outlining her curves like an angels glow. She took him by surprise and started undoing his jeans. As she pulled on the zipper he gently but forcefully removed her hands and placed them on the bed either side of his body. As she changed positions, she bowed her head slightly and began to suckle lightly on his neck. Hickeys weren't anything he'd ever expect from her, but who was he to complain?

They carried on that way for a few heated minutes before it was time to start. Alex's heart lurched as she realized things were about to change. She kinda wanted to keep what they were doing the way it was and not have to go all the way. But, in a matter of seconds, Alex was back on the bottom with just her bra on – she felt she might die of embarrassment at this point – Jay's clothes were off, and the biggest moment of her life, something she'd remember for the rest of her life, began. It was forceful and awkward as it started. She was worried that she might burst out laughing or something catastrophic like that, but soon the worry of laughing was replaced by a mind-bending sense of pleasure. It was a job trying not to scream out in relief as Jay picked up the pace and began going faster. She gasped and bit her lip tantalizingly as she felt him inside her.

Jay had never pressured her into sex, but she could remember a time on more than one occasion when she could sense a hint of frustration when she'd cut short a make out session before it could get out of hand. From looking at him, she couldn't really tell if he was enjoying it or not, or if she was even any good. Of course, she didn't have any past experience with which to compare, but she knew from listening to little bits and pieces with Amy, and from the bits of health class she payed attention to, that this was pretty much how it was meant to go down, and it felt good. However, she couldn't help but be cruelly reminded of Sunny. She hadn't thought about her in months, and she certainly hadn't let it get her down, but right now, in the heat of the moment, she couldn't help but to know that Sunny had been here before her. It was like she'd etched her name into his skin with a Sharpie. Alex realized she'd got a little carried away thinking to herself and she hadn't spent enough time focusing on what Jay was doing to her.

It wasn't too bad to start with. The build up to it was actually worse than the dirty deed itself. Right now, however, it hurt like a bitch. It was getting faster, harder, sweatier, more breathless. Ina few moments she felt a weird sensation, like someone exploding a water balloon inside her. She knew what _that _was. It felt like it went on for years. Even in her naivety and added drunkenness, she knew exactly what he'd just done, and for lack of a better expression, it was a pretty hefty load he'd just blown.

The wind-down was pretty awkward too. He rolled off her and sank into the bed next to her. The comforter had writhed down during the course of the evening, and Alex was relieved that Jay had covered himself from the waist down. Not that it was unpleasant to see, but she didn't think she could face it right now. It was all over now, and she felt rigid. She couldn't move from the waist-down but luckily, all Jay seemed interested in was lying in bed together, and presumably falling promptly asleep. Alex felt like she wanted to take a bath, but she was stuck in this bed until she started feeling human again. Jay didn't speak at all afterwards. Alex spied the condom wrapper hidden in between the sheets and wondered how she was blind and stupid enough not to notice during the heat of the moment whether he was using one. That was the perfect way to get pregnant. That made her no worse than Sunny. Or her mom.

That night, Alex didn't have any weird dreams about any weird girls. She did however, have a weird dream about a astronauts in charge of a cheese factory.

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**Random ending I know, its the weirdest thing I could think of. Well, thats that. Alex and Jay finally did it, man it was awkward writing that chapter. But yeah, hope you liked it, and what do y'all think about Alex's weird dreams? Wonder where I'm headed with that....**

**Please Review! :)**


	34. Christmas In Hollis FINALE

**This is the last chapter. I'm ending it at Christmas because lets face, its a great time to end it. I'll explain more at the end. :D**

**DISCLAIMER: After all this time, I still don't own anything!**

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**Christmas In Hollis – Run DMC**

**December 2002  
****Alex: 14  
****Jay: 15**

Christmastime. Such a lovely time... It seemed that having sex with Jay had solved the problem of the weird dreams. It had been two weeks and there had been none. Occasionally, it would cross her mind, but she was awake, so she could easily banish the thoughts. By some miraculous act of God, Chad was still oblivious to Christopher's existence. Staying at the Howard Johnson for two weeks was hardly his style, but that was the way it was. Alex had been at home once while he'd been there. Getting Christopher out and Chad in smoothly was a bit of a game, but thus far, things had run unbelievably smoothly.

It was a week and a half before Christmas, and Chad was away on three days 'business'. They all knew what that meant. But, it also meant that Christopher was free to come and go as he pleased for a while. And he wanted to see Alex. Alex didn't want to see him.

"Lex, it's no big deal. Let's just go round there."

"No, Jay! I don't want to. Who the fuck does this guy think he's fooling anyway?"

"What are you talking about?"

"He's been gone for eleven years! As soon as he's seen me for five minutes, he'll fuck off again and not show his face for another eleven years!"

"It wasn't like that, Lex."

"Of course it was! Why else would he leave? And why's everyone under the impression he's such a great guy? Obviously not!"

"Lex, it didn't happen like that. There was a lot going on then."

"Jay, you're like a year older than me, stop acting like you can remember it."

"I can't. Not all of it. But I remember some of it. You're dad wasn't the bad guy. It was your mom."

"Of course it was!" Alex agreed sarcastically. "Everyone always blames her! It's always her fault!"

"Stop fucking defending her! You hate her most of the time! Why choose now to stick up for her?"

"All I've heard, my entire life, is how shit guys are. They all are, in one way or another. Every guy that my mom has bought home and called a boyfriend has been an asshole. He's no difference."

"He left because she was fucking with two other guys! The whole trailer park knew! Hell, the whole of Toronto knew!"

"Fuck you, Jay." Alex backed down from the argument and was silenced.

Jay didn't so much force Alex, more guide her in the right direction. "Lex, it's all good. I'll be there. We'll go in there, stay for an hour, then we can go back to mine."

"And drink as much beer as we want?" She compromised.

"And drink as much beer as we want." He agreed.

* * *

Once inside, Jay started to realize why Alex was so reluctant to come here. But he had to keep his thoughts to himself. Emily had the regulatory brandy glass in her hand. Christopher looked more relaxed than the last time he saw him, but he still didn't look at home. Eleven years is a long time...

"You know, you two are so much more grown up than I remember you." Christopher mused with an odd smile on his face.

"Well, the last time you saw us we were four and five years old." Alex shot back bitterly. She received a sharp elbow in the ribs from Jay for that, and the smile was wiped off Christopher's face, somewhat sadly.

"Alexandra-"

"It's just Alex." She interjected.

"OK. Alex. Me and your mom have had plenty of time to talk, and a lot of things have been ironed out and corrected between us, but theres still lots I have to say to you. I want you to come and stay with me in BC."

Alex opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Emily.

"Hear him out before you say anything, girl."

"I think you'd like it. Bring JJ, too."

Jay's attention was grabbed again at that old nickname coming back up.

"Uh, its just Jay now." He pointed out.

Christopher chuckled. "Everyones at it. I guess I should drop the -topher and just be Chris. How about it, Em?" He continued laughing at his own joke and Emily nervously laughed along with him while Alex and Jay sat on the couch with stony faces.

"I'll think about it." Alex finally settled with. And it was never mentioned again, the whole time.

* * *

"We're gonna head back to Jay's now mom." Alex finally decided they were leaving after about an hour and a half.

"OK, sweetheart. Call me when you're coming round to see me, OK? Take care of my baby, Jay."

"Yes, ma'am." Jay and Alex headed toward the door. But before they left, Alex headed back to the couch and gave her dad a small kiss on the cheek. "Bye, dad."

Out on the streets, Alex felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. "See, I told you it wouldn't be that bad."

"Yep, I guess for once you were right." Alex teased, poking her tongue out at her boyfriend jokingly.

"For once? You mean 'yet again'!" Jay replied quickly.

"Hey, Jay?"

"What?"

"Can we go an drink as much beer as we want?"

"We can drink as much beer as we want."

THE END!

* * *

**I decided I needed to end it here for a multitude of reasons:**

**1) My other fics (Always Be My Baby and some future one shots I've got coming up) are starting to take over and I really need to focus on them.**

**2) I feel that this fic (that I've affectionately come to call MLMLAML) is getting just a tad too long and drawn out, and I wanted to end it now before it became too over-the-top and stupid.**

**3) I'm running out of possible story lines to use!**

**I know I said in the summary that this story would stretch til Alex and Jay were 17 and 19, but if I did do it that way, things would just go on for way to long. So I'm ending it here. :(**

**I've had a great time writing this, and its been a pleasure to read of all y'all reviews. I wanna take this time to thank:**

**AllyK00  
****Brandy (anon)  
****Brandy2008 (I guess they are the same person)  
****selliefan  
****uhohchemicalspill  
****ish78  
****scoobygang101  
****ShatteredTruth  
****toughlovegirl  
****GREENGYPSY  
****Stranger Danger  
****CJ (anon)  
****MaDShiPPA  
****degrassijayandalex – she's been no end of help this girl!**

**Thank you so much guys! **

**Check out Always Be My Baby. Its already under way and is gonna be a total of 20 chapters, one for each of the 15 days leading up to Jay and Alex's wedding, then five for a few little stories about their life as a married couple. Make sure you review, and let me know what you think!**

**Peace Out! :D**


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